Dating while overweight
 

I'm about 70 pounds overweight and I'm (still) single. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll meet someone once I lose the weight because I have a "great personality" (that's up there with having a pretty face!!! :mad:). I wonder if this is true. Is it possible that men are turned off by the fact that I'm so overweight? But then I wonder, do I have to hit a *magic number* before I start getting noticed?? I'm so frustrated!!!!!

As sad as it is a lot of people judge others based on what they look like. I get more attention now that I have lost weight and it's annoying in a way. I have only changed physically and have the same personality which is supposed to be the important part.

Of course there are wounderful people out there who really do get to know you and like you for the right reasons but that takes time. There is no magic number and I'm sure you've heard the "you just have to wait for the right person" line, which is true. Be patient, you can't force it.

You're working on improving your life and becoming a healthier person and that's what matters most. Go you for that!

I don't think there's a magic number for all people, it depends on the guy and on you. For me, I noticed that once I was around 200 and a little under, my confidence and slimmer body were enough that more people were talking to me.

I've noticed now that I've lost a lot of weight I get WAY more compliments/looks from guys....after a while it honestly gets annoying being hit on..didn't think I'd ever say that..lol..but it's true!

i dont know, to be honest. Ive always been overweight when ive dated, but i do find that when i am less overweight i get more attention. Who knows, just be yourself, keep losing, and see ;)

I'm dating a man, and can have such a difficult time receiving his love because of how i feel about myself. Truth is, there are some guys who are turned off by weight, just like there are those who are turned on by weight. I end up having problems when i look for guys to fill my insecurities. I think it was mentioned already, but bears repeating- you're taking care of yourself. Thats whats important. Oh yeah- I spent years in an emotionally damaging relationship just so i could say i wasnt single. The guy meant well- we just shouldve remained friends. Long story, i'll share it if you want (send me a PM). Anywho, sometimes its better to be alone, working on yourself, than alledgedly together and unhappy. Best of luck to you!!!!!

I guess I feel frustrated because I hate feeling like my life is on hold, you know? I feel like I have to lose a bunch of weight and THEN I can start having the relationships that I want. But I do know that while I'm mistreating myself through overeating and lack of exercise, I usually allow others to mistreat me. So my singleness might not be SO bad... although it gets lonely!

I don't know what the magic number was but there was definently some point where all the sudden I was getting hit on while at the bar, at parties, while at work, ect. I think part of it is more then just weight loss I think in general I present myself with more confidence now that I've lost weight and no longer care how people think about how I look.

I think you should go ahead and date. I've weighed from 240 to 160 and I've always gotten a lot of attention from guys! Yah I'm sure I got more attention when I was thinner but I don't think weight is such a huge issue. I think guys like confidence. If you walk into a room radiating confidence in your appearance I think it makes you look more beautiful. (Not to be confused with radiating arrogance!) So go out there and start dating! And any decent guy will like you no matter what size you are. And wouldn't it feel great if you knew the guy you were with already saw you at your worst?? You wouldn't ever have those, "what if I gain the weight back?" questions because he was with you through that!!

I agree, if you're confident in yourself, then don't worry :)

I have some of the same feelings you do though, it stops me from dating because i'm just to scared of what others will think of me. agh. we gotta stop thinking this say!

LadyPhoenix, I had a "magic number" which I STILL haven't met but it made me be single for almost 5 years. I had some people hit on me here or there but I never TRIED to date. Then one day this guy hit on me at a show, someone I wasn't interested in but it made me feel really good. About a week later I posted an online dating ad and I went on a date with 4 guys. They all liked me a lot, two of them are still my friends and one of them is my boyfriend of more than 2 years.

In my experience, the minute I thought "I'm going to quit 'acting fat', then suddenly there were all these people available. It happened to me when I got my first boyfriend, right after high school, too. Confidence gets you FAR. :love:

Everyone is right, the thinner you are the more likely you are to be hit on. BUT if that person only wants you at your thinnest (and not now) they are not a good person to have. My skinny underweight boyfriend has watched me go from 40 lbs overweight to 65 lbs overweight (and hopefully back down again) and never said a single negative word.

