Flirting/Guy Issues/ADVICE
 

Ok, as a newly-ish thinner girl, (24, eeps!), I neeed help!! I had been fat my whole life and now I am slowly but surely navigating the waters of being of a "normal" size. I am literally half the woman I used to be and life is surely um, strange. It is more a a life-changer at times than you would realize. But, that's for another post.

To the point(-ish, wow this post is long!): One of the issues I have been "learning" is flirting/male attention. I had always been the "fat girl" (and I really just didn't make an effort with my appearance then bc I was so down about the "fat" thing) who had friends, but would never go to bars, etc. to hang out. Now I have friends who never knew me fat and don't know that I was fat and they ask me to hang out with them and go to bars and the like. Well, I have no idea what "league" I'm in or what kind of guy would be interested in me because none were before :?: (or if they seemed like it I thought they were mocking me) so last week when this cute, "cool" smart guy came up to me (me?!) to talk I was so like confused. And he was full on flirting like touching my arm, hand, etc., laughing at my jokes and making his own jokes and we talked for like 3hrs. he even asked me "home" with him after the bar closed (but then a bunch of us friends came bc these were friends of friends, not completely random guys!) and I did and then there he was talking solely to me and he was getting closer and closer and then... my DD ride said it was time to go, she was too tired and didn't want to be there anymore. So I kinda left abruptly. But, he didn't ask for my number or anything so maybe he wasn't that interested? And since then I have been double guessing myself like, "he was only talking to you because you were a friend of a friend and probably there was no one better" or "he was only talking to you because he thought be might be able to get you to spend the night" "If he saw you again he probably wouldn't want to hang out with you again" "He didn't even ask for your number, so obviously he doesn't like you that much."
I also have to mention that my first foray into this land of flirting I actually was the one who tried to befriend this other guy B and he was totally being really distant, and eventually the acquaintanceship/friendship kind of ended leaving me feeling humiliated and rejected. So, I was like, well, if he doesn't like me.... maybe I'm not that pretty etc. In reality that guy B was SO not for me, and I realized it, I was just really physically attracted and that has waned now anyway.
So, since that my confindence has gone a lil bit down.

Oh wow! Did you just read that all?? You get a freaking gold star in my book!!! Thanks for putting up with me and my crap so to speak! :) I just need to vent sometimes and my friends just can't understand....

So, I guess maybe what I need is advice on flirting, "understanding" (in the most general sense, bc who knows really) guys and confidence. Will you chicas be my agony aunts? Please! :)

I didn't date when I was bigger AT ALL and only had my first date/boyfriend when I was 23. So I've only been at it for 2 or so years, but I learned something -- don't read too much into guys. They're pretty simple creatures. If he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't have come up to you. So it's a fact he found you attractive. It doesn't matter his reasons behind it (it probably was sex, or he wouldn't have invited you back to his place). Guys usually aren't looking for soul mates in bars. And many of the girls on here are going to tell you that guys are attracted to confidence. So don't lose any over one unsavory experience. And don't try too hard. I just be myself on every date I go on, and if they like the real me, then good, and if they don't, well it's their loss! :) The only flirting "technique" I use is playing with my hair when I'm on a date -- I think guys like that. I guess what I'm saying, is don't think about flirting too much. It comes pretty easily between two people who are attracted to each other. Breathe, Charlotte, breathe :)

Hey Charlotte,
I know exactly where you are coming from. Your body is half the size it used to be but your mind refuses to accept it. It is wildly confusing and intoxicating at the same time. I don't know you from anyone and maybe you are better adjusted that I was/am but I sought out counseling/therapy to deal with the emotional and self-esteem issues related to growing up grossly obese and then being an "acceptable" size.
Just know your worth and don't sell yourself out. Lots of guys aren't worth your time and it takes a while to get used to the attention before you can weed out the losers. If you want to PM message me, I'll be glad to talk to you further :)
Good luck and get yourself out there!!!
Wendy

Well... I think what you might be asking is the ultimate "What are guys thinking?" question. The answer: I don't frickin' know. That guy could have been flirting with you just for some fun (in a good way). He could have been really interested, and be kicking himself for not asking for your number. He could have been bored. I don't know.

I never see any harm in flirting for fun.

