I went out for dinner with a couple of girlfriends last night. As usually the conversation turned to our respective others. I couldn't beleive what I was hearing! I couldn't believe that my gergeous, smart, funny amazing friends were with such idoits....

Friend 1- Of 11 of the 18 months they have been dating he has been unemployed. Now before, you tell me that the eccomy is crap and it's difficult to find a job. That's not the case where I live. Every Safeway, Starbucks, Resturant and construction compay is begging for staff here. The Starbuck near my house only has their drive through open b/c they don't have enough staff to run both the inside and drive through. There is no reason for him to be out of work. He owes her money, uses her computer b/c his internet has been turned off. He didn't get her even so much as a card for her bday b/c he was broke. But managed to go out drinking with his friends the next night. He's 32 years old so far behind in his child support that they province pulled his drivers licience.

Friend 2 - Her bf is just weird... He in all seriousness once told me that he believed the movie the matrix "was as close to the truth as we'd ever get". He tells people to call him Neo. Last night my friend (who doesn't want kids) said that she has taken to hiding her birthcontrol pills b/c she's worried he'll tamper with them so she'll get pregnant! She's got a pretty hefty trust fund, and I think he sees her as a meal ticket, gett her pregnant and then he can live the life a luxury as a stay at home dad.

Friend 3 - Her bf is an illegal immigrant. Since he can't drive, she drives him everywhere. Even getting up at 3 am to pick him up from work. She pays all the bills, b/c everything is in her name, She's even paying for his immigaration laywer. And she announced last night, that he has to back to mexico for a year before returning to Canada. So she's going to follow him.

My bf, who's far from perfect sounds like a saint next to these guys...why smart gorgeus woman stay in realtionships with such loosers I just don't get it!?! I dread getting together with these girls b/c I all ever talk about is how difficult things are with their bf's. They say that they're not happy with the way things are, but then they do nothing to change things. I get frustrated with listening to the same old sh*t over and over from them. They say they are going to do this and that and never do... Any suggestions for an overwhelmed and frustrated friend?

I would say these girl friends have self esteem issues , believing they don't deserve better than these low lifes.

No offense to your friends, but they don't sound all that smart. I think love has the tendency to drop your IQ a good 30 points at times (Kidding actually, your friend hiding her birth control sounds very smart...)

Now, while the guys sound "quirky" to say the least, they don't sound particularly dangerous- you don't seem worried about their safety. As for the immigrant, I've known several couples who get stuck in American immigration laws (which are a total mess) and have gone to considerable lengths to stay together. He has a job, right? It sounds like he is making a concerted effort to do things the "right" way and I have to give him props for that.

I married a truly wonderful man, but I can look back in my dating history and and go, "what the crap was I thinking??". I think we all do. Sometimes we dodge the bullet and sometimes we don't. The guy I dated before my DH was a total "winner" and I once asked my best friend why didn't anyone say anything and her response? "Would you have really listend?"

And whose to say that deep down your friends aren't drawing benefits of their own in these relationships?

Junebug. You're right I'm not worried for their safety. I am a little perturbed by my friend having to hide her bc, but that's another story. I've dated some prizewinners too and you're right I wouldn't have listened. Though my friends occassionally helped see the light a little sooner... Thank god... I'd also say love drops your IQ a little more than 30 points at times!

The thing that gets me is all three of them talk about how unhappy they are. Or I hear, I'm so sick of having to do this, and having to pay for that, or he needs to stop hiding out a my house and face the roommate he owes rent too. When you keep telling me how unhappy and frustrating your relationhsip is, I'm going to assume that you're unhappy and frustrated in your relationship. Last night all three of them told me, that they wish they had a boyfriend like mine. One even said I don't know why we keep dating these loosers! I nearly coked on my rum and diet coke (gotta keep the calories down! :P)

Bargoo, all three of them have had parents who's marriages went the healthiest and I think they emulate that. I do know that at least one has talked about how insure she is about, her career choice, her looks etc.

