maybe i'm old fashioned by my understanding of old lady wedding etiquette (and I realize you youngsters do it differently now) is that the only guests CAN properly be spouses or fiance(e)s. casual dates at a wedding is not appropriate.
Yup.
I collect etiquette books. I'm also pretty heavily involved in the wedding industry, so I'm pretty au fait on wedding etiquette - both traditional and modern.
The thing is - I can totally understand that you're frustrated and stressed. But ... from what I've read in your post, other than not sending you an invite and not communicating with you directly, the bride has done nothing wrong.
It's appropriate for the bride and groom to decide where they're going to draw the line at invites. Weddings are expensive and the bride and groom have to have some kind of guideline as to who they're going to spend money on. At some point they have to say "this is a line" ... and the rules of etiquette do say that drawing the line at "casual dates" is appropriate. If you had a steady boyfriend or fiance and they wouldn't invite him, I'd say they were out of line. But quite honestly I don't think they should be obligated to allow you to bring a stranger to them to their wedding just because.
As far as the expense, that is simply one of the things that you have to take into consideration when being asked to be a bridesmaid and, if you think it will be a burden, you can refuse. But once you've committed, you really can't complain about the money you're spending unless it's totally unreasonable.
And unfortunately it's just a fact that the men will spend less on a wedding than the women. One of the benefits of being a guy.
I AM sorry that you're having stress about this. Weddings are stressful all the way around. But I think you should move past this, go to the wedding with a great attitude and have a wonderful time. You never know who you might meet who is also there w/out a date. I know a LOT of couples who have met at weddings ... you never ever know.
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Last edited by PhotoChick; 10-05-2008 at 10:05 PM.
Wow! This is a tough one! Because it's her day, I'd personally suck it up.. because lets say you fast forward 10 years and they are still together and you actually like her, and what she remembers of you on her wedding day is how you are resentful of the stuff you are having to deal with. Can you talk to your brother? I've very vocal with my brother on the subject of his girlfriends.
Tell them you can't afford to get your hair done, and that you'll do it yourself. Definitely stick up for yourself on this one!! No point in going into more debt for someone to do your hair. Just my opinion.
As for the outsider thing, I am totally the outsider in my bf's family. We've been together for almost 9 years, and I don't do dishes when we go to their house, I don't help clean up. I also don't feel entirely comfortable with them, and so my boyfriend compensates for this. I sure hope they aren't feeling this way about me.. although I do get the silent treatment from a few of his cousins. Anyways, I guess from my point of view? I am a guest in their house, and I do everything for them when they come to my house.. it's not like I'm trying to be rude, although I guess they could take it that way. It's really hard to work your way into a family, especially if you are shy.. which I definitely am.
maybe i'm old fashioned by my understanding of old lady wedding etiquette (and I realize you youngsters do it differently now) is that the only guests CAN properly be spouses or fiance(e)s. casual dates at a wedding is not appropriate.
It's an "all or nothing" rule. Either every single person who is unattached/dating casually can bring a date, or none of them can. Of course people in long term relationships/engaged/married must have their SO invited. My guest list isn't stretched to capacity so everyone gets a date at my wedding
My sister got married 2 weeks ago, and I understand where you are coming from 100%! My other sister and I were not allowed to bring dates to the wedding, either, and it caused nothing but arguments between all of us involved. (Same situation, even, with both of us being bridesmaids, as well)
In the end, my older sister brought a guest, I did not, the ceremony and reception were fine - I hung out with my cousins, and my now-married sister, in a fit of sympathy, invited my best friend (and her boyfriend!) so I would have someone not related to me to hang out with.
We did luck out, because we did not have to buy matching dresses or shoes, so I could go wherever I wanted for my outfit - Thank you TJ Maxx!
Just remember, it will be over soon. It will be over soon! It will be over soon! And then you'll just remember how lovely it all was, after. (at least that's how it was with my sister's wedding!)
She tells you you're going to die alone?!?! If someone talked to my family like that, it would be instant breakup. My fiancee is so good to my family, and that is part of why I love him so much. That's actually kind of a big deal to me, that she's disrespectful to you. And if she's been in the family for 8 years, she should be helping with cleaning, understanding of your needs etc..
I'm planning a wedding right now, and I'll tell you it is hard to keep everything straight. It's a lot of organizing, and though it's really a lot of fun, there's stress too. Money, wondering who you can count on with important tasks etc.., so I have some sympathy for brides in that situation. People forget it's just a day, and the important thing is the commitment, not the napkins being just the right shade or every outfit being absolutely perfect.
It's weird to me too that she would choose you as a bridesmaid if you're not close with her. Does she not have friends she could ask who would be more willing to put up with her issues? If she's going to include you, to me, she should really include you. That means talking to you, including you in decisions etc..
I don't envy your position, you're kind of in a crappy spot. But, in the end, you want to feel good about yourself and be good to your brother. If this does fall apart you don't want any resentment for bad behavior. So I would suggest that you stand up for yourself when it's stuff you absolutely can't afford or that's out of line. Maybe you could get your hair done, but do your own makeup? But overall I would just be polite and gracious and support your brother. After this wedding, then support your brother and his marriage but I don't think it's out of line to say "you're one of the family, why don't you help clean up this mess." Hopefully after the wedding she will calm it down. If she tells you you're going to die alone again though, just tell her "better than dying a b*tch!"
Ok, first of all, I remember my own wedding well. Please take into consideration that weddings can make normally wonderful people crazy. I didn't see it this way at the time, but I had my share of bridezilla moments. I tried really hard to take everyone's feelings, opinions, and budgets into consideration, but the stress was terrible.
So, cut the girl some slack. You have no idea what has gone on behind closed doors. You brother could be the reason you aren't allowed a guest. As, in, "no honey, she isn't dating anyone, she won't mind." Boys can be clueless like that at times (especially weddings.)
Hey, Photochick, I collect etiquette books too! It's true, she doesn't have to allow single guests to bring someone. Maybe the groomsman has a SO that is more significant then you realize?
The only thing she's done wrong, is she should have sent you an invite and she should have kept you in the loop. As far as the expense, well, it's expensive to be in a wedding party (it's always more expensive for the girls), so if you knew it was out of your budget you should've talked to your brother or parents in the beginning or declined being in the wedding party. That's just the nature of weddings.
Also, you should wear the jewelry she gives you. This is their day, not yours and it's traditional for her to buy your jewelry. You don't have to wear it again.
I'll admit from what you've said, she doesn't sound like the nicest gal, but if this is a mistake, it's your brothers to make. Try to be happy for him. Obviously he must love her or he wouldn't be marrying her.
hmmm... as a wedding photographer I've seen my share of BM's stress.
I feel for you and I think it is most telling that she is not having any girlfriends in her wedding- just the sisters. Does she have any girlfriends??? Good luck with her!
