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Old 09-22-2008, 04:57 PM   #16  
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ahhhh, the public forcefeeding ritual of the fat friend. I used to be the fat friend. Now I pretty much just have no friends. I had a skinny friend who would come out to eat with us as a big group of people, eat there bites of her dinner and while I'm still eating mine she'd push her plate at me and tell me she was done and I can have the rest of hers...like I want your dinner when I'm still working on mine. She just assumed that because I was fat that meant I would eat a lot. Truthfully, even at my fattest I didn't eat that much more then my skinny friends in volumn, I just made bad food choices and didn't work out.
So, what your saying is you think your skinny friends like to feed you to keep you the fat friend. I've felt like that before. Don't let them feed you. Just say no. Just get biotchy on them. I don't hang out with too many of my friends anymore mostly because of the same reasons. they are always eating, drinking and generally trying to get me to make bad choices. I value this reduced sized bum I've worked hard for and any skinny minnie who is going to try and devalue all the hard work or make me feel like my self impovement is unnecessary is going to either get deleted from my contact list or I'm going to go into very vivid detail of my caloric and excercise needs.
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Old 09-22-2008, 05:07 PM   #17  
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i'm the fat friend too! And I have two camps of friends - the ones who love being the hot skinny friends with me, and tell me I'm fine the way I am (as though it's ok that they're always attracting attention whereas I'm the INVISIBLE fat friend), and the ones who love being the hot skinny friends but tell me I need to lose weight and "just try harder to " shape up (as though I don't try!!!). They're both trying to be supportive, just in two different ways
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Old 09-22-2008, 05:17 PM   #18  
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Here's where you need a bit of self-esteem I'm sure you DO look nice, but for yourself want to lose the weight. Speaking as a former "thinnie" I would always get so uncomfortable when the "heavier" person in whatever group would discuss their weight. For some it seemed like putting a shield around themselves...a pre-emptive strike so to speak. I sooo did not care if someone was overweight, I did care if I were forced to deal with their issues about the matter. Perhaps you are setting yourself up to be rejected before you ever are, and then when people don't want to hear it and you feel them backing off, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy? Don't know, just a guess.

Yeah, I get that. I try not to bring it up unless I'm joking about something and my girlish figure. But it’s the same conversation every weekend starting on Friday (insert any one of my best friends)...

Friend: you want to go out, get something to eat?
me: no, I'm good.
Friend: did you already eat?
Me: yeah
Friend: will you be hungry later?
Me: probably
Friend: we can go out later
me: I'm broke
Friend: that's cool, I can pay.
me: no its good, I'll just fix me something to eat
Friend: like what?
me: a salad or something.
Friend: you want a salad? That's not even real food.

Eventually this turns into a conversation about me neglecting said friendship and how I don't ever want to come out anymore. Here is my amateur psych evaluation of the problem...for them, in the process of losing weight, I never go out...I pass on everything. So if I just eat regular, then I'll be social again. But I don't know.
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Old 09-22-2008, 05:19 PM   #19  
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At nearly 400 lbs, I was told I wasn't fat. It was a coworker and friend who I'd said something to about having a hard time finding nice career clothes when you're fat, and she blurted out "you're not fat."

On what planet is nearly 400 lbs, not fat? I couldn't help it, I started laughing so hard, I nearly peed my pants (the kind of laughing that you can't stop to save your life). My poor friend turned beet red, very embarassed, and snapped, "you know what I mean."

And sadly I did. Fat is such a horrible, terrible, even evil thing thing, that an intelligent, fun, outgoing, nice person couldn't be fat, she had to be something else (and as I've said many times, I'll slap anyone that says "fluffy," I am not fluffy, I am fat).

It isn't ok to talk about "fat" in this culture. At least not without using a lot of silly euphemisms. There are a lot of people who can't admit that f-a-t exists, it's almost seen as more scandalous to use as in "polite conversation" as the other "f" word. Unless you're obviously very skinny, then it is apparently not only acceptable, but even fashionable to call yourself fat.

I think that making it a big "taboo" makes it only harder to deal with. I prefer the word "fat" to most of the silly euphemisms, and wish it was easier to discuss, but that's not the society we live in. Instead of being a simple descriptor, like tall - it's such a "nasty word" that just the word is sufficient an insult. I dealth with insults pretty well as a kid, as I was of the "make fun of yourself, before anyone else has a chance to," so my retorts were mostly of the "yeah, so what" variety (though they worked pretty well, actually).

