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Old 06-17-2008, 12:18 AM   #1  
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Default All my screwed up family issues and how it affects me and my dieting...

My mother is overweight and so am I. My younger sister is a lot shorter and smaller and my mother CONSTANTLY goes on about how "tiny" and "itty bitty" and "little" my sister is. It really puts the pressure on, makes me feel like if I don't shed the weight, I'm not good enough. And my dad once checked my sister out on the beach... he didn't know it was her btw (at least I hope not, umm..) and she brags about that! Pretty sick. My brother has also openly admitted that he checked her @ss out before realizing it was her. Gross.

My dad has certainly never mistook me for some hot beach babe before, lol. Nor has my brother. I know my dad values physically fit people and sometimes I feel like he secretly favors her for it. He asked her and my brother to meet his new Gf and didn't include me. A few weeks later, he asked me. Still haven't met her. I was offended when I later found out how he asked my sister first. I asked him why, and he said he knows how we are not getting along right now and didn't want to deal with fights. I said, 'what makes you think that I am the only one who starts fights??" He just made some stupid excuse or another. Skinny people are always valued over bigger ones, I feel. He chose to ask her first, over me. As if he wanted to show off his perfect-bodied daughter to his new gf first. This hurts and makes my self-esteem even lower than it is. The thing is, I don't believe that she is more attractive just because she's thin!! Her face is odd and I have always been told that I am beautiful. She's been called pretty and cute... but basically because of her small size. If she were my size, I don't think anyone would say a thing.

I know the above (about my dad and bro checking her out) sounds totally sick and I agree. But it did happen, like it or not, and in a way I'm envious. I don't want to be my sister and I love the height and the looks I have over her, but feel like until I'm a perfect size, my family doesn't value me as much.

My mother lumps me in with her and talks about us being big. Though, after pregnancy I lost over 40lbs and when I was all dressed up in a cute top, she told me how good I looked (although definitely not skinny or thin or anything.) That felt good, but she still goes on about how 'little' my sister is. She acts like I'm her fat comrade, and her and I should be jealous of how 'tiny' my sister is. She thinks that she's just being honest, but she doesn't realize what a bad message she's sending me.

Some people want to stay the same weight to spite their family, I am the opposite, I want to lose weight to spite my family. At the same time, I feel very defensive of my weight. I am tall and carry my weight well, so I come off as big boned rather than fat. But I'm sick of being called the big boned one. I feel defensive and have often told my mom, dad, and bro that I don't feel like my weight makes me any less attractive than my smaller sister, but they don't really say anything. So either they don't want to take sides, or they don't want to tell me that they do feel my sister is more attractive.

I know my mom thinks that I am more attractive because my mom is vain, claims she is the most beautiful woman in the family, and tells me that I look just like her while my sis looks just like my father. (Which my mother says with scorn because she hates my dad- they are divorced.) But I know she thinks my sister's body is way better than mine and I hate that people feel they have to be 'itty bitty teeny tiny' to be attractive or 'hot.'

I know my dad thinks my sister is more attractive. Him checking her out on the beach says it all. And he is very fit and is into fit women. My mother was thin when they were together but now that she is overweight, my dad never fails to make jabs at her when he's around me. He goes on about her looks and how it's all she's ever had, and now they're fading, and she's overweight, and blah blah.

It really sends me a really bad message, and he doesn't realize that. In the meantime, it sends my sister the message that she's superior to me and she gets the unhealthy idea that she should be valued for her size as opposed to anything else. She's smug, self-absorbed, egotistical, and competitive. When I got pregnant, (she had already had 2 kids... by age 18) she started going on about how I needed to be careful, since I was overweight and I could have health problems. She tried to disguise it as concern, when it was blatantly obvious that she was just being nasty. It's how she is. I know sisters usually have concern for eachother, but her only concern for me has been that I don't ever beat her in anything. She definitely wanted to insult me, not help me. How rude. She wasn't happy that I was pregnant because it takes the attention from her and her kids. When my son was born, she tried to get my mother to get her son's name tattoed on her saying, "well he is the first born grandson." How competitive and ridiculous can you get?

So, although my sister is thin and tries to lord this over me, I think there's something about me that she is envious of. Why else does she need to compete about everything? She may be thin and dresses like a hooker, but has never gotten the attention of my boyfriend, which pisses her off royally to no end.

It's stuff like this that drives me, motivates me, to keep up with my weight-loss journey.

But all of that stuff really screws me up in the head and makes me question my self worth. Anyone have any advice?

I often have sleep troubles because I lay awake and think of all of this sort of stuff over and over again. I know I have bad anxiety and that I need help. But I'm scared the anxiety meds will make me gain even more weight.

Last edited by Fat Melanie; 06-17-2008 at 12:21 AM.
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Old 06-17-2008, 01:30 AM   #2  
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Gosh, honey, I almost don't even know what to say. The only advice I can give is not to let them hinder your goal. You do this for you! Don't do it for the wrong reasons. I'm sure you're a beautiful girl regardless of your weight. That is probably why they are so vindictive toward you. Take their snide remarks as motivation. Push forward and meet your goal because that is the one thing they will never expect ya know? Don't let them make you question your self worth. I can tell just by this post you're a wonderful person. And you're worth more than they could ever imagine... family should NEVER treat you that way. However, if the anxiety is getting to you and you don't want to take meds just try talking to someone. Never hurts to talk to a therapist. They're a great biased person to talk to, I've had to talk to one in the past and it helped tons! I wish you all the luck in the world. I know how hard it is!

Last edited by TehPatty; 06-17-2008 at 01:33 AM.
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Old 06-17-2008, 05:42 AM   #3  
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I have a lot of drama in my family too, but it involves drugs and alcohol (we look like this perfect religious family on the outside, but filled with a cocaine user and alcoholics - this is my extended family, my brother I rarely see, and then my mother who is not in my life)... the drama is terrible, and I refuse to be a part of it.

One thing you need to do, is realize - THAT is who they are. You don't get to pick your family. It's very hard to change people. You know if you talk to your family members about how you feel, will it change their behavior? Only you know. I know that my certain family members would lie to my face, tell me everything is ok, and continue on with the same actions. Once you accept it, when that stuff happens, it's easier to brush it off, because it's expected of them now. Now you need to rise above their behavior and not let it bring you down.

Make your healthy living and weight loss for YOU. Sure it'll be extremely satisfying when you hit your goal weight for your family members to see you, but make sure you constantly remind yourself it's for YOU. Don't let them stop you from reaching your goals.

If you continue to feel a lot of anger, I'd go see a therapist. You need to take care of yourself first. Your family certainly doesn't seem to care if youre hurt by them, so holding onto the feelings only hurts yourself, and not them.

Hopefully you can be to the point where you shrug off their hurtful actions. Don't even let it bother you at all. Because that's the way they are, and they won't change. Waiting for them to realize what they do will only hurt you in the end. That mentality will also keep the peace, and allow your kids (or just one?) to see their cousins and grandparents without tension, and will prevent you from cutting someone off because the hurtful actions got to you so much.

You can do it!
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