OT: sometimes i get jealous when...
 

my bf wants to hang out with ppl that aren't me.

let me explain...

so i live in another country where i only know my bf, and the ppl that i live with. and on weekends i hang out with my bf during my free time. sometimes, he'll decide that he wants to hang out with a friend instead. and i know he feels bad, bc of the way he says it.

for example, i had a msg from him today saying "oh yeah, i wanted to tell you that i'm going to see an old friend that lives far away tonight, so i was wondering if we could hang out tomorrow instead. but we'll be in florida soon!!"

like the florida part was meant to soften the blow of hanging out with someone else tonight. anyway.

i was trying to figure out what it is that causes that little sting of jealousy when this happens. i think it's bc i have no one else. i think it would be different if i could hang out with my friends while he's out with his. and i dont like feeling that he's my only source of entertainment. and i really dont like the idea of him also feeling like he's my only source of entertainment.

so i came to the conclusion that it's not so much jealousy that he's with other ppl, but jealousy of his power of choice.

i'm still frustrated though. :?:

I can relate. I have no friends here in California. My boyfriend however is from here so he's got friends. I get jealous when he goes to hang out with them on weekends, time that I want to spend with him. He says that I can go too, but I don't want to. They aren't my friends. All mine are back home in Texas.

Go make a friend. And flaunt it in his face. LMAO! My last boyfriend moved here and met me and we started dating, he didn't really have other friends but work friends, so that left me as his constant companion. He'd lay on guilt trips when I would have girls night out and go out with my chicas. Then, he found a friend and started hanging out with him and MAN was I jealous of the other guy...lmao!!!
I'm sorry you are so alone, is it a language barrier that is keeping you from making friends outside of your relationship?

i would suggest you go shopping, looking around things, i usually do that when i'm bored. Or even just grab a book, an Ipod, and head to starbuck (or whatever coffee shop near by), and read the book, sometimes listen to some musics, and watching people walking by.
or, clean the house...

But the best way is to make new friends :) Do u have something you want to learn ? a short term class might be nice.

i guess it could be a language barrier... but i mean i really dont even know where to make friends ya know. most ppl are bilingual and speak english. or at least some english. but i wouldn't even really know where to meet them.

there is this hike thing tonight, in the park. it's like 15$. and i'm debating whether or not to go. it's just really cold here and really snowy now. but it would be nice to go out and do something.

i think i just need convincing to do it...

would you go??

I would def go

ok i totally agree with you about walking around... but i live in a suburb. so there really isn't much walking around or things nearby. like you'd have to take the bus and go into the city to do anything. and there's sooooo much snow so that makes it a bit discouraging.


in regards to taking a class though, i went to this drawing group like one time. it was fun and i did meet some ppl to talk to while i was there. this will sound really lame, but it's on saturday evenings. and i only see my bf on the weekends, so i wouldn't want to take the class every saturday evening, b/c then i'd never see my bf. lame i know.

there's a foot of snow on the ground..... and it's roughly -10C outside.

but gosh darnit, i think i might do it!!!

it will be good excercise to try and stay warm and walk at the same time...lol! wear boots, tuck your pants into them, and a sweater under your coat and a hat and mittens and then, when your done, see if anyone on the walk is up for hot coffee/cocoa/tea...bam! insta friends!

definitely go! if it's that cold people will end up going somewhere warm afterwards and get a chance to talk more.

unfortunately, i do not have boots. so that part sucks a bit. but the coffee idea is phenomenal... you are good. i seriously would never have thought of that on my own. hah

i'm hoping that someone speaks english. even just a little bit.

btw, the hike is kinda called "Randonnée Pédestre à la Pleine Lune pour Célibataires" which basically means full moon hike for singles.

im not single. does that mean that i can't go.

i see, So weather is also another reason makes it hard :( When it comes to weather and snow... all of our sources seem more limited than ever.

about that drawing group, i don't think it's lame at all. If i were you, i would choose to spend saturday with my bf as well. Don't they have other classes or other time schedule? i think most groups/schools open couple of times a week so their time will somehow meet your schedule.

Do you like knitting? if not then maybe you want to learn it? :p it's also a reaaaally good way of spending times. Or cooking new recipes? I love trying new recipes when i'm bored because it's so exciting to see the outcome that i don't know yet :p

P/S: ~_~ i sound like a good housewife with all the house-work i suggest you >"<

hmmmm....well, you'll be alone...an opportunity to make friends, doesnt' mean you HAVE to hook up with anybody in a romantic sense.

oh btw, aren't u married? if not then legally you're single :p
it's an opportunity to change atmosphere and make new friends so totally suggest you go ^^

Yeah, I lived in a small town in a foreign country for several years and VERY few people to hang out with. I felt jealous when my roommate would spend time with other people, because I had no one else. I think it's normal to feel that way. I think it's important to realize that your boyfriend is trying to be nice to you, he's not trying to hurt you. And realize that your feelings are normal and ok.

