Sorry if this is a bit long, but I had a bad night last night and I feel awful about it today.
Last night, we went to a friend's house for dinner and conversation. We get together with this group of friends once a month for just that. Anyway, at dinner, she made this superb thanksgiving dinner and it was so good that I got up for seconds. I probably didn't need any (I know I didn't need any more) but I did. It was like there's something in my head that when I'm around good food, it just totally takes over my desire to eat healthy and lose weight and be good. I just have no concept of "feeling full" until I'm stuffed. It's weird. Anyway, so I was a little embarassed about that.
Then, later in the evening, my husband kept saying things like, "you look tired," to which I replied "no, I'm fine." The third couple had left by this time and it was just our hosts and us. I kept talking because I was enjoying the conversation. I did try to find a clock to look at, but the only one in sight was the microwave across the room, and I couldn't quite make it out, but I thought it said 9-something. Shortly thereafter, we started moving to the foyer to leave and I looked at my cell phone - it was after 10:30. As we walked out to our car, my husband started getting upset with me about how I didn't take his hints and we shouldn't have stayed that late, and now we didn't have time to stop and get anything for him to have for breakfast or run the erands we wanted to. And (after reiterating his point about 15 times) he switched to me taking seconds at dinner and how I shouldn't have and he only got seconds to get away from us girls and our girl talk.
I still felt awful about it this morning and now. I just want to cry. I don't know what I'm more upset about - my husband berating me all the way home or my own lack of attention to the clock and my eating. This morning he had the gaul to tell me he wanted me to try and hide it if I was sad because it upset him after he expressed in our premarital work that he wants me to stop bottling things up.
I emailed our hosts this morning to apologize for overstaying our welcome, which helped me feel a little better, but I'm still so devistated. It almost seems silly to be upset about now after writing all of it out, and I know a large part of this is my seasonal affective disorder setting in, but I just wish my husband would have acknowledged that. He knows this time of the year is really hard for me. Instead he trampled my feelings like he always does because "it's the only way to get through to me."
Any encouragement would be appreciated. I just feel like such a dolt.
Honestly I think your husband way over stepped the line on this! He sounds exactly like my exhusband, always belittling me and making it almost impossible for me to ever lose weight. Infact the few months after I left him, I dropped weight like crazy. I am not telling you to leave him, but you can't let the stress of it to get to you. So what if you indulge one time a month...shoot once a week would even be ok. No body in this world is perfect, and we are all doing the best that we can. I have faith that you can lose the weight that you want to loose, and feel much better about yourself. He needs to be more supportive of your efforts, and more intune with your needs. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me...alway happy to listen. :-)
My boyfriend would do that to me to. If I did anything wrong according ot him, he'd tell me over and over again all night long. And it wears on you, it makes you feel like crap and worthless. So don't second guess yourself here - your husband needed to be respectful to you and talk to you as an equal, he should not have talked down at you.
You guys need to talk about it I think. maybe next time, he can have a code phrase or something. You didn't try - you did nothing wrong.
When this would happen to me, I try to remind myself how amazing I am as a person no matter what anyone says! *huge hug*
I definitely think your husband was out of line. If you're having a good time talking with your girlfriend, he can wait a little while. Its not all about him, right? And its NOT his place to make comments about what you are or are not eating. You knew what you were doing when you got that second plate, you aren't a bad person for doing it, and It was your choice. He should respect your own choices and the way you decide to go about losing weight. And as far as not being able to pick him up something for breakfast? Can't he fend for himself? Your life isn't all about providing for him, and spending time with your girlfriends is important!
My advice? Take it to the gym and take your feelings out on the treadmill. You'll feel better about EVERYTHING - what you ate (which wasn't that bad) and how your husband acted.
Thanks so much for the replies. Don't get me wrong - he has been super supportive of my weight loss. We've been working on losing together and he's been my biggest fan throughout this. So, I know when he's telling me about me taking seconds, he has my best interests at heart, it was really just the wrong way and time of brining it up - right when I was already upset and he had no more tact left in his being.