As I got older, the retorts became a little more sophisticated ("I'm fat? Geez when did that happen? - or Gosh did you figure that out all by yourself, Genius, or did you have help?)

When you talk about "being fat," there are going to be a lot of people who will out of habit, and what they've been taught is the appropriate response, are likely to respond "you're not fat," whether you're 5 lbs, or 500 lbs overweight.

It used to make me mad, but I'm pretty much resigned to it, at this point. People are often unable to be honest about certain subjects, because they've been taught it isn't polite to do so. What can you do?

Last edited by kaplods; 09-22-2008 at 05:21 PM.
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Old 09-22-2008, 05:24 PM   #20  
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i've been talkin about this similiar problem with my friend on another thread- I would like to just be able to say "You don't think I'm fat, huh? I bet you don't want to see me naked either!" but of course there's few people you could [I]actually[I] say that to without hurtful banter following.

I think people get content with their friends in their roles. Someone else talked about this on another thread, but you said that they consider you the fat friend. If you no longer are the fat friend, what are you going to be? Do you become competition for a role they'd rather not give up?
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Old 09-22-2008, 05:31 PM   #21  
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i've been talkin about this similiar problem with my friend on another thread- I would like to just be able to say "You don't think I'm fat, huh? I bet you don't want to see me naked either!" but of course there's few people you could [I]actually[I] say that to without hurtful banter following.

I think people get content with their friends in their roles. Someone else talked about this on another thread, but you said that they consider you the fat friend. If you no longer are the fat friend, what are you going to be? Do you become competition for a role they'd rather not give up?
I just want to be equal...we are like a sees candy assortment…something for everyone...one of my friend is 5'11 and model thin, the other is 5'7, thin with huge chest, the other one is 5'5 and the definition of thick and then there is me...currently the fat one, I want to be the small curvy one. When we go out, I always feel a little out of place, like I'm being compared to them. I get attention, but I feel like its consolation attention like, "We're drooling all over your friends, but you're cute too."
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Old 09-22-2008, 06:01 PM   #22  
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People always tell me how beautiful I am and what a pretty face, or eyes or lips or hair or whatever I have. BUt I just think in my head "Yeah except for the rest of me" I was joking around at work the other day and I got the"You're not fat" from one of my coworkers. I turned around and said "well you must be blind then". But we both just laughed. I think that mayb people think that Fat is just a terrible word that no one deserves but I don't think of it that way if you are using it in a non-derogatory manner. Like telling someone they are fat to be mean is different then making a statement that you yourself are fat and you are working on becoming something different. anyways that's my rant
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Old 09-22-2008, 06:04 PM   #23  
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I guess if I had the guts, then I'd say, "So, you wish you were my size? Can I tell how to get there?"
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Old 09-22-2008, 06:07 PM   #24  
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Originally Posted by caligirl98 View Post
Friend: you want to go out, get something to eat?
me: no, I'm good.
Friend: did you already eat?
Me: yeah
Friend: will you be hungry later?
Me: probably
Friend: we can go out later
me: I'm broke
Friend: that's cool, I can pay.
me: no its good, I'll just fix me something to eat
Friend: like what?
me: a salad or something.
Friend: you want a salad? That's not even real food.

Eventually this turns into a conversation about me neglecting said friendship and how I don't ever want to come out anymore. Here is my amateur psych evaluation of the problem...for them, in the process of losing weight, I never go out...I pass on everything. So if I just eat regular, then I'll be social again. But I don't know.
How about proposing an alternative activity, one not related to eating? Go for a walk, go to a play (community ones are cheap if not free, depending on where you live), rent a movie and stay home, etc. If you don't want to go out to eat and they do, then meet them afterwards!!! If they want to spend time with you, then they'll accomodate you!

Last edited by NuevaVida; 09-22-2008 at 06:08 PM.
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Old 09-22-2008, 06:25 PM   #25  
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Nueva: you're right! Why does every thing social we do have to revolve around about 3 restaurants and a bar?