I'm going to tough love you. from all your replies, it sounds like you have a lot of excuses for not going out. I was in the same boat as you, when I lived in brazil, where no one spoke english. I took portugese lessons, and also used my forgienness( sp) as a benifit, going to cafe's and attempting to chat with locals. helped my portugese and i met heaps of new people- took me a little while but I soon became the talk of the town, i couldnt walk down the street with out people yelling out OLA GRINGA! you just have to step out of your comfort zone.

Stellart... i live overseas and speak hardly ANY of the language. There's this GREAT website now online that a friend of mine who moved to live in Hong Kong joined, and we've both met tons of nice young professional people to hang with. The site is called Internations. They have socials in public places and all of the people are English speaking expats who live in that area, and locals who speak decent English. It is awesome...check it out, because once you have a group of friends too, the jealousy goes away. Well, a little. :) I live 3000 miles away from my bf and when he tells me taht I get that little twinge too. Just means ya love him ;) Good luck! Where do you live btw?

i live in montreal. well just off the island that is. its really really cold right now. haha really cold. but i'm braving it, and i'm going tonight. the worst that happens is i hate it and wasted 3 hours of my life and roughly 30$

thanks for the motivation, frens! :carrot:

Montreal and you have nothing to do!????!?!?

Young lady, you had better put on some skank-wear and get your butt on that bus. They have fantastic dance clubs in Montreal and french-Canadian men are only second to real frenchmen as far as bringing sexy back. And yes, I routinely go clubbing by myself. Take some pepper spray and watch your drinks. You'll be fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the whole uptight significant other. Whatever. As far as i'm concerned it's perfectly fine to get your appetite in the streets so long as you eat at home... :P

Stellart, I live in a foreign country with almost no friends. My boyfriend is less social than me so I'd say he officially has 0 friends. But the jealousy I had started back home. We are totally enmeshed and co-dependent and spend all our time together. All his friends back home were mostly women because he's just not a guys-guy. I would feel jealous and I think he could tell so he hung out with them less and less. Now he has no friends here and almost no friends left back home and I feel really bad. In fact I'm always suggesting "Hey you should contract Kristin... see what she's up to." and he replies "Nah, I don't even like her."

Being co-dependent really put a strain on our relationship when we first got here. We really are each others' only source of entertainment! But within that pressure cooker, we both really found this new drive to improve ourselves (or I did and told my boyfriend and he said "Yeah, sure, new hobbies, new friends, sounds good.").

My plan is to pursue some goals or interests that have long been on the back burner. For me that is making weight loss a number one priority, finishing my Master's (started 6 years ago!), creating art and pursuing writing. While my boyfriend lost his friends thanks to co-dependence, I lost my hobbies and interests. I am also smiling at people more, going out to events that seem even remotely interesting (everything from regatta races to yoga classes), trying to talk to people more.

It's not a perfect system. I've met 3 people in the last 2 weeks and made friends with them on Facebook. I sent them all a what I thought was witty message and an invitation out for a drink sometime soon and got no replies. It makes me not want to try but in my situation, I HAVE to try. I have to make friends, even if it's with people who aren't my A-1 choice, just for the betterment of my relationship. It is amazing in my friends pursuit how much I like and appreciate my boyfriend more.

Would you be willing to meet friends on the internet? When I moved to Minneapolis I went around for about 4 months friendless and finally turned to the internet, putting out a platonic ad on craigslist. I met a bunch of cool people, most are still my friends now (albeit very very far away now... :( ). I'd totally do it again but Busan/Korean doesn't seem so hooked up on craigslist. Also, I met a ton of cool people volunteering at this little radio station (and the gig was fun too). My friend just moved to Chicago and has struggled to make friends. She just joined a improv comedy theater and has met a lot of cool people.

I think you if you put yourself our there more and especially concentrate on some interests you have, you'll feel less dependent on your boyfriend.

but then again, if you only see your boyfriend twice a week, that sucks if he cancels one of those days. Can you have a make-up day during the week? Then you won't feel like you're getting shafted.

I'd definitely second what Joyra brought up - find somewhere to volunteer! Outside of classes, that's where I've met almost all of my friends!

ok, first off lemme just start by saying that i went on the hike... and it was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

i'm so glad that i went, and i dont regret it for a minute. le parc du mont-royal is absolutely beautiful. a true sanctuary in the middle of the city. after about an hour of hiking, i literally forgot that we were in the middle of montreal. it was just woods, and snow, and ice-laden trees. so pristine, so fresh, so perfect. the ppl in the group were so nice. it was great to just talk to new ppl. even though it was a "singles group" and i'm sure the men were prolly attempting to hit on me. and they were all a bit socially awkward. but i reminded myself early on, that i was not even there to hook up anyway, so what does that matter. and i was able to just enjoy it all.

there's this one point, where you get to the top of the mountain, and you overlook the city. and when we were climbing i was looking at the ground so i didn't fall, so when i reached the top, i look up, and see the whole city lit up in all directions down below, and it was completely breathtaking.

so anyway, i'm so glad that i went. thank you for the motivation. i needed that. i'm proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something new. i feel so empowered.

thank you so much ladies for all the encouragement!!

stellart, sounds amazing! How neat.