3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

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-   -   Do I let him in on this? (https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/20-somethings/152045-do-i-let-him.html)

kelli32 09-21-2008 11:27 PM

Do I let him in on this?
I'm just wondering if I should tell my boyfriend about this thread. He doesn't want me dieting because he thinks that I'm fine at my current weight, which he doesn't know what it actually is, and that I just need to exercise to stay healthy. My friend is also been on my back about not dieting. She called me the other day just to tell me that I eat healthy and am active enough I shouldn't be dieting. So do I tell them I'm getting the support I need to do this right because, well, they basically aren't?

Do your partners know? How and why did you decide to tell them? It wouldnt' have even been an issue but he's been asking what I'm doing on my computer a lot more than usual- and that when I have a free second I'm on here typing to "someone".

SeminoleGirl 09-21-2008 11:37 PM

Hi Kelli - just my two cents here:

It's great that he loves you as you are - BUT, it's equally - if not more - important that you feel great about yourself! I know it is that way for me, and most people I would imagine. That said, I'm sure you also want to be able to share whatever you are thinking/feeling with him. And, you should be able to do so, really. You may need to explain to him very clearly, and gently, that you love that he loves you as you are...but that you want to do this for yourself - to feel better and look as you want to look, etc. (I agree by the way, that you look great as is...but, I understand from experience that just because others think you are fine as is...that doesn't make us okay with it!)

As for your friend - I really expect girlfriends to be more understanding...I think it is strange that she is so adamant about your not needing to do this! Any idea why she should care or be less than understanding? I guess I'm skeptical about her motivation, here....not to be negative towards her at all...still...:?:

Anyway, just my thoughts - I think the most important thing is that you be happy with your own goals and that you not let ANYONE dissuade you. In the end, you may resent them for keeping you from achieving your own desires. That wouldn't be good for either of you...

Good luck to you!!!!!!


Kofarq 09-21-2008 11:40 PM

My Hubs knows. He knew I was wanting to lose weight for our wedding, and he saw 3fc advertized somewhere, and wrote it down for me. I've loved it ever since. The problem now is he thinks I've lost enough weight, and I want to lose 10 more lbs. So now I tell him I'm in maintenance, and the exercise rooms.

Tell your BF and friends you're just in here learning about exercise and healthy recipes. Then they won't be as tempted to talk you out of it. Lots of people have problems with sabotagers.

If he keeps asking you why you're on the internet, just tell him you're surfing or playing or whatever, just be general.

SeminoleGirl 09-21-2008 11:46 PM

I realized that I didn't answer, my husband does know and is totally supportive. Though he doesn't care if I lose or not, and loves me even when I think I look my very worst!

His support makes it SO much easier - which is why I hope your boyfriend will come around for you! ;)

zenor77 09-22-2008 12:36 AM

I would tell him. Primarily because your post gives the impression that he's concerned about you talking to "someone" online (as in another guy.)

Just let him know that, although you value his opinion, you want to lose weight for you. Why not explain to him that you are doing it in a healthy way? Your goal weight is by no means unrealistic. It seems like a perfectly healthy weight to me. It's not like you are trying to starve yourself down to an obviously too low weight. Maybe this is his concern.

My Dh was understanding. He stressed that I didn't need to do it for him, but he was supportive. Consequently, he lost with me and wants to lose more.

Aside from DH I found most people to be unsupportive. Especially my co-workers. I think that when you are successful at weight loss it makes some people feel defensive (if they want to lose a few as well.) The guy I shared an office with was ALWAYS offering me food. It was maddening.

