So thats not exactly how it was put, but it might as well have been because thats all that keeps running through my head.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now and we agree that eventually we will get married (not immediatly but within then next 3 years most likely) we just have to reach some goals before hand. (saving up money, getting an apartment etc) On that list is me losing weight, I don't see why this has to be a part of the list of things for "us" as a couple to achieve. He isn't the one that needs to work on it or go through it so it should be my own personal goal, nothing to do with him or our future.

Last night I asked him, what if it doesn't happen? Would he not marry me? He said he would wait until it did happen, but that he would still stay with me. Aww how sweet of him (complete sarcasm there)

I understand that he wants me to lose the weight so I will be healthy and won't have any health concerns when I am older and that we can live a long life together, which is a main reason of his. I also don't see it as being a goal that isn't going to happen, because I am working on it. But I don't see why he can say that he would put off marriage because of it. Basically to me that just means too fat to marry.


this should probably just be be a blog post and not a thread but I just needed to get it out, sorry.

I can totally understand that having to lose weight or you won't marry doesn't sound appealing to you. How did this end up on the list anyway, if you do not want it there? Obviously it's not a very good idea to marry if you don't have the money to fund the marriage, or a place to live together. Losing weight sounds to me like it is a completely different category. Does he have a similar goal on the list? And how does he react when you say you don't want your marriage to be subject to your weight? Good luck girl! No one is too fat to marry

What? I'd have his balls for bookends!

Maybe he just wants you to feel your happiest that day?

This is a very controlling person. Are you sure you want to live with someone like that ? What other conditions will he want you to meet ?

sounds to me like everything on the 'list" is an excuse NOT to get married at all. If he truly loved you, he would want to be married to you, and there would be no conditions. Dump the excess baggage(the guy, how many pounds would that get rid of instantly? tell him you are about to lose ___ lbs in a matter of seconds...lol), you can only lose weight for you, not for anyone else. I hope he doesn't have you convinced that he is the only guy that will ever 'love you' because that is SO not true.

I have a different look on it.

**Disclaimer: I do not know you or him personally. Please do not be offended.

My husband is a very supportive person. He also doesn't always choose the best words to use when discussing hard topics like this. IF your BF is anything like my DH, here is what he probably meant.

Losing weight is very important to you. He can see that with the changes you have made and the choices you are making. I'm sure at some point you might have mentioned that you'd like to lose X amount or wear a size X before the wedding. He is probably thinking that by putting that as a goal, he is showing support for your life change. He is putting it up there to prove that he is behind you 100%. He just forgot to word it differently. The part about waiting until you have lost it is about your happiness. Who wants to have an unhappy bride on their wedding day? Or, someone who constantly looks back at wedding pics and comments about how fat they are or how they wish their face was a little skinnier.

I know that comments hurt. Believe me. It took a long time to learn "Guy Lingo". Don't be threatening. He probably doesn't know he hurt you! Sit him down and ask him to explain what he meant in detail. Ask him for examples. Then, if he can't explain what he really meant to your satisfaction, then it is true. He IS the biggest jerk and a hole of the world. Agreed.

But, he just might surprise you! Give him a chance!

I also think he's got good intentions, and maybe that him using marriage as a weight loss reward indicates different ideas about what marriage means (is he one of those people who just sees it as a piece of paper and some legal benefits? like me? ).

My husband sometimes comes up with weight-loss plans or motivational tools for me that I don't really like, but if I don't immediately state clearly that I'm not on board, he thinks that I'm into it. Guys like to fix things, and when they love you they want to fix all of your problems... but sometimes they end up causing more!

If you want your weight taken off of the list of requirements, and were trying to imply that with the question you asked him, I think you were being much too subtle. The average guy isn't going to pick up on that. I think you need to sit down and TELL him that it makes you feel bad, and that you appreciate his support but this method is NOT motivating you like he intends.

Then, if he still doesn't think you should get married until after you lose the weight, he's being a jerk, and maybe there's something else going on here (some other reason not to get married that he's covering up with this?).

I agree with both sides here.. I would also want to use his balls as bookends (I love that expression haha) BUT that doesn't necessarily mean his intentions are callous and mean. Most women dream of their wedding day, look foward to it, picture it, etc. MAYBE he thinks by putting it on the list it will motivate you, somehow. Guys can be idiots and he may not realize that it hurts you to see it on the list as a "condition" in order to be married. Maybe in his twisted male mind he thinks that if YOU think he'll wait until you lose the weight to marry you, you'll get right on that, cause you want that wedding dontcha?? (sarcasm there too) Frankly if you don't like that clause there, I'd speak up about it and not be so subtle. Tell him that it's something you want to do for yourself, and so you guys can have a long healthy life together as well, but that if he wouldn't marry you based on weight alone, maybe you need to reconsider your relationship. Just my two cents!

I think I am more in agreement with HeatherMcG...

...mostly because my boyfriend and I went through some problems and I went searching through the internet for ways to deal with it and all I found was "dump the chump" kind of solutions and that was a very rash way of dealing with a problem that ended up being very solvable.

