Now before I type this and it is read ...hopefully I would like to make a few things clear this is not for self pity or because I want attention or sympathy, however what I do want is some advice and critique where necessary.
Basically I am wondering how people make friends, sounds like a bit of a stupid question but to some people it seems to come naturally and I must be lacking that part of my gene. I have had friend's in the past but every single one of them drifted away and got on with there own lives and in all honesty I rember some of them not being very nice to me and joining in with some of the bullying problems i had at school , maybe leading to my inability to trust people and friendships.
Now days I have not one friend , not even online I have about five people on my msn and two of those addresses are my own. I do not have any social networking things because I have no one to network to. My life includes my room and looking after my mum and soon to be studying hard.
What i feel i need to work on maybe is the fact i seem so hateful and depressed , I do not intentianlly try to portray myself this way but I find that I can not help it. However it is not the real me , the real me is yearning to be friends with people to go out and feel like a normal person and not just sit at my computer wishing it was night so i had an exscuse to go to bed. The real me is someone who is constantly worrying about everything and constantly has to check and rethink what i am going to say as I am scared that others might judge me so I don't bother and just don't talk , so people percive this as rude and that I am unapprochable when in fact I am just scared of people, scared of people judging me and scared that they don't really want me around and talking to them.
I know I am not the only person in the world who has this problem and I know there are people out there with far worse problems than myself but no matter what i can not seem to drag myself out of this lonely hole.
Anyway this was more of a rant of feeling's than anything ealse and maybe hoping there is someone on this board in the same boat who would like to talk .
Anyway any advice on how to make friends would be most helpful as i am at a loss. I find at the moment my life is pointless and I really would like to gain something that would make me feel like a slightly more average person ...not necessarly normal but someone who maybe has one good friend that is there for me when i need them and wants to share a tub of ice cream and watch movies. Sounds silly I know just eh....sorry for the rant
Perhaps it may be of benefit to see a counselor? It sounds as though you may be suffering from depression and thats a hard cycle to break on your own sometimes.
I don't say that to be unfeeling of negative of your plight because I suffered from mild social phobia when I started University and was terrified of meeting people because I thought they were constantly judging me, thinking I wasn't good enough, thinking there was something wrong with me or that I was to "aloof"
Turns out the issues I had stemmed with ME first and it wasn't until i learned to accept and love myself and be comfortable with myself that I started to be more confident and in turn have people actually start to spend more time with me.
I was always horribly shy all through my childhood, school, highschool etc with real self esteem issues.
I only have a small circle of friends and that doesn't bother me - but it does take an effort to maintain a friendship. You really have to work at it lol. They're a two-way street in that you have to give yourself to them as much as they open up to you.
Presumably you will be going to school (hence the study hard part) and you will likely make friends there. You can also join a club, people with similar interests.
Work on yourself first, make you a better you. Learn to love yourself, because if you don't no one else will. Stop this self depreciation talk/ belief.
Stop worrying about what other people think, because they are all to focused on their own troubles to worry about thinks you might think you have offended them with.
I don't think you sound silly at all. In high school I had 4 friends becuase we were all in band. As soon as we graduated we all went our different ways, and thank goodness for that becuase I never realized how fake we were to each other. I moved to a new city where I didnt know anyone 4 years ago and so far I only have 3 maybe 4 friends, but we all rarely get to see each other. Two I met at two places I used to work, one I met on myspace, and the last I met on World of Warcraft. I wish I had more friends to go out and have fun with, and I thought my antidepressant would help with that but it didn't. Then again, I would have more temptation to go out and drink and go out for dinner. hehe. I'm getting to where I am ok just talking to people through Myspace and WoW. At least I don't have to worry about them judging me.
I don't guess I really helped with suggestions on where to make friends, but hopefully I showed that we relate in some way on the issue.
My sister has always been very shy. She has to know someone pretty well before she can relax and have fun, so it's hard for her to make friends.
I don't know if this will help you at all, but what really helped my sister was a bunch of things that happened close together, so I'll tell the whole story (since I don't know what made the difference and helped her break out of her shell). She joined her (Catholic) church's Christian singles' group. And she went on a "pilgrimage" vacation in Europe with her church group (only a couple other people from her group were going, so she didn't know most of the people in the group, but neither did anyone else). They toured historical churches and cathedrals. A few weeks before her trip, she started having panic attacks (eventually it was traced back to one of her allergy medications), so she went to see a counselor for several weeks before her trip. She thought it was fear of flying, and the counselor gave her an anti-anxiety med to take during her trip. She had a great time on her trip, and she's had a lot easier time making friends and has been much more outgoing ever since (not that she's suddenly a Jekyll and Hyde transformation into a social butterfly, she's still her own reserved self in new situations, she's just willing to take a few more risks, introduce herself, talk to people...)
I don't know which was the magical component (or if they all worked together), but joining clubs, speaking with the counselor, the anxiety meds, traveling on her own... but I think what all the things have in common is that they all in some way contributed to boosted her confidence or gave her experience in social situations.