So don't put your LIFE on hold! Get out there and live it. A relationship is just one aspect of anyone's life.

My dating life is on hold not so much due to the weight, but the excess skin that I have. I think only the odd rare guy can get past it, honestly.. not that I give them a chance, because I never let it go that far. It's different if you're already with someone because they know you enough to look past it, but not someone new. I joined this dating site and I've talked to some guys, but I feel like I have to offer this disclaimer... lol... so I never let it get farther than conversation. Anyway, I guess I'll put up with it til I get the surgery I want later in the year.

This is crazy! I have dated at my highest weight and at my lowest weight... Men like women of all different shapes, sized, colors and creeds. Just gotta give the right one a chance. I agree though a lot of it has to do with how YOU feel about yourself. If you are a wallflower and your overweight hiding in a corner chances are you won't be noticed. If you walk in somewhere, looking good, feeling good, acting like you don't give a S#!T (even if you do) people will notice. You only have one life... there are no do-overs. If you want to date you should not let the weight hold you back. Plus your numbers are not really that high right now so chances are there are some demons that you need to deal with on the inside (changing the way you see yourself for one). Once you get past all of that you may find it easier to believe that you can get the dating life you want. :smug:

No magic number for sure. If you feel good,it will show on you. Guys will be attracted to you like bees to honey. There is someone waiting for you there and you will meet him and be in love no matter what your weight will be then :)

There's no magic number. Heck, guys don't have any idea of what your number even is...My guy balked when I told him I was going on a diet because it was "silly for someone as tiny as you to diet." Uh huh...tell that to the obese BMI that I had at the time. He was "helping" me pick out shirts one day and couldn't understand why I was having so much trouble...he was finding LOTS of shirts. Unfortunately he kept handing me smalls and mediums when I was trying to find larges and x-larges. Moral of the story: if you find someone worth your time, chances are that they're going to look past your waistline to actually get to know you for you.

There seems to be tons of people on here happily married, engaged, or otherwise attached from all over the weight spectrum...The issue is getting past your own inhibitions. When guys used to give me attention, I always figured that there was an ulterior motive because I found myself so unattractive that I couldn't imagine someone actually being interested in me. I dressed like a guy, refused to make eye contact with people that I didn't know at parties, and generally was just terribly anti-social. Then the internet happened...and I'm about 50x more outgoing online than I am irl. So I got in the habit of having nerdy discussions with guys online and somehow that translated into actually talking to people off of the computer...then since halfway through high school I really haven't had much trouble finding a boyfriend or even a hookup if I wanted one despite the fact that I was between 180 and 200 lbs up until June.

This is SO silly to me. Why would you want to even date someone that doesn't love you for you? I can't wrap my head around this theory. I met my husband when I was pushing 300 and he's been there no matter what. (He's 6' and 170lbs and hot.) I've never struggled finding a man though. I do believe it has a lot to do with your confidence levels. I've never settled for less than the best and never lived my life like I was fat. (If that makes sense.)

Idk, don't sell yourself short. That's my advice. If you want to date, go out there and do it. Go to a bar, buy a guy a drink. Go on a speed date. Join match.com. There are definitely options. Just have fun. Life is short.

I also recommend not waiting until you're thinner to be in a relationship- you'll respect your partner so much more if (s)he cared about you when you were slightly obese. A successful relationship or date is also a great confidence booster, and will help you stay motivated on your weight loss journey.

Yeah, definitely don't wait. Find someone who loves you for you... You never know what the future holds and someone who loves EVERY inch of you will be more likely to be supportive if things go south in the future. There is definitely no magic number.... My past boyfriend used to say his ideal weight was 10 - 20 lbs above "normal" and I asked him who he thought was normal, and he said my sister. Well, my sister is already 20 lbs overweight... I think a lot of men (and women, really) have a really bad idea of how much people weigh.

Just be healthy and find someone who cares about you, not about your body. My fiance loves me no matter what size, but he also wants me to lose weight so I can be healthier - this is what you should be looking for, IMO.

My boyfriend thinks I'm perfect and can't imagine why I'd want to lose weight, and I'm a good 70lbs over a "healthy" weight!