Junebug, your last sentance got me think and I think you're right that their relationship sever a purpose... to create drama. All three have dated the "nice/good guy" but the relationship wasn't interesting enough and they soon got bored. Now they can work on 'fixing" their guys and have "fun" with all the drama.

I'll support them to the ends of the earth...but don't ask me to double date with any of them!

See, I've always crushed on nice guys (BF before DH excluded). I think they are so underrated! But yeah, some girls love the drama. I guess it would be the same concept of guys "loving the chase" (equally frustrating).

You could not pay me anough money to go on a double date with a guy who insisted that I call him Neo.

Then tell them to dump their boyfriends, and find new men like yours!!!!

I was going to but I was too busy choking on my drink. I ordered a double after that comment!

ugh, I can totally imagine this scene with dinner and the girlfriends.

But God knows I've dated losers too, so I totally can relate to both sides of the story here.

But one day I woke up and decided not to take any more cr@p from men, and decided I'd wait for a nice guy to be interested. And guess what? I met my now husband, who is the nicest, most wonderful guy ever.

But looking back at my history? Oh my. I have dated some real losers. And I think for me, it was due to poor self esteem and fear of being alone. Then, I really thought about how much better off I'd be if I was alone, and I went that route.

I'm now at an age (early thirties) where most of my girlfriends are either married or in serious relationships (with nice guys). I have one friend who is single, and I experience the same frustrations you experience with your girlfriends-- I kinda get sick of going over and over the same stories with her, but with different guys. Then I feel bad for saying that, because I know I was there at one point to. But eventually, I snapped out of it. I hope my friend does too-- as do yours.

But I totally understand your frustration....

Hey there! It really does sound like your friends are in "blind relationships". Ya know, the kind where you just don't see what's wrong, or rather, you see it be are too afraid to make the changes needed to be happy.

Before I was with my fiance I was in a terrible relationship. For 3 1/2 years. Terrible. My friends saw it, but they knew better than to express it to me, because at the time it would have just caused hurt feelings. I knew I wasn't happy, I knew the way things where weren't right. I kept thinking he'd change and be a better person. I kept thinking things would just work out. I was way too scared to break up with him. I was scared to be on my own, I was scared to start another relationship. He initally left me, and I wanted him to come back. Then as time passed I started to see things clearly. Within a couple weeks he was begging to come back, but then I wasn't sure. So we started hanging out a little bit. He still treated me the same, and that's when I realized I didn't care how hard it was he wasn't coming back in my life. And, it was hard, the hardest thing I ever did. But I did it. Now I couldn't be happier, I'm in a great healthy relationship and am so thankful for not taking the jerk back.

Sorry for the novel, I just think alot of times people do see what's going on, and they know it's not right, but it has to be them to realize they want to make a change. Hopefully, one day those girls will wake up and see that they deserve better and have the strength to make themselves truely happy. Until then there is nothing much you, as a good friend, can do other than listen and be there for them! It seems like you're doing a great job! Stepping up and saying something will only cause hurt feelings! Unless of course, they ask you for your honest opinion!

You seem like a great friend, this obviously bothers you and you want to see your friends happy. That is a great quailty

I think a lot of women do this. I did this too. I think it's partially a self esteem issue and partially a commitment issue.

For myself it was a commitment issue. I dated losers because I wasn't ready to really commit and get married. Once I was fed up with this and learned to be happy alone I met my husband. Well, actually I knew him, it was more I realized he was the right guy. He's wonderful and a keeper. I wish I'd wised up sooner.

[/QUOTE]You seem like a great friend, this obviously bothers you and you want to see your friends happy. That is a great quailty [/QUOTE]

Thanks! I'd do anything for my friends and I truely want them to be happy.

I never thought of it in those terms. All three of these girls talk about how they aren't ready to get married, and don't want all the responsiblity that goes along with marriage. One has even said "I don't think I could see myself marring the guy I'm with"

I'm so happy that you came to your senses and found a keeper! I want my friends to find awesome keepers too.

You ladies are all so smart! I love coming here for advice!