Ok, so on Friday I had a girls night out planned with my new group of girl friends. In perperation, I went out and bought two new shirts, a new pair of shoes, and pulled out the size 10 pants I haven't tried on in over a month (at which point neither pair fit). Well, Friday I pulled on both pairs of size 10 pants and they fit me comfortably! No muffin top, ability to sit, etc. haha. So I wore one of my new shirts to class and my new shoes and all my friends were so complimentary. I dunno, I just felt so good about myself for like 5 hours.
So then I go to the gym, go home and get dressed and go to my friends house as we agreed. And let me just preface this by saying outright that I am still the fat friend. I don't know how I managed it, but all of my friends here are around a size zero. Several of them are just tiny-like 5 foot and 90 lbs or whatever. And exotic looking (think russian, indian, etc.). So basically once we went out my self-confidence took a HUGE bruising. I mean seriously, not one guy gave me the time of day. It's not that I need a guy to tell me I look good to feel good about myself, but it just stinks when you're with a group of girls who are all way thinner than you and there are guys falling all over them and you're sitting there feeling fat and ugly. I dunno. It just made me really sad.
My friends keep telling me that I've lost so much weight, I should be so proud, etc. But in all honesty, i was at this weight freshman year of college-and I was miserable at it. I am still overweight at this size/weight. And yet I was/am happy to be back at it? Not so much. It just makes me feel horrible that I ever let myself get so big to begin with. Is that understandable? Like the fact that I've lost almost 40lbs and I'm right back where I started doesn't make me happy-it just makes me sad.
And to top it all off, I was just looking through my food journal where I write down my weekly wieght-and it's taken me a full month to lose like 3 lbs. Why? Bc I keep cheating so I can "fit in" with everyone else. Pathetic.