hey everyoneee,
I have an issue that I thought people on here might be able to help me with...
I'm a 21 y/o college student and I live a normal, happy life...but my weight is constantly on my mind and consuming my thoughts. When i'm out with my friends, i always wonder if people see me as 'the fat friend' or 'why are they hanging out with her?'.

I think that I'm decent looking. I've lost weight and gotten down to a size 12, but I'm still no where near the size 2-4 perfect bodies of my friends.

My biggest problem is with dating. I just dont even want to get close to anyone b/c i know it wont go anywhere. The thought of someone seeing my fat or touching it just grosses me out! I tell my friends it's like trying to watch a romantic movie where you think the characters are unattractive...you just cant get into it. Thats how it is with myself lol. and I just cant imagine anyone choosing me out of the millions of other more attractive girls.

It seems like a lot of people on here and married or in relationships, so maybe ya'll can tell me how to deal w/ relationships and insecurity and stuff. Anyone sympathize or have advice?

hehe - I can only relate - though my last boy toy called me a sexpot or something like that - I only felt that way in bed Now that I'm single again I can't imagine myself that way - perhaps that is why I am single now - mind over matter. Its treachorous thinking, but what happens when you are left to idle thoughts on your own.

I'm thinking of trying eharmony though - but the thought of describing myself and dates based purely on a picture and description and then the letdown at the meeting makes me sick to my stomache. alas, I guess i will stay single for a wee bit longer...

I totally understand that too. I'm very insecure around men and on the rare occasion when one does seem interested, I just get confused! But as superficial as 20-something boys can seem, I really do believe that they care more about just having a good time with someone than hooking up with the "hottest" chick. If you're cool and fun, that's all they'll see!

I know for a fact that a lot of guys just aren't interested in those size 2-4 women you call perfect-- some think they're too skinny, others think that if they're that small they're probably totally high maintenance, and others would rather date someone who would go out for beer and pizza with them than freak out about carbs after 6 pm. Just relax, and if you meet a guy you like, don't let something stupid like the scale stand in your way!

have to agree, most guys that i've dated could have picked that sz 2-4 'perfect girl' but my guess is, I was just more fun

Firstly, Emilia, you should improve your self-esteem. You need to exude confidence and convince yourself to feel the same. Dating will follow after you do that.

And secondly, don't be so self-conscious. It's not anything like you make it out to be.

I believe in you! Good luck!

From experience, a lot of guys go for the size 2 girls to show off at first, but when it comes to long-term relationships, they go to the more full-fledged ones. We have a joke-saying here going like: "A woman without curves is like a jeans without pockets: you never know where to put your hands". Somehow, it's pretty true.

The important part is to not retreat without a self-conscious shell, because this tends to be the real killer, not the size 12 itself. I know it's a matter of "easier said than done", but it's true. I could get guys at 155 (that was my high-school weight), and I don't even have the proverbial 'pretty face', so I'm convinced being open to others plays a great role in that waltz of relationships. No kidding, I've had guys try to *hit on me* during this school year, before I lost some weight again, and I'm like 8 years older than them!

In any case, please try to have more confidence in that regard... perhaps make a list of strong points that people will like in you? (Outgoing, funny, intelligent, etc.) This would give you something to focus on. Men, and especially when they get past the high-school level, tend to use their eyes first, okay, but in the long run, they'll look for a little more than just that. Well, the nice, valuable men, that is.

Sweetie at 155 I imagine you probably look as normal as anyone else. Your weight is nothing to be ashamed of.

Don't let your weight issues get in the way of living your life. You're young, I would imagine attractive, and have so much to live for. There will be a guy who is going to love your body, and love you even more. I was sitting fat at 224 a couple of months ago, and the fiancee still thought I was beautiful as ever..even though he had also seen me naked back in the days when I was a varsity cheerleader LOL. I know I certainly don't feel as comfortable now that I have gained so much, BUT when you find the right kind of man they will make you feel comfortable and loved.

Well, I have no advice beyond what other people have said -- have some more confidence in yourself and the good men will be looking for something better than a twiggy little body.

Unfortunately, I do sympathize quite a bit! I haven't been in a relationship (or even just gone on a date) in a few years, and at this point I figure that no one wants to date someone who looks like me. The truth of the matter is that I tend to avoid social settings and simply haven't met too many guys. If I was more social, chances are I'd find somebody.

I, too, feel rather self-conscious, though. I suppose that if the situation arose, I'd simply have to try to remind myself that the person likes what he sees, so I shouldn't feel so ashamed of my fat! Listen to the French! Kery's delightful little saying is one that I think I'll keep in mind from now on:

i spoke to a male friend of mine and i was complaining about my weight. do you know what he told me? he said that guys do not care whether a girl is fat or skinny, whether she has stretch marks or hairy legs. it is all about confidence. you can be 400lbs and sexy as ****. it is in the attitude and the eyes. i was shocked. i asked another male friend and he agreed. I think we are harder on ourselves and we do not give us the credit we deserve. some men are vain, but most are not, they are happy that we even talk to them. and at 155, girl you need to be proud who wants to be a size 2 anyways?

