I love my friends, I really do, but a few of them drive me bananas. I'm the biggest of all my girlfriends, at a size 16. The next "biggest" is probably a size 8 at most.
How on earth am I supposed to react to my size 4 friend who will text message me with "be honest - am I gaining weight?" or my size 6 friends complaining about "thunder thighs" or whatever? How am I supposed to react to their "OMG I feel so fat today" comment, or their condemnations of fat women? They are otherwise wonderful women, but this is driving me crazy!!
Ironically (?), my thinnest (sz 00!) friend is the most supportive, and least judgemental of women of all sizes.
My sister does this to me all the time.
A couple of years ago, we went away for the weekend with our family. At the beach, she asked a woman who was about 10 pounds over weight how "she had the confidence to wear a bikini", as she (my sister) feels she's too fat to wear one. Of course, she said this in front of me, all 260 pounds of me, knowing how much I hate talking about weight in front of people. The woman gave me a sympathetic look and told my sister that she was confident enough in herself that she didn't care about what other people thought about her weight.
My sister is ALWAYS fishing for compliments- always! She's not happy enough that she has a fat tub of lard for a sister to compare herself to in the family- she has to make it publicly known to strangers how fat she feels, right in front of me.
She wonders why I don't want to visit her often- she gets me down every time I see her. I don't blame her for my weight problem, but she knows how much it hurts me to hear her do this all the time, yet she makes no effort to change. Personally, I think it really makes her feel good that I'm fat, as when I had lost weight years ago, she use to tell people in front of me "you should have seen how much weight she's lost!". She ALWAYS brought up my weight back then- even after two years of losing it, she still brought it up, in spite of knowing how much I hated discussing my weight problem.
Unfortunately, I am being treated to another weekend of this fun Labor Day weekend. She's invited herself to camp with us and I am dreading it as always.
I really take opposition to the idea that people who are smaller than me/you/anyone else don't have the "right" to have fat days and ask their friends about them.
If you're going to ask a question like this to your friends, why not ask friends who are thin and aren't trying to lose weight such questions? Why would you be insensitive to the friend that is heavier than you, knowing full well that you are thinner than them? Come on, please don't tell me that you can't tell the difference between a friend that is bigger than you versus one that is the same size or smaller than you. Why hurt and rub it in to the heavy one's face?
My sister is ALWAYS fishing for compliments- always! She's not happy enough that she has a fat tub of lard for a sister to compare herself to in the family- she has to make it publicly known to strangers how fat she feels, right in front of me.
honey I am so sorry that you have to deal with your sister's rudeness. her behavior is ridiculous and i do not blame you for not wanting to visit her. she needs to check herself and become a good human before ever opening her mouth to her own sister. her behavior disgusts me and i'm so glad that you're still a strong woman and are NOT influenced by her mean-spirited words.
I won't lie, it does hurt- really, really bad, but this is something I need to overcome and toughen up on. Thank goodness my weight loss isn't evident right now on my body, as I am not ready or prepared to hear her comments again about "how heavy she was" before I lost the weight. I've got to learn how to deal with this, though- maybe even tell her off, once and for all, and give her an ultimatum- either grow up, or leave me alone for the rest of my life. We went almost two years without speaking in the past, and I have to tell you, they were the best two years of my life.
I don't think this has anything to do with slimmer women not "having a right to feel off/unattractive/fat/bloated/whatever". I think that when you're slimmer than the person you're with you sometimes need to be aware of your audiences feelings. I think it is the same as complaining to a poorer friend about being broke or to an infertile friend about your pregnancy pains.
Sometimes it's just not about you. Yes, the sensitivity & support should run both ways but let's face the person who is "worse off" is often going to take it personally.
So I am no longer permitted to talk to my sister, mother, or partner (the three most influential and important people in my life) about my fat days, because I have lost to a point where my BMI is lower than theirs, and therefore no longer have the option to express those feelings? That pretty much leaves the cats to talk to. Seriously.