You need to do this for you, but I think you should be honest with your BF. Honesty is usually the best route.

how piquant 09-22-2008 12:41 AM

I'd tell him, if you can anticipate his support. I understand it's intimidating to let others know when you are dieting... largely because the word "diet" sends red flags in and of itself. You could say you're partaking in a healthy lifestyle change, with the goal of weight loss in mind... so you can be happier with yourself! And when you're comfortable in your skin, he will be sure to reap the rewards. :)

I always told my ex when I was "dieting"... and subsequently when I stopped dieting... and again when I started another diet... yeah, he got kind of tired of that and eventually never believed me and dismissed my motivations. Just make sure you keep the promises that you make yourself, so you don't let yourself down!

mamaspank 09-22-2008 01:18 AM

I am wondering what they are so concerned about. I agree with Seminole girl about your friend, why so adamant? I didn't have anybody say boo when I first started dieting. I think maybe they thought I was just blowing smoke up their butts. After I lost 40 pounds this summer, now everybody has an opinion. I have been told I look great, too skinny, not to get too carried away, and people just be plain accusatory that I have some sort of an eating disorder because I mention I would love to have the fettucine alfredo, but go with soup and salad instead because I have stuck with it this long and feel great.

I think people have very different motives for being concerned. Maybe their concern is one of "you are beautiful just they way you are, don't change." That's great if it is. I feel, however, that if I am the one crying over clothes not fitting and I am sick of looking at myself naked, then I am going to make the decisions that have to do with my body. Now this is just me. I had really low self-esteem after I had my baby, maybe a touch of post-partum, and just trying to get used to being a stay-at-home mom and not eating the plastic wrapper my candy bar came in.

My boyfriend is totally supportive. He never said anything about me needing to lose weight in the first place. For me, losing weight didn't just affect my body. It had a huge impact on my personality. I feel like I am me again. I am not avoiding friends, parties, or shopping anymore.

I also think you should tell your boyfriend because he is probably starting to get pretty suspicious of all your typing activity and he might feel better if he knew.

kelli32 09-22-2008 01:41 AM

As far as the bf goes he'd be supportive, he'd just think it was silly. He'd just wonder why I am spending so much time focusing on "eating healthy". When we started dating we were both athletes in college and both in pretty good shape, well he was in great shape. Now he plays arena football and still is and I.. walk the dog? He's said before looks don't matter to him so maybe thats why he hasn't noticed I've gained some weight. The important thing is I've noticed and I want it to change! I think if he knows I'm dieting he has to admit that his girlfriend may need to lose some weight. Not a bad thing to me, but I could see him being a little :S

As for my friend.. aww I love her but she's something else. She had some stomach issues and went from a size 14 to a 4 in about 8-10 months. She's got it under control now and right back where she was if not a little heavier. She's always been a little bigger than me but consistently weights 20 pounds less (except during her little stint of illness) and last time we were together she said something about weighing more than me. I don't think she wants me to lose weight because she doesn't want to make the effort to do the same. Like I'll be leaving her behind. I love that girl -we've been friends for years and thats the only reason I could ever think she'd ever act this way.

I'll probably just tell my bf that I need to get healthy and this is where I'm learning how. I did make some tuna melts today that he loved I'll just say I got it off this website! I'll work it out, its just irritating that two people I love are not behind my decision. Thanks everyone for your posts they were all very helpful :D

sh3l5 09-22-2008 02:05 AM

my bf knows im trying to lose weight....
but he doesnt know how much i weigh now or how much i even want to weigh....
he would go mad at me if he did know...
he thought i was perfect at my 200+lb weight....

Blcarter84 09-22-2008 03:15 AM

My bf knows now but he always gives me grief about it...but is much more supportive now then ever. He always asks what I am doing also. He loves me as I am and I just now told him how much I weigh now and he said that I don't look any different...but he wants me to feel good. There have been studies done that show that the main people that hurt people's accomplishments such as weight loss are the poeple closest to them because they think are being supportive when really they are bringing you down.

e32 09-22-2008 04:15 AM

hi again kelli,

i know it can be hard when the people closest to you aren't cheering you on the way you hoped they would.

when i started this weight loss journey, some of my friends were very concerned (some in supportive ways, some not). they were just trying to protect me because i've struggled with my eating habits in the past. i've reassured them that this time i'm going to get to a healthy weight a healthy way. it may be that your friend and boyfriend are feeling protective of you and want you to feel that you're great just the way you are right now. :)

this can be good but also frustrating i know...

if your boyfriend doesn't think you need to lose weight, it would be easy enough to say you've committed to a healthier lifestyle (like you mentioned in your second post)...something like that. i'm lucky to have a very supportive boyfriend when it comes to me being healthy, but like your bf, i haven't told him about 3fc because he'd probably also think it was silly. i have told him that i've found some great advice, motivation and correspondence on the internet...