I love the idea of a code phrase, garstar! I actually just emailed him regarding an ad I saw and told him that our code phrase from now on is, "We have a hungry kitty at home," which we do. We'll see what he says. I'm still a little upset about him wanting me to hide my upset, but at least this morning he was in a good mood and seemed to had moved on. He kept telling me how amazing I looked as I was doing my hair. I think I choose to focus on this thought rather than thoughts from last night.
What you eat is your choice right? If you want to go for seconds it is your decision. Even though you are married, you are an independent adult person and no one should have the guts to berate you about your dinner choices except for extreme circumstances.
And I find it a little odd that your husband thinks there is something wrong with your communication. I find his way of handling the matter at your hosts less than clear. He could just have said: "Hey, I see it's late already! I'm enjoying myself but methinks it's about time to go home... what do you think?" I always find being angry for not taking hints a little odd. If you want someone to understand what you're trying to bring across you should not use hints! Almost any message can be bent into a polite and acceptable wording. And I find the remark he made to you in the morning outright disrespectful. You are at home with him. You should not have to hide any feeling you have because it upsets him. You are upset - it would be odd not to show it. That would be really bottling it up. I can imagine you feel bad about this situation, it's probably not due to your SAD only.
And if you were still having a nice conversation I can hardly imagine you overstayed your welcome. I hope you can still remember the good parts of this evening; it would be a shame if those were overshadowed.
Honestly, I think the hiding your sadness b/c it upsets him is his way of not letting you tell him how bad his behavior was the night before. It doesn't matter how supportive someone is, if they say something wrong to you they need to apologize. He probably just doesn't want to admit he was wrong and overreacted. He got snarky with you and said hurtful things, SAD isn't the reason you got upset, his behavior is...Forgive him b/c that's what you do in a marriage but let him know it's gonna be hard to forgive this again, especially when he won't admit he was downright mean to you.
For starters... you have NOTHING to feel bad about. So you stayed a bit late at a friend's place. .....did you stay late to murder someone? Sacrifice a kitten on the altar of satan? Persecute some indigenous peoples? Unless the answer is "yes" to any of the above, I think that it's safe to say that you were fairly innocent in the whole ordeal.
It sounds like your husband was unfortunately a bit frustrated and wanting to go earlier. Well, that happens with men and women. I can't count the number of times I've sat in silence and annoyance while my boyfriend played video games with the guys and I'm counting down the number of hours I have left before I have to WAKE UP to go to work... I agree with Garstar, a code sentence sounds like a good idea to resolve that.
As to commenting on you taking seconds... I know it's our natural tendency to all immediately jump onto your side and say he's a jerk and an @ss and HOW DARE HE SAY THAT, etc. And my instantaneous reaction is to do the same thing!! That being said, I doubt that he's a bad person otherwise you wouldn't have jumped to his defense about him being supportive of you. So, as an outsider, I would assume that in the situation he was upset... he was frustrated... and he handled it ALL WRONG. He latched onto something he perceived to be small and trivial that could be "pay back" for you keeping him there for hours in frustration. He made a comment about your eating habits.
Low blow. Douchebag move to be sure.
I think talking to him about how that made/makes you feel isn't a bad idea if you're comfortable with it. He, of course, hasn't got a right to make you feel bad for what you choose to or not to eat, and hopefully you can let him know that it's not alright.
As for him wanting you to hide when you're sad... UGH. MEN. I think they all would probably very much prefer if we all hid it when we were upset. My boyfriend goes into panic attack mode when I start crying, and just has.. NO IDEA what to do or say. If I'm hurt or upset, I'm usually being "unreasonable."
My friend Andrea has the perfect saying. Women are crazy, and men are idiots. Which is to say a little more bluntly that women are emotional, and let's be honest, oftentimes ruled by our feelings, whether they seem rational to men or not... and men are passively oblivious. Gross generalization, but I love it, because it always fits, lol.
I hope you don't let this really get you down. You seem like a lovely, wonderful person, who doesn't deserve to stress about these kinds of things. You did nothing wrong in all of this, and you can't blame yourself.
In Serious Need of Comfort & Support!!