Maybe I come at this from a weird place on this board as it relates to self esteem, but to me, I don't see how someone that is thinner than me saying they FEEL fat is any sort of insult to me. My body, my self-image, and my perception of what "fat" is are all irrelevant to that person's body, that person's self image, and that person's perception of what fat is. We are different people, and their size relative to mine does not invalidate the feelings.
I'm not saying you're wrong, or that your feelings aren't very real now. But having been on both sides of the fence (nearly 300 lbs, listening to my friends talk about their fat days, and yes, sometimes getting frustrated by that) and being the "skinny" friend now, who is no longer allowed to feel fat or talk about it because of something that has nothing to do with ME (my sister's weight, my partner's weight, my mother's weight - all are things I have no control over and yet am basically being told that those weights or BMIs or pants sizes INVALIDATE anything I want to share about my weight struggles), I can say that it really does go both ways, and when you are suddenly or not-so-suddenly the smallest one in your group, it is TERRIBLY lonely not to be able to talk about your issues to the people who are supposedly your friends.
Look, on my wedding day, I had a crisis moment...freaking out about some "backfat" hanging out of my dress. Every single person in that room was my about my size or larger. Am I supposed to suck it up that I feel unattractive on my wedding day because talking to anyone there might hurt their feelings because they might be bigger than me? Or can I rely on my friends...the people closest to me, who I chose to be in my bridal party, to talk me down off the "omg my backfat is hanging out" ledge, and rely on them to understand that everyone has fat days and it has nothing to do with those people specifically, but rather my feelings at that time?
Absolutely. And if a skinnier person is having a moment where SHE feels fat, that is about her. It is not about me, or my weight, or my body, or anything other than the way that SHE feels about herself.
I probably know why your size 00 friend is being the most supportive. I have a friend that is a size 00, and she cannot gain weight. And I know all of you out there have no sympathy for this girl who can eat whatever she wants and not work out, but this might change your perspective. She has to take hormone pills and occasionally hormone injections so that she doesn't keep losing and can menstruate. She looks like a skeleton and everyone whispers about her behind her back or even sometimes right in front of her that she is anorexic. I tried shopping with her and while I left with 10 different outfits she couldn't find a single thing. I am a more typical body type than her so anything she wears has to be custom made which is an absolute fortune.
Mandalinn - I think you make some valid points. And from the sounds of it you have specific times/moments to feel unhappy about your body. But many of us know slimmer women who are Always complaining about feeling fat - that's where I think the big difference lies.
Go ahead & complain whenever you want - isn't it nice that you have the perspective to understand why others might feel uncomfortable about it & know it's their issue, not yours that is causing that. I don't think a lot of slim women get that - at all.
I guess that ALWAYS complaining is a different thing, and I totally get how uncomfortable it feels to be bigger and having someone smaller than you constantly saying that they are fat, and agree that most slim women probably never get that perspective.
Having said that, though, I just wanted to put out there, as someone who DOES have that perspective, that sometimes you feel crappy about your body, or parts of your body, or your body that day, whether you are big or small....that is the sort of complaining that I'm talking about.
I also was saying (though a little aggressively, and I apologize...this has been a major issue for me lately with friends and fam so I feel pretty passionately about it) that in a lot of cases (I'd venture to say most cases), the girls who are smaller and complain about their weight really don't mean it as anything about you...they probably aren't thinking about your weight as they say those things, but rather thinking of the fact that they are upset for whatever reason and want to talk about it. They aren't fishing for compliments or in any way trying to put you down on purpose or imply that "well, if I feel fat, imagine what YOU look like", even if to a heavier person that is sometimes how it is interpreted or internalized (ie, "wow, if she thinks that SHE is fat what must she think about ME"). I have made that leap myself many times, and know that it sucks, but having this perspective now, I realize that most of the time I felt like my skinnier friends were putting me down, they were saying that they felt fat and I was internalizing it as "they think I'm fat".
If you do, you're lucky. I still feel fat with fair regularity, or at least, feel like parts of me are fat, with some days where I just feel fat all over. Maybe that'll change as I get more adjusted to my thinner body, but right now, there are days I look in the mirror and still see 295 lbs of me.