as far as your friend goes, obviously i don't know her and i can't know for sure, but i think your prediction is right--she doesn't want to be left behind and is getting a little preemptively jealous of your fitter future. even if she doesn't want to join you in your dieting or in all your workouts, maybe see if there are things she would like to do--take a hike on a saturday, go for a bike ride to see a movie instead of driving...something like that? if she's afraid of being left behind, see if you can take her with you :)

i was glad to come across this post of yours, hopefully we can get to know each other better over time. :)

i wish you the best of luck and let us know how it goes as time goes on...


p.s. feel free to pm (private message) me anytime!

Sidheag 09-22-2008 06:58 AM

My bf tells me every day that I am gorgeous, that he loves me, and that I don't need to lose weight to be beautiful and sexy. And to some extent...he's right. I AM beautiful and sexy (as are all of you my dear girls). However, at my current weight I'm really not healthy. I've explained to him that it is not about fitting a Hollywood image or anything like that, it is making sure that I am alive long enough to spend my life with him. That concept really got to him because now he is on the healthy lifestyle bandwagon :P He knows about 3FC and he thinks that it is cute, which is good since I am constantly referring to it. :P
Also, I've found that everyone gets up at arms at the word "diet". There are so many negative connotations with that word and because I got sick of people telling me that I didn't need to I stopped using it. I, taking my cue from you lovely ladies, refer to it as my healthy way of life. People tend to be more comfortable with that, rather than with the concept of "dieting" which has connotations of willful starvation.
Like so many others have said, I don't know your friend, but it does sound like she is perhaps...nervous about your potential success. I'm not suggesting anything mean-spirited but it is human nature to worry about where one fits in in a group. The sexy one, the smart one, the funny one, etc. We all do it and she's probably unconsciously afraid of what your potential success will do to her "role".
:hug: either way, nothing should change how proud you are of yourself and the work that you are doing to improve your overall health. Keep it up!

All the love,

Lovely 09-22-2008 08:15 AM

It's great that your bf & your friend think you're fine just the way you are. It's wonderful to have people who like you for you. But, you're doing this for one person, yourself.

Eating healthier & exercising more are not only for people specifically dieting. I bet doctors around the world would rejoice if everyone did it... even to a small degree.

Were I you, I'd definitely talk to the bf about eating healthier, because it's something you want. As for the friend... well if you want to bring it up and just, again, mention it's something you want. However, sometimes certain people just cannot support us through everything. Not their fault, not our fault. They just cannot do it. So we don't talk to them about it.

i am still trying 09-22-2008 09:05 AM

I think it's all been said. It's awesome that your bf is so supportive of YOU. My DH knows about 3FC, he sees me on it every once in a while BUT he never reads my posts or other posts. I feel like I am super open about some things here that he really doesn't need to know. I'm not hiding my feelings from him or anything but I think that I like keeping my 3FC 'clucking' to myself, and all of you of course :).

kelli32 09-22-2008 12:40 PM

I thought about it last night quite a bit and I think I do want to talk to him about it. The Good Lord Himself knows that my bf could stand to eat healthier, even though he's a very healthy weight (we know because when I was calculating my BMI/BMR/wait to hip ratio the other night I did his too) he's doesn't eat healthy food, and even though I'm considered overweight, I am probably healthier than him. I read an article last night in Glamour that over half of women that were at a "normal body weight" had over 30% body fat. I was relieved that people are finally starting to accept healthy as more than just skinny!

My friend used to go to school here with me and used to be my semi-committed workout partner. Now she's doing grad school about 4 hours away so we can't get together as much. Her and I are completely opposite, I'm very logical and she's VERY emotional. Thats what I'm struggling with when it comes to talking to her about my "dieting" because I'm afraid I'll say something that makes sense to me but could be hurtful to her..

Your thoughts and replies are really giving me some ideas and I'm feeling a lot better about bringing it up to my bf. I may just have to start the convo with "So don't laugh at me but.." so he knows I'm serious. I'm hardly ever serious so sometimes I have to point that out haha.

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