I can tell from my boyfriend he loves me the way I am (overweight) but I sense he would like me to lose the weight and be healthy and have more energy. He would stick with me through the end of days the way I am now but life would be better if I dropped the weight... I would have a lot more energy and that translates to more fun for him (for adventures and you know.. home adventures...). Who doesn't want their life partner to be healthy???

Without knowing you or your boyfriend and just taking a stab in the dark, I think he wants to start off the marriage on the right foot. My friend's brother canceled his wedding last year because of his fiance's financial debt. Next year they WILL marry, after the debt has been better taken care of.

And maybe he just wants assurance that you are willing to take care of your health and he won't be dealing with a sick and unhealthy wife the rest of his life. My boyfriend is very thin with rocket-speed metabolism so he can eat unhealthy... I think I'd like to see him demonstrate he CAN take care of himself before I pledge my life to him, lest his unhealthy ways ultimately prove self-destructive.

I think of marriage as a partnership. Your problems become his problems and maybe he just wants those problems minimized before he feels responsible for them too. It's also a risk... you could lose the weight, marry, and then have something happen to you where you regain the weight without much control.

Maybe you can ask him WHY exactly its important for you to lose weight. .. and what happens if you somehow gain weight again in the marriage. Those answers could be very telling of the type of man he is and whether it's worth it to want to stick things out with him.

I agree with this mostly. "Guy Lingo" is like a secret lost tribal language that the military could use to send commands in code. "I don't really care" would mean all forces advance!
I'm judging by my husband here and I haven't met your fiance obviously, but if my husband said something like that he would have meant it as support. He would say something like that because if posed the question, he would believe that's exactly what he's supposed to say...the "right" answer if you will.
If you press your fiance a little more to qualify the statement and explain it more fully, he probably will. Or there's always the possibility that he won't because he can't because he thought it was the "right" answer and has no way to qualify it.
But since you guys have already been together 4 years and have made life plans together, it seems that he loves you to death. And it seems like you are on the right track relationship wise because you note that you guys agree on the goals you want to achieve and the time frame in which you want to achieve them. So that's a sign that the relationship is good.

In my opinion...the keys to a happy marriage are a.) separate checking accounts and b.) never ever ever ask a guy a direct question. They WILL get it wrong. They will say the exact thing they are not supposed to say and many of them will do this not just out of instinct, but after actually calculating in their heads what the right answer is. My husband is one of the latter. Its like he's a mathematical outlier to the law of probability. Even if you blindly flip a coin 50 times, it SHOULD land on tails in some of those flips.

To us girls, we understand "do I look fat in this" is a completely rhetorical question. Yet my husband...will still...to this day say something like, "only in the arms and butt, but the rest looks ok." That's a girl friend answer, not a husband answer! And he just doesn't understand the difference!

Maybe he thinks he is helping you or providing motivation? I know when I vent or complain to my husband about anything he always wants to try to come up with a way to fix what I am unhappy about. So, if you were venting about wanting to lose weight, maybe this is his way of "helping". I try to tell my husband I just want him to listen not solve my problems lol.

You have been together for a long time, obviously he loves you. have you discussed how this makes you feel with him at all? Maybe he puts it on the list because he thinks YOU want it there?

was it ur idea to lose weight before the wedding? maybe by saying he'll wait for u to lose the weight maybe he thinks that's important to u and he doesn't want to rush u into walking down the aisle when u feel that ur not looking ur best.

I'm with all the other ladies who think it was just a silly boy answer. I too had a similiar situation and ended up not being offended at all. I've been with my bf for 4 years. And he knows I CAN'T WAIT to be engaged. I'm always complaining about my weight and how I have no will power yada yada, and how I'm so much bigger then when we got together. One day I said, "Why can't I find a reason to lose the weight? I can never find something important enough to give me will power." He turns to me and says, "fine how bout this, you get back to the weight you wanna be, and we will get engaged." I thought this was the biggest motivation. He was taking something I wanted so badly and trying to light a fire under my butt! And it worked. (for awhile) but that was years ago. He was just trying to help me out.

I'm thinking maybe this is similar to your situation. Maybe he is just trying to get you motivated and not meaning for it to be hurtful. After 4 years he clearly loves you.

I agree with Heather MCG and all the others- of course we don't know the situation but the fact is the man has a penis, therefore he has no tact. My father warned me about this before I got married and more often than not I'm reminding myself of his "words of wisdom". My husband would say something about my weight in a loving way, just like, "be careful Carly you dont' want to gain back what you've lost!" that sort of thing, and I would take it personally. When I asked him about it, and told him that it hurt me, he felt so badly because all he ever meant was to be supportive. Men are pleasers- they want to know that you are happy with them and that they are doing what they can to make you happy. It's not uncommon for a guy to say something stupid, when in his mind it was the right thing to say.
I'd take this as an opportunity to improve your communication with one another, sit down and have a chat about it.

Good luck, and remember if he IS being a manipulative shallow a$$, then you don't need to put up with that. But I'm pretty sure he's just being supportive in his own guy-way.