You want to know how to flirt? Practice smiling. A genuine smile. Eye contact, smile.

hola chica,
Hmm this is a hard one. You have lost weight, and probably look great. but, you need to up your confidence, girlfriend :)
This guy sounds like he really did like you. Maybe he was just too embarassed to ask for you number, maybe he was afraid of rejection, etc. There can be a lot of reasons. as for the girlfriend who dragged you away, you should have tried your darnest to convince her to stay awhile longer. or you could have asked for his number. I know, its hard. Ive never asked a guy for his number. But it sounds like this one was really crushing on you ;) and would have probably liked your straightforwardness. a lot of guys do. you live and learn. THe number one thing I can tell you is to love yourself, and get your confidence up. make these boys work for you!LOL

You said he was a friend of a friend? Maybe he's just hoping of bumping into you again.

It's weird that he talked to you for 3 hours and didn't ask for your number when you left. You must be super hot and he just wanted sex. Or if you are a friend of a friend he could be hoping to bump into you later. Either way, he is/was interested (either in a short or long term way, though!). Anyway just remember that you're hot and you'll be able to attract the right guy for you!

its been a while since i was on the singles scene, you could always try to meet a guy in a sober setting like a bus or a store asking a guy for his opinion on something.
never hurts to try and definetly smile

Well....you said you left abruptly and he could have possibly thought maybe you were not interested in him for leaving abruptly and he didn't get the chance to ask for your number?? In my experience, when a guy spends time ( more than 15 mins) talking to you at a bar, club, etc. it is because he is interested on some level. Guys, generally, are not that nice...they will leave if they are not interested in you. They usually will not carry on a conversation just because.
I'm not so sure this guy would be worth your time anyway...asking you back to his house when you just meet him. Take it as a compliment though. You were so HOT he wanted to take you home. Good luck in the future. When it's right, you won't have to work that hard to flirt and make it click. It will just happen. As for this situation, it is entirely possible that he will try to get your number from the friend of a friend. Even if he doesn't, he is not the only hot guy left that would be interested in you. :hug:

Oh man! I hear ya!!! I met my husband 5/6 years ago when I dieted down to a size 12/14... that was the ONLY time I had really gone out "looking" in bars... and I found the guy I married last night. So yeah, things are "rusty" for lack of a better word!

I think the hard thing for us to learn as big girls/now thing girls is that it's not like when you're younger where guys flirt in order to date you. Today... guys flirt to flirt. Guys like the attention and girls like the attention. And sometimes, that's all it is. Flirting. He may have flirted with four other girls the exact same way on other days that week.

It's a way of measuring responses, boosting your ego, feeling better about yourself. And sometimes, sometimes!!!! it's about finding a date. :)

Maybe yours is one of those times. Maybe he figures since you're friends of friends there's an excellent chance he'll run into you again or he could always ask around since someone knows your number.

Best of luck! eek!

Guys don't have unlimited confidence either - it sounds to me like he was putting himself way out there, flirting, inviting you home, and you were too confused :) to really respond, so he wasn't sure if you were interested back. If you left abruptly, he may just have thought "Oh, guess she isn't interested, I feel dumb, lets not ask for her number." Next time, you can always just give it to them - no harm, no foul - if they're not interested, they won't call, and you don't have to invest ANY more energy in it.

I don't know if I can be of any help, but I can give you my perspective... I don't know what this guys intentions may have been towards you, but I can say from my own experience as someone who is not terribly confident when it comes to dating, I find for me its a ton easier to make friends first with guys and then figure out whether I could be interested in dating them or if they might be interested in me...I know I am better able to be myself around a guy who has become my bud than a total stranger whose intentions are hard to read. And I think if you go into a situation wanting something so bad, its a lot easier to overlook some warning signs, if you go in just wanting to make friends its easier to see if the guy is a jerk. At least that is my experience.

So...I guess my advice is should you run into this fellow again, go ahead and chat him up, get to know him, and decide whether he's a dreamboat later on...in the meantime feel free to get to know some other guys should you meet any interesting ones. Of the guys I have dated, all were friends first, some for years before any sparks flew. Even though those relationships hadn't worked out, I'm still friendly with most of them, and actually I think the more I interacted with guys the more comfortable I've gotten with the process too. And my current boyfriend who I've been with for a few years I originally met about 6 years ago, he was a friend of one of my other guy friends I thought I might want to date (but now realize is a much better friend than boyfriend). Funny how things work out. Anyway, don't stress! Keep going out with your friends and meeting new people and sooner or later the right guy will come along.