I am married now, but when I met my husband in 1998, I weighed 190 pounds. I ended up gaining and reaching 230 pounds and was miserable. He was actually one of the people encouraging me to do something about my weight if I was unhappy about it (although he kept telling me that he still thought I was beautiful, etc). I lost the weight, and went down to 150. Then I thought I could do it on my own (yeah right!), was put on some nasty medication, stopped going to WW meetings and was back up to 220. Now I'm losing again and half way there.

The point? He's been with me through it all, and I was already on the borderline of being obese when we first met. You just need a little confidence! Trust me, there are a lot of great guys out there who care more about your mind than your body.

I MOST DEFINITELY sympathize! I know everyone says to be more confident, but when you're uncomfortable with your body, being confident is hard! My girlfriend told me that I instinctively sit in positions to hide my fat. I have love handles, and I'm apparently constantly trying to cover them in any way I can. It's true;I never wear tight shirts and always wear an overshirt or a baggy t-shirt so no one can see how "fat" I really am.

I've been in a relationship for two years (almost - our anniversary is coming up June 7), and we met each other when I was 50 pounds lighter and wore a 2-4. We only recently started having more sex, because I'm finally feeling better about my body (doing the Fat Smash Diet.) I refused to have sex for a long time and kept having to say things like, "There's nothing wrong with you. I just hate my body." It was for the same reasons that you didn't/don't. I just don't find myself sexy and I have no idea how anyone else will. Haha!

PS: we wear around the same pants size. While it's not skinny, it's definitely average/normal. Size 2-4 is skinny by anyone's definition.

PPS: just because you're not skinny doesn't mean people don't find you attractive. Not *everyone* is fixated on having a partner who is skinny only And besides, once you get down to the weight you want to be, I know you'll have a thousands times as much confidence.

ALSO: the craziest part about all this weight yo-yo-ing is that I'M the only one who really cares! my S.O. always tells me I'm beautiful the way I am and the only reason my weight loss even matters is because it matters to *me*

I go through periods where I haven't been in a relationship or on a date in a few months where I think it's all about my weight and get upset. But then I stop myself and think about how I have a MUCH fuller love life than any of my skinny friends have ever had!

I meet lots of guys through my school but most of the ones I'm interested in already have girlfriends (there's a saying at my school "the 3 Gs: Gay, Girlfriend, or God No!) so I use a free dating site which has worked out well for me. The guy I'm dating now is always telling me how hot, sexy, and attractive I am, and more often in Spanish (he's from Mexico). At first I was really concerned because when I went over to his apartment, he had pictures covering the walls with his exgirlfriends (he's still friends with them- no creepy crazy ex deals) who are ALL skinny, exotic, and gorgeous. Here am I a chubby, short, bland gringa. But that doesn't bother him and when I brought it up once, he told me he liked me because I am confident in my knowledge and always looking for more- and that I'm Drew Barrymore cute. Whatever that means. :P

At 155 pounds, guys won't even notice your weight! I understand how it feels to think you're so much heavier than you are. I was 155 at the end of middle school/beginning of high school surround by 110 pound friends- but most guys really don't notice that much.

I know EXACTLY how you feel chick!
I started Uni back in September at 193lbs. I felt like no guy would ever look at me. However, I made some amazing friends who gave me a bit more confidence (even the skinny ones, bless them lol ) and I must say, when guys started approaching me asking me out and stuff, I was taken aback.
I was like "how could they like someone as fat and ugly as me?"
To this day, I still haven't had a proper boyfriend (I am 19) because of reasons that you guys have all said, like hating myself or not feeling good enough. I guess we have low self-esteem!
But I think we have to change the way we think about ourselves and try our best to put our insecurities to the back of our minds, which is easier said than done, as always!
Sorry I couldn't be more help, but I do know exactly what you're feeling and I am sure you can overcome how you feel.

155 is less than I weigh, and just lately I've been having awesome dates. You shouldn't worry so much, because you probably look great! Just because a girl is a smaller size doesn't make her automatically more attractive than you; you'd be shocked at how little men notice weight. (Maybe they really are looking at our faces!)

To be honest, I had a hard time dating during my undergraduate years too (I'm 24 now). This was even though I was pretty skinny. It's because dating in college is really a rare thing; a lot of people just kind of get drunk and hook up and it's easy to feel like nobody appreciates you enough to date you, plus you're still pretty inexperienced and awkward in college. Everyone is. It's not you or your perceived heaviness, it's just the culture of college! So I wouldn't stress too much about relationships and whatnot; just go out and have fun and flirt with cute boys and just don't worry.