It is about finding the man that loves YOU, not your body. Don't wait for that. Tomorrow is not guaranteed (and who knows how long it will take to get to a weight you feel "comfortable" dating?).

I agree that you shouldn't see yourself short, and don't sell the entire male gender short either. Assuming that no decent guy will be interested in a woman of size (unless he has a fat fetish) sell the entire gender short, and it also prevents you from seeing these guys (because you'll assume that any interest paid to you, proves a guy is creepy and unworthy of you.

If you're superficial yourself (and only want to date gorgeous or weatlhy men, for example) then you are going to have a hard time finding a match if you're not willing to date they guys who are strongly attracted to larger women. Women who want men to look past imperfections (according to societal standards) have to be willing to look past imperfections as well.

Though imperfection isn't exactly the right word, because sometimes what's imperfect to society is perfect for an individual (I love that my hubby doesn't fit the societal ideals, because what makes him imperfect according to society, is what makes him perfect for me). I love (most of the time) that hubby doesn't have a whole lot of tact. He mostly says what he thinks, and that can be seen as rude at times, but I never have to guess what he's really thinking. I love that about him, and wish more people were as direct.

Often men who are attracted to women who don't fit the stereotype of attractiveness are a bit shy. Not even necessarily shy so much as slow-to-warm up. That was hubby. He wasn't at all shy, but he was a bit relluctant to admit his feelings (or even if he had any). This describes me too (I was reluctant to let a man know I was very attracted to him, unless he'd expressed his attraction first).

I'm glad I placed a personal ad, because hubby and I would have never hooked up in "real life."

Psst: this was from 4 years ago. ;)

Holy crap, you're right...this is the second necropost I've commented on recently...now I just feel silly.

I'm sure some of it is still relevant, of course. But I don't think people realized how old it was. :)

Well the nice thing about this thread, is that it's concerning an issue that comes up very frequently here, so even if OP is long gone (or even happily married) by now, it very likely will help many people who have the same feelings but perhaps haven't yet asked the question.

I have had periods of my life where I didn't have any dates and felt horrible. But honestly, once I started to gain confidence and like myself I had no trouble finding people to date. I have been blessed with the most affirming friends and they find me sexy, so I find myself sexy, so other people find me sexy.

I have even been given the (dubious and horrible) compliment of "I don't usually date fat girls but you just seemed so different I had to go out on a date with you" I didn't like his attitude, but it was sort of flattering that my attitude made him want to see what made me different.

Here is my experience. I've only done online dating as I never meet people in real life - I either don't hang out at the right places, or I put off "leave me alone" vibes lol.

I dated several years ago at my highest weight. I had very few people who were interested, and those that I did go out with were not a great fit. (I took a long break after a bad experience where the guy was waaaaay more into me than I was into him, and he ended up getting hurt very badly because I didn't have enough experience to recognize it and handle it properly.)

I started up on the sites again at about 190 lbs and still had relatively little interest. I kept at it, had a few phone calls but no dates. Once I got to around 160 and updated my pics, it literally was like the floodgates had opened - I had many many times the number of people contacting me.

I always had the attitude that they should like me for me, not for the weight. But in practice, I think that was a bit naive. Even when I was obese I didn't want to date someone who was obese.

I agree with earlier posts. Theres definitely no magic number, I met guys at all different sizes. I'll be honest though the biggest reason was that I always had a sense of confidence even at my biggest. Strangely enough I don't have half as much anymore, because I'm so aware of my size. However I do now have a truly amazing, loving and complimentary boyfriend who really looks after me. In all honesty I think that he will come when you least expect it, that's what happened to me.

Yikes. I certainly hope you don't seriously think there is a certain weight number where all men suddenly want to date a woman. I'm a little bit chunky and my boyfriend (who is pretty skinny, btw) doesn't mind at all, he supports me losing a bit of weight; or whatever I want to do. Because he loves me for the person I am, he isn't so shallow to only be concerned about my waist line. Getting down to a certain weight should be about feeling good and being more healthy not on whether or not you'll get into a relationship. Like was said earlier, a relationship is only one aspect of a person's life.

It's all about finding the right guy, not getting down to the right weight. I think men get a lot of crap for this and it's sad, not all of them are so focused solely on appearances!