If he asks you to his place, but doesn't ask for your number, he's looking to use you. Sucks being beautiful, eh chica? ;) These guys see you for what you are, not what you *think* you are/remember what you used to be.

Practice your flirting, for itès tons of fun, but remember any guy that's worth it values your personality before your looks.

Wowee let's give boys more credit!! I don't think he was necessarily out to be a butt or anything. I mean you did say that it was in a group-- the whole "friends of friends" deal.

I'm going along with the whole he might have found it awkward with the "abrupt" leaving. And again, he might be waiting on running into you again too!

Of course, there is the chance that he IS a butt and he's just lookin to hook up with a hot lady, but you don't know him, none of us know him (I think), so it's not really fair for us to pass judgement on him. Maybe he's all super socially awkward and he was just like "uhhh uhh yeah ok bye" and completely FORGOT that asking for a lady's number was an option! (I'm not EVEN being sarcastic-- I have actually witnessed such a situation)

Either way, here's to hoping that you may run into him again (if you wish) or that another dude (who is maybe more rad) comes along soon! And besides, in this day and age, it's okay for the lady to give her number too. ;) If the DD wants to get going (like this past time) you could be like "Aww gee willikers!" (or something to that effect) "I gotta go... but hey it was really cool talking to you! Call me up sometime!" (insert digits here).

Yeah my response is getting way too long. But best of luck in the future!!! :)

There's always the possibility that he wanted you to offer your number. For all you know, he might be kicking himself right now for not being more forward (although inviting you back to his place is a pretty big leap). I think the mindset you need to put yourself in is if you see a guy you are interested in, either across a room or right next to you, give him a smile (my little secret is to catch his attention, smile, tilt my head to the side and bat my eyes once or twice). Even say hello. Let him be intrigued, and want to know more. Guys are very curious, exploratory creatures. If he likes what he sees, he will return that gesture, and most likely strike up a conversation. Just keep confident and let things fall into place. You worked hard to get to where you are. If you exude confidence, you will be noticed :D .

Also, I think they [men] should usually be given the benefit of the doubt. Most are not creepy and vile and only want to use you. But for those that do, it will become very clear if that is their intention. Definitely keep your wits, but don't be afraid to let someone in and get to know you.

Oooh, THANKS for your replies!!! :)

I so appreciate the reasonings you guys have suggested for his actions and non-actions. It made me think about things in different perspectives.

But, I should have clarified (my fault) that it wasn't his actual home, it was just his friend's place where he was crashing for the night. And a bunch of us ended up going there anyways. But we found a quiet corner......


But, I might see him sometime in the next few weeks (I'll let you know when/if I actually do) and I am nervous as to how it is going to be. My mind keeps running like: "He will probably have come round to his senses by now and when he sees you again he won't want to be anywhere near you." "He probably won't even show up if he hears you are coming." "He probably has a girlfriend anyways and/or has no long-term (meaning longer than one night) interest in you at all." "It will probably be different this time 'round. We won't "click" and things will be soo akward."

Basically all of my negative self-talk boils down to: "No one has ever liked you and no one will. You are unlovable. You are not pretty. You are still too heavy. Your body has tons of stretch marks and scars, no guy would want that. You have had issues with depression/anxiety and weight gain/loss and no guy wants to deal with that baggage. Who would want you? You aren't good enough."

Whoa. That was a lot I had to get "out." Sorry for being such a downer and looking like I have zero self-esteem. I usually fake the self-esteem and confidence when I am out and about. But here I can be honest. And that is how I honestly feel a good deal of the time.
Again, this is not the persona I project (or at least I don't think I do) but this is who I am on the inside.

Help/Advice/Thoughts? I don't even know what kind of response I am looking for from this tangent. :(

hmm...how old is this guy? and how old are you? That would make a difference, I'm sure.