I don't think you've got to go to Europe, but clubs and groups could be a great place to start, and counseling wouldn't hurt either. Especially since (I've got my masters' degree in psych) that counseling is very effective in reducing social anxiety and in building social skills. You want a cognitive behavioral psychologist, though not an "analytical" psychologist (in my opinion), some one who helps you gain confidence and social skills, not one who spends too much time wanting to "get to the root of your problem."
I'm not saying that a little "why do I feel this way," is a bad route to go, but I think what you're needing most (and this may just be my bias having had a cognitive behavioral focus in my schooling) is practical advice not psychoanalysis.
I met all of my friends in choir. I'm going to college, and I joined the choir and I made a bunch of friends there, and a few really good friends that I hope to hold on to.
Take a class through community Ed,
try myspace or facebook,
Take a class at the gym,
get a job where you work with a smaller sized crew, maybe 20, 25 people. You really get to know each other. I've worked at coldstone for years now, and we're all really close and good friends outside of work.
Don't ever turn anything down!
I'm working on making friends as well... I found the friends I had before and I have really grown apart, and I've recently moved across the country. When I was younger making friends was easy; lately I feel like I "don't know how." Unfortunately I don't think there's a formula.
The biggest thing I am doing now is really pushing myself to go out and become involved in places where I could potentially make friends. (My antidepressant/anti-anxiety prescription helps with this. I also find that a bit of excess caffeine makes me a generally happier and easier to approach person).
I didn't know a SOUL when I started school and being in the band programs- including marching band- saved my social life and prevented what could have been a nasty bout of homesickness and lonliness. While I only made a couple of *actual* friends, I had a built-in social group that I was a member of and that helped tremendously. It was also something that constructively occuied my time, so I didn't have a lot of time to sit idle missing home.
The great thing about college is that there are sooooo many groups to try that even if you don't like it, finding something else is no big deal. And you can meet people under the guise of an activity, which beats cold approaching people. Now THAT stresses me out.
I can't advise you, unfortunately. I have friends and sometimes I wish I could get rid of them! Heh. Jk. Someone suggested counseling, that could be an option.
Just wanted to say that, I am across the pond but if you need an online friend, I would like to apply for the job. It would be so cool to have a british pal. I had a few in my senior year in high school because of the exchange students, and I haven't talked with them in about 2 years, and I miss them.
Oh yeah, the poster who suggested myspace and facebook had a good idea.
You could make a page, if you don't have one already, and find people who live in your area to hang out with. I'm also still available for position of netfriend.
perhaps even doing some volunteer group work might be an idea? Im not sure what you would do, but im sure there are positions out there that would enable you to meet people
I used to be painfully shy around people I didn't know well and to this day, I don't have many many friends. I have a few (let's say 5-8) VERY close friends, but no big social network beyond that. I'm FRIENDLY with lots of people, but for me, there has always been a line betweeb being friendly with someone I know at school or something and being friends with them; I make a distinction there and very few people get to cross that line.
I am much less shy that I was but I'm not sure exactly how I broke out of my shell... I think part of it was getting a little older and maturing a bit, becoming less self-conscious. I'm not "on in years" by any means (I'm 24) but there is a big difference between, say 18-19 years old and mid-20's (lots of times, and in my case). People also relate to you differently when you're an "adult" (HA!) and I think part of my becoming less shy just happened naturally as a result of being out of the pressure of adolescence. Does that make any sense?
The best advice I can give you is to not seek out a bunch of friends, or a big social network, but to work on cultivating a few good friendships, who will in turn help you meet new people. I agree that clubs and groups based around common interest would be a good place to start. But also, don't be afraid to say hi to people in your classes, to start conversations, etc. I say MOSt of my closest friends and I share very few common interests, but are united by our senses of humor more than anything else.
So, when school starts, make it a point of initiating one conversation a day -- with a classmate, in the library, in the computer lab, wherever (so long as it's appropriate, of course lol). it doesn't have to be anything too heavy, just say hi to start.
My problem was I was always the one "fixing" people. I always helped people, always gave, always loved and then when I couldn't help them anymore or I happened to be in-between jobs - and money was tight I was alone.
Then when my mom died and I really needed people there were 2. My boyfriend and my dad. Not even my best friend was there for me - not even to go out to lunch with or go shopping.
I am always nice to people and I also now that right now I have a lot of self improvements to make if I am going to open myself to up to make healthy, happy, lasting relationships.
I also agree with KLK a few good friends is the best way to go.
i have very few close friends now....
probably about 2 other than my boyfriend....
this doesnt bother me too much as if i need someone there is someone there....
id say the same as the others....
join a forum and get chatting (met majority of my current friends on a car forum)....
join a class....
just have fun and the friendships will come flowing....
You said you're going to be studying hard soon, are you going to uni?
Because thats really the best place in the world to make friends! im in my final year now, and my 2 best friends were made there in first year, and my 3 really great friends in second year. i made no special effort to talk to new people (im incredibly shy and tend to look agressive when im walkin around alone) but the conversations just happened! in one case i lent a girl a history book that she needed and we became great friends from there!
one piece of advice i would give though, is not to isolate yourself when youre in a group (before class, etc) as in dont take a book out, dont be listening to music as it seems very standoffish even if you dont mean to be.
but the main thing is not to try too hard or try to change yourself, friendships happen naturally
Advice on friends
Someone suggested counseling, that could be an option.