BLCarter: growing up, I used to feel that if I didn't mention that I was fat, then no one would notice. I feel better now being able to say I'm fat. It’s like there is no power in that word to hurt me anymore. I prefer that over all those other terms they want to throw out there.

kaplods: LOL! why is it so ok for a skinny person to say their fat when it's sooo not true, but if I'm just being honest about myself, I'm putting myself down? That's so crazy. No one contradicts me when I say I'm short.;-)
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Old 09-22-2008, 06:35 PM   #26  
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How funny that this thread should come up right now! I JUST had something like this happen to me yesterday! It was even worse than being told that I'm "not that fat"--my friend actually said I was skinny. But not in a sincere, "Wow, you've lost weight, that's awesome" way, it was definitely just an awkward thing that she said to try to deflect something I'd said. She was talking about a cute guy she knows who really likes big women, and I said something stupid like "Wow! He sounds like just the right type for me! "

Side note: I'm definitely not the self-deprecating type, because as this thread has made very clear, referring to yourself as "fat" or making any kind of realistic comment about your own weight ALWAYS creates awkwardness. As kaplods said, it's just a defense mechanism for a person who wants to make sure that everyone knows that they know they're fat, before someone else gets a chance to point it out. I guess I'm slightly bothered by that kind of attitude, plus I don't want to look like I'm fishing for compliments, PLUS I feel like when you say something like that, the obvious response is "Okaaaay, so why aren't you doing anything about it?" Either way, you're just airing out your insecurities for the world to see, and personally I'm not the type to do that.

BUT when I made that remark to my friend, I was 100% just joking around--obviously it cannot be denied that I am a "big" woman, and if I hear about a cute guy who likes that type, ya better believe I'm going to be interested! Hehe. But instead of chuckling along with me, she froze and looked a bit uncomfortable and said something like "Shut up. You're--skinny." If it weren't for my attitude as expressed above, I probably would have cracked up and said "Are you blind?!" too, ha. But I was just like, "Oh, I was just joking, but thanks."

I know that I AM fat, and I'm working on it, but I guess I just don't feel the need to convince others of it, heh. But I think when a friend/family member tells you that you're "not fat," in their own way, they really mean it--they're saying that they don't associate you with the typical characteristics that the word "fat" connotes in our society (lazy, sloppy, no willpower, etc). That's a compliment for sure! And it's also a good thing to know that your friends don't just see your weight; they actually see you.
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Old 09-22-2008, 06:45 PM   #27  
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Thanks Star. I've had my share of awkward moments with my smaller friends...when my friend was pregnant; she was complaining and was like, "You just don't know what it's like to be fat!" I was like, "Really?" And my other friend had lost weight after she broke up with her boyfriend...he was always feeding her and she was like, "I guess he was trying to make me fat so no other guy would want me."

I personally always feel weird when I hear about a guy who likes big women...Probably because my friends always describe me as thick and like said earlier; there is a difference. I don't want some dude expecting a smaller girl because if he says something, I might go off, and it will not be lady like. ;-)
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Old 09-22-2008, 08:59 PM   #28  
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Thanks Star. I've had my share of awkward moments with my smaller friends...when my friend was pregnant; she was complaining and was like, "You just don't know what it's like to be fat!" I was like, "Really?" And my other friend had lost weight after she broke up with her boyfriend...he was always feeding her and she was like, "I guess he was trying to make me fat so no other guy would want me."
OMG! Not only is that an ignorant-sounding comment in the first place (yes, no guy would ever want a bigger woman... Just ask all of the married members we have on 3FC ), but also, how insensitive of her to say something like that to a person who is overweight! Of course you know she wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, but it shocks me the kind of things that people will say about fat people when they "forget" (or don't realize) that a fat person is around... I've never experienced anything as bad as those, but one thing that irritates me to no end is when my thinnie friends make stupid remarks about each others' habits--i.e. calling someone a "fatty" if they're eating something unhealthy, saying something snarky when a friend has gained a little weight, complaining about how "ugly" they are if/when they themselves gain, etc. I don't say anything about it, but just sit there awkwardly thinking "Hmm, then I wonder what they must think of me!" It's not as if I expect them to cater exclusively to me when choosing conversation topics, and of course I wouldn't want them to be like "Oooh, we can't talk about that in front of Meredith because she's fat and it'll hurt her feelings!" (LOL) but I guess it just bothers me that they truly don't realize how those comments come across to a fat person.
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Old 09-22-2008, 09:06 PM   #29  
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You should just say thank you and take it as a compliment. I mean, they may just be trying to be nice or they made be truthful. You know what you need to do to get to a healthy weight. Don't base your decisions off of others. If everyone listened to their loved ones, most would never lose weight. Your loved ones love you for who you are, not for what you look like.
Lose the weight because you want to, because you want to feel good and feel better about yourself, not because someone else is saying good or bad things to/about you.
Basically, screw everyone else and think about yourself! its ok to be greedy when it comes to your health!
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Old 09-23-2008, 02:00 AM   #30  
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its something i hate too....
i mean yer people have their opnions but sometimes u just dunt wana hear them....
especially when they are trying to stop your journeys falsely....
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