Guys are really weird. I never know what they're thinking either... like last week I was at the gym doing my strength training. I was the only girl...I felt a little weird because I am chubby, ya know? All the guys were gorgeous. They were around my age 22-26, I'd say... very fit. There was this one guy on the opposite end of the weights area...he was BEAUTIFUL. I was near the water fountain, and he came over a bunch to get water. I felt like he was watching me though. Then I could see in the mirrors (the room is surrounded by mirrors) that he was glancing at me every once in awhile. I started feeling a little awkward because **heaven forbid** some really good looking guy looks at me! I finished my set then went to the yoga studio to do a few other exercises. The studio is huge. No joke... this guy comes into the studio a minute later, grabs a balance ball and sits it down 3 feet away from me (when the room is empty...and did I mention, big?) He starts stretching. Again, I feel sort of awkward... so I leave the studio, go to the main gym and do crunches on a bosu ball and a yoga mat. Again... a MINUTE later he comes out of the studio, sits down on the yoga mat right next to me and starts stretching. By this point, I'm real nervous...I mean, I'm doing crunches. You can definitely see my fat roll. It's not attractive. haha I finished my set and left the gym...I felt like he was following me...and watching me. But he didn't say anything at all to me. So weird, huh?

I keep wondering if I'll run into him again...I haven't made it to the gym lately though because I had to have emergency surgery :( :( :(

...What do you all think about that situation? Too weird? Do you think he wanted to maybe talk to me and was getting up the nerve? ...or just coincidence?

Originally Posted by shrinkingchica:
Basically all of my negative self-talk boils down to: "No one has ever liked you and no one will. You are unlovable. You are not pretty. You are still too heavy. Your body has tons of stretch marks and scars, no guy would want that. You have had issues with depression/anxiety and weight gain/loss and no guy wants to deal with that baggage. Who would want you? You aren't good enough."

Whoa. That was a lot I had to get "out." Sorry for being such a downer and looking like I have zero self-esteem. I usually fake the self-esteem and confidence when I am out and about. But here I can be honest. And that is how I honestly feel a good deal of the time.
Again, this is not the persona I project (or at least I don't think I do) but this is who I am on the inside.

Help/Advice/Thoughts? I don't even know what kind of response I am looking for from this tangent. :(

Okay, so it sounds like you have some self-hatred going on. While flirting and occassional dating may help bring up your confidence, it's not really probable that you'd be able to be part of a functional relationship while feeling this way about yourself. WHen you feel this way, it forces you to make bad decisions, date people who aren't good enough for you, accept abuse or bad treatment because you feel like you deserve it or won't find any better. I think that you really need to take this time to work on yourself- not your body, you're already there. But you need to change that self-hate to self-love. I strongly recommend talking with a therapist once a week, i know it's been helping me a ton. The self-depricating language and thoughts are only going to further the negativity you feel towards yourself, so start with being nice to yourself and eliminating that language, even if you don't really believe it. Just start really looking at yourself in the mirror and trying to find things you honestly like. If you don't have anything you like just yet, find things you want to like, and start telling yourself that you do.

Originally Posted by nutrition junkie:
The self-depricating language and thoughts are only going to further the negativity you feel towards yourself, so start with being nice to yourself and eliminating that language, even if you don't really believe it.

You are right. :yes: I am trying to be more positive. I put a big sign on the top of my mirror that says: "This is what Beautiful looks like" (which I read somewhere was a body postive thing to do). I do see a therapist as well but I feel like it helps to be able to have dialogue about this with people my own age as well. :)

Originally Posted by mxgirl737:
hmm...how old is this guy? and how old are you? That would make a difference, I'm sure.

...What do you all think about that situation? Too weird? Do you think he wanted to maybe talk to me and was getting up the nerve? ...or just coincidence?

*Age difference is like 3years. Nothing really.

*I don't know about your situation......?? :?: Maybe weird, but who knows? Maybe he is hot but socially akward, likes you but doesn't know how to approach you?

Shrinkingchica -- check it, our names kinda match.

More to the point, you've really brought up a great topic, here! I have 2 things to add:
1 -- The first time I ever purposely lost weight was in high school, dropping about 15 lbs down to an all-time low of 117 (I was very hungry, very often). Guys started treating me differently, seeing me differently...there was something new going on. This was my motivation for losing at the time -- I wanted a date for the prom! But what surprised me was the real sadness that I felt deep down, realizing that these guys weren't talking to me when I had a few more pounds on me. Something felt off. It was an amazing insight for me at the time, and I just wanted to share.
2 -- Someone already mentioned the thought that this guy might be kicking himself right now for not asking for your number. I'd go with that. Fact is, you have no idea, but one thing I can tell you is that guys turn into big idiot wussies around pretty ladies, and he might have just felt insecure. See how insecurity can be really unnerving?? See how it works both ways??
3 -- Oh, did I mention I have three things to say?? mxgirl -- all's i can say is that my tall and (previously) slender boyfriend loves thicker ladies. So do lots of guys. And I mean, he really does, he's not just saying it. I've never been obese, but I've mostly been overweight, and I've been with a lot of guys, so I assume that those who say that they like an a$$ mean it. Hey, go with it!!