Thats also a key distinction, I think...the "I am Fat" (which was true for me before, and isn't from my perspective now, though I still have days where I more or less feel that way) or the "My Arms/Abs/Butt/backflab/etc is fat", and its siblings, "these jeans make me look fat" and "I'm on my period and feeling fat". The first, I think, is a lot more upsetting to hear as someone who is bigger. The second, though, is where I tend to get in trouble with my friends family etc, as if the fact that I'm thinner now means I have no problem areas or bloated days, and that all clothing simply emphasizes my size without ever making it look distorted.
Steelslady - I am so sorry your sister is being that uncaring.
CookieMonster416 - Yeah, I expect you are right about my sz00 friend. Same struggles at different ends of the spectrum. Crazy, crazy world.
mandalinn - IMO, there is a big, big, BIG difference between having days of true low self-esteem, asking for advice on garment fit, etc. and constant dramatic "omg i am sooooo fat!1!!11!"-type comments. I am asking about handling the latter.
It's one thing for a friend to come to me saying that they are struggling with how they feel about their body, or asking if an outfit is flattering. It is entirely a separate issue for friends who regularly remark about how hot/thin/fit/whatever they are to start up with the "ew I'm so fat" type remarks. It's fishing for compliments, it's fishing for the "oh no you aren't, I am!" comments, and that is NOT okay in my books. Perhaps what I'm getting at isn't as clear as I'd like because with the internet, there is no tone of voice or hand gesturing, etc.
I also think that your situation comes with it's own struggles, as you've written - it's hard to be the formerly fat girl, too, especially when you've got supporters on both sides of the never-fat/currently-fat divide. I totally hear you on your experiences, and it sucks that you feel you've no one to talk to about your body thoughts. It has to be lonely, as you said, and that's always hard.
The reality of it in my situation is that I am the only fat girl in my social circles. I am the lonely one. I am fatter than every single one of my girlfriends by at least 50lbs and many, many dress sizes. I am the only one who shops in plus-size stores, or has to go to a specialty store to buy underwear because La Senza and other mall shops don't carry a 38G. The only one. My friends have no need to talk constantly to *me* about feeling fat - they can talk to any one of our other girlfriends who have the same experiences as them for support or commiseration. Once in a while, or framed in a different way, then I'm glad to support them. A constant barrage of "omg omg fat" type comments, to me, isn't necessary or considerate.
Marianne - agree 100%. A lot of it also has to do with the type of people you are around. The "next biggest being a size 8"...well, thats my size, and I still feel fat sometimes. But maybe thats because I'm former-fat, not never-fat.
I just wanted to put out there that probably, they don't mean anything about YOU personally, even if they are doing the whole compliment fishing thing. I mean lets face it...would I have as much to say on this topic or be able to think about both sides if I had always been thinner? Its all perspective.
Maybe a neutral response that you could develop would work best. Not "No You're Not! I am!" or "OMG how do you feel fat, you're SOOO much skinnier than me", but a simple, "I'm sorry you're feeling so negative about yourself", or perhaps even "I'm sorry you don't like the way you look right now". You're not validating anything....not that they are fat, not that they are ugly, whatever...but you are putting the impetus of the problem SQUARELY on them - YOU feel that way, YOU don't like the way you look. That makes it a) their problem and b) not reflective in any way on you, while still acknowledging the feeling and saying that it sucks.
Do that enough, and if they stop after a while, they were just fishing for compliments that you are no longer granting. If it comes up every once in a while still, maybe there are days where they really do need reassuring, and you, as their friend, can provide it with the slightly positive, but mostly neutral, statements.
Last edited by mandalinn82; 08-17-2007 at 04:22 PM.
Reason: There/their mistake. Oopsie.
If your size 4 friend ask if she looks fat say "I think you look great, but if you want to tone up you can join me at the gym this evening!" (or something similar). That way you are complimenting her and reassuring her that she honestly isn't a cow...but you're also being supportive to her insecurities and offering help. If you're helpful and supportive to her she will be to you too!
THIS has been the best advice I've heard so far. I feel that women of any size could all use a lil' support!
They are otherwise wonderful women, but this is driving me crazy!! 
