The Skinny Friend(s)
 

Okay, I need some advice.

I love my friends, I really do, but a few of them drive me bananas. I'm the biggest of all my girlfriends, at a size 16. The next "biggest" is probably a size 8 at most.

How on earth am I supposed to react to my size 4 friend who will text message me with "be honest - am I gaining weight?" or my size 6 friends complaining about "thunder thighs" or whatever? How am I supposed to react to their "OMG I feel so fat today" comment, or their condemnations of fat women? :mad: They are otherwise wonderful women, but this is driving me crazy!!

Ironically (?), my thinnest (sz 00!) friend is the most supportive, and least judgemental of women of all sizes. :dizzy:

It's rough being the biggest in the group--I'm in the same boat. I see you're tall like me so no matter what girlie I think we'll always be the bigger friend. Oh well! I know it's frustrating to hear them talk about losing 2 lbs because they are SO fat ((hear the sarcasm--LOL)). Real friends are honest and supportive though so I'd say respond to them as you would want them to respond to you. Whether you have to lose 5, 10, 15, or 100 lbs it's important and good to have your friends behind you. On the flipside though if you think your friends are maybe being overly dramatic about how much they have to lose I'd say just be polite and move onto another subject.

i completely understand and i would say to them - do you look anythign like me? no becasue you are not fat - now shut up about it.

ok well maybe not but i would nicely say if you are feeling bad about your body(maybe put differently but you get what i mean) then maybe would you like to come to the gym with me?

i think women no matter their size need to be supportive of each other and promote healthy lifestyle choices - even if it is annoying to hear " do my thighs look fat" from a size 4 everyone has their insecurities and just becsaue you think your size 4 friend looks good - doesnt mean she does

Why not answer their question with a question? If they ask " Do I look like I am gaining weight?"Reply , " Do you think you look like you are gaining weight?"This will put the ball back in their court and get you off the hook.

My trouble with being the big girl is seeing the small fries eat like ravenous lions and not gain a pound. *sigh* It's hard to accept, but I just can't be the girl who eats like a pig and never gains a pound.

I knew I loved 3FC for a reason - you all know just what to say!

Chickadee, I think you are right, and I think that's where I'm struggling. How do I reconcile my feelings of "hey crazy, you are NOT fat" with being a supportive friend?

i have the tendency to compare myself constantly to my friends bodies and all it does it make me feel worse about myself. so i have really tried to stop doing that - and it helps.
as far as response goes you can only tell someone something so many times - if they arent gong to hear you you cant help that, so i guess when they ask you - i guess you could respond by i think you look great but asking them why they think so and if they want a wokrout buddy you would be happy to ablige - thats what i would do anywyas.

If your size 4 friend ask if she looks fat say "I think you look great, but if you want to tone up you can join me at the gym this evening!" (or something similar). That way you are complimenting her and reassuring her that she honestly isn't a cow...but you're also being supportive to her insecurities and offering help. If you're helpful and supportive to her she will be to you too!

Great advice, wisher!

Ahh..The skinny friend.

I would always get the feeling they were looking at themselves and complaining..then looking at me for the "You're not fat" response, simply because they KNEW I was fatter than them anyways so I'd have to say something along the lines of that.." You are sooo not fat, I'm fat.." blah blah blah. It was a way to pump themselves up and reassure themselves that they were, indeed, thinner than me, and therefore better, in some way.

It sounds petty, but some people are like that. After awhile I would always answer sarcastically "Yeah your thighs are like mine" or something. Then you get the smile, little laugh and "Dont be silly" from them.

But thats just me :) And like I said, not everybody is like that..that was just some experiences I had in the past. :)

I agree with BrokenButterfly - they're fishing for a compliment. Everytime you give them that reinforces that this behaviour will get them what they want. Don't fall for it.

Try a little sarcasm "yeah, I was just thinking you're looking fatter than usual". Maybe that'll end it.

Or you could just be honest with them & tell them it makes you uncomfortable when they ask you to assess their bodies.

It probably is fishing for a compliment, although I have friends who are bigger than me and that doesn't mean I still don't feel fat. Although I would never ask them something like that because they're my friends and as such I don't to things to make them feel like **** about themselves.

On the opposite spectrum, I have a much younger sister that is a fair bit heavier than me. My mom gets mad at me when I talk about dieting or health food in front of her, or ask if such and such makes me look heavier near her. She says that I consistantly hurt her feelings. I never mean to do so. I don't ask to fish for compliments. I've been much heavier than I am now. I just want a little support in my efforts, I suppose..
Is there anything I can do short of just never mentioning dieting or weight in front of my family?

OMG I know! I wonder how they do it - really - I keep reading that we all have the same metabolism and every time I see skinny girls eat and eat and eat without gaining an ounce, I just HAVE to question that entire theory!

My girlfriend, for instance, eats several times a day. On my way home from work, she always asks me to stop at Krispy Kreme, where I buy her 2-4 donuts. I don't touch 'em, but she eats them ALL on the same day! On top of that, she cooks these reasonably balanced-ish but very fattening meals like breaded and fried steak, fried plantains, mashed potatoes, and corn that she slathers with butter. She also makes great fried chicken and several other FRIED things, not to mention she eats lots of carbs like white rice and bread with butter.

When you live with someone, their eating habits can rub off on you... hers rubbed off on me and then I gained copious amounts of weight eating the way she does... yet she can do it and never gain an ounce? She NEVER exercises, either... she says, "why bother torturing myself? I'm thin... there's no need."

OK... END RANT... life is SO not fair for us fat/ex fat chicks!!! :mad:

I really take opposition to the idea that people who are smaller than me/you/anyone else don't have the "right" to have fat days and ask their friends about them.

I know this has driven my absolutely batty as I lost weight. Suddenly questions about "Does this make me look fat" and statements that I felt icky that day, or like I looked large in a particular article of clothing, were treated as utter ridiculousness. A person can have days, even if she is a size 2, where she feels like she is bigger than usual...sometimes you just need a friend to say "I haven't noticed, but if you're really bothered, why don't we go for a walk tonight". I have gotten to a place now where any sort of reference to a part of my body I don't like (even if I'm complaining about loose skin on my arms or being hormonally bloated) is blown off with a "shut up, you're skinny now" and its really saddening and frustrating that people are essentially telling me I don't have the right to feel the way I do about my body because it is smaller.

I think most if not all people, women especially given hormonal issues, have fat days...and asking your friends for a little reassurance does NOT mean you're fishing for a compliment! You're having a day, like anyone would, where you have doubts about your body. Its normal, no matter what size you are, and our job as friends is to be a good friend when others have those moments and support them, whether it is through commisseration (man, I'm hormonal and bloated too, I understand!) or encouragement (if its bothering you, lets go to the gym).