Shrinking, I just want to thank you for your honesty, it can be hard to share like you've done. It is hard to feel so unsure, and no one telling you to start loving yourself is going to make you love yourself. Reading your posts made me feel really sad with you...sometimes I feel the same way. Good luck and KEEP US POSTED!!!

S

I really think this guy saw you and thought you were gorgeous and friendly-looking. Do you really think guys go and talk to girls they don't find attractive? I don't know any !

At first, when I lost my extra weight, I wasn't really good with flirting and being intimate with boys. But after 4 years of maintenance, I gained so much confidence I feel I can flirt with even the best looking guys around me! Maybe at first, they see what you look like on the outside, but confidence is what win them over.

Don't worry, you'll get use to boys talking to you at random, and you'll flirt back !

Okay... you've probably had a 100 dates since you posted
 

I am the worst kind of non-expert on this... Completely comfortable being friendly and direct in the work way... but not much on the personal scale.

Maybe I missed it, but did someone ask you... Did YOU like HIM? That's where you really want to get... Maybe you enjoy the rush of flirting for a while, but, eventually, you want to date someone more than twice....

ha ha.. I'm turning 25 this month and I've still never been on a date and honestly.. I have bigger things to worry about! I've got a lot of issues to work through though never mind chronic health conditions so thanks for sharing your experiences ladies. hang in there and give yourselves more credit!

Holy **** this is an old tread!!! At first I read it and I didn't realize it was MY POST! And I couldn't remember what guy I was even going on abt!!!! hahahaha but I just recalled who it was but it really is hysterical! Actually though I am glad this was dug up because I am so much more actually confident now and have come a long long way. And this just goes to prove that to me! Lol who knew 3FC threads would be like reading old diary entries........... ;)

So we all want to know... what happened?

Yeah, dish! Because I can totally relate to your original post. How did you get over the issues and insecurities? Did you just need time to adjust? Tell all! ;)

Yeah, seriously! How's about giving us a one-year update, Charlotte? Not just on the guy, but how you've been dealing with flirting, dating, self-confidence and self-image issues since then? I'm sure it could be beneficial for a lot of people here to see the change!

I tend to agree with Harpo on this one. I used a be a big bar hopper/clubber when I was younger (okay, up until about two years ago) and that was during times that I was fat AND skinny.... and honestly, for the most part... if he'd liked you at all (and even then, it's iffy), he would have asked you for your number, not to go back home to his place. Going back to his place signaled.... *drumroll*... a one night stand darling. Believe me, I know... I had mass amounts of them over the years.

So yeah... flirt, enjoy, etc.... if you really like someone take their number and proceed with caution... but just remember, it's VERY unlikely anyone's going to meet their Mr. Forever in a bar.

Well due to popular demand here is an update:
I never saw him again.
lol anti-climatic I know!

But since then I have been out on a couple of dates and currently find myself in a love triangle which is fun :rolleyes: (I like best guy friend who doesnt want a relationship right now, while my second best guy friend is head over heels for me and I don't feel the same for him). Lovely. :(
Oh well. At least I have found enough confidence to know that it isn't bc of my looks that best guy friend doesn't want me and that 2nd does. They both think I am beautiful and tell me so. And honestly, having two men who I like very much (in different ways though), and whose opinions I respect and trust tell me in all honesty that they think I am very pretty, beautiful, hot, attractive, smart, kind, funny, loyal, good to talk to, fun to be around, fantasic, great, etc. has profoundly helped me in believing that men can and do find me attractive in more than one sense. They will likely never know it but they have done lots to boost my self esteem in simply telling me in conversation etc how they see me. Its nice to hear that stuff from men you like trust and respect. :) Thanks guys! hahaha ;)

I'm so happy to see that everything is falling in place for you! :D