This is a lot of rambling... I think I just need to say a couple of things before I can move on.So it's been a good number of months since I've been here regularly, and it's been a good number of months since I've consistently treated my body right. As a result, I have made NO progress and am still sitting uncomfortably just above the 200 lb mark. My pants are tight, my shirts are all a teeny bit too short (more boobs and belly for them to have to accommodate!), and none of my summer clothes fit right. In the winter/cold weather it's really easy to overlook how poorly your clothes fit because, well, everyone looks bulky and layered anyway, and you can hide anything under a big sweater or coat! Double-chin worries? Put on a scarf! Back fat rolls? Throw on a hooded sweatshirt and go! It's also a lot easier to fool yourself into thinking you don't look *that* bad under all that clothing...
Now that the weather's warming up for good, I'm realizing just how much damage I've done since starting grad school. I didn't gain weight when I started undergrad--the Freshman 15 never showed its ugly face. In fact, I lost 20 lbs in my 2nd year... which I've slowly put back on... Now I'm packing the Grad School almost-15... I think I've put on 12 lbs since September. Nothing has been able to motivate me to eat better/less and move more... Not even my wedding (which is in, eek, just a couple days over two months away!). Yeah, my dress fits, but it's tight. Sigh.
My pattern for almost the entirety of this school year has been that I'll stay 2 or 3 days OP, then spend the next 3 binging (I mean the word to its fullest extent.... 14" sheet cake, boxes of ice cream, bags of cookies, boxes of pop tarts, clearance Easter candy, large pizzas, lots of drive-thru McD). I'm surprised I haven't gained more weight, actually. There was this one moment when I had done well for almost a whole week... Then went to McDonalds's and did the stupid thing that I have been doing a lot (and I don't know why), which is to order enough food for 2 people and take it home to eat it. I weighed myself the next morning (I don't know why I did that either, self-punishment I think) and had lost a pound. So that wasn't motivation to stop.
I know that there's a lot of stress in my life, and a lot of what I've been doing to myself has been the result of using food for comfort and for company. This might sound a little bit mean, but another part of my problem is that the one good friend I've made here isn't at all concerned with her weight or the way she eats... She thinks whole-grain Wonder white bread is healthy. It's kind of rubbing off on me, because it's so easy to eat poorly. It takes time and effort to eat right. (There is something inherently wrong with our culture...) Don't get me wrong, I love healthy food! I had a stir-fry last night that made me so happy because it was full of bright, colorful, yummy veggies and I loved every bite of it. Compare that to an off-white and brown McD meal and you can just see the nutritional difference. The problem is, cooking the brown rice alone takes 45 minutes. That's a long time to wait when you're hungry, when the drive-thru takes 5-10 minutes and you're out of there, instant gratification.
Another GIANT mistake I've made over the past 8 months has been to wait. I've been waiting for things to change before taking any real action with myself. I wait until my papers have been written... I wait until the term is over... I wait until I'm financially stable... I wait until my fiance comes back... I wait until the weather is nicer... I wait until I see results before I continue living healthily (yeah, that doesn't make sense. I realize that)...
And you know, here I am, 12 pounds worse for the wear, and I'm still waiting for each and every one of those things to happen. Sure, I'm closer to them happening, but I don't feel comfortable with myself. I won't be able to truly rejoice in any of these events knowing I've let myself go. (This might seem mean as well, please excuse me...) I see women out and about who are 300+ lbs, and as I sit in my car with my 2 people's worth of McD food, I think, "I'll never end up like them." But really, what's stopping me? If I continue on this trend, there's no reason why I won't continue to gain weight. And will I really know when to stop? Obviously not... Or I would have stopped three years ago when the weight started to come back on.
Soooo....... All this to say, I'm back, and I plan on staying back until this damn weight comes off. Hold on... I don't want to be waiting around for the weight to come off. I AM GOING TO TAKE IT OFF. I'm going to evict it, kick it out, send it off without a proper farewell. I have to value myself enough to know that this needs to be done. That it will take a while. That I should not be discouraged when I don't see immediate results. That I should forgive myself for slip-ups and not turn them into giant mistakes. That I should learn to love this, love myself, love the process, and make it fun.
In closing, hello to all the new faces I haven't yet met, I look forward to getting to know you! And hello to all my old friends who I've missed interacting with, I hope you are all doing well on your respective journeys.
See you around
This is totally going on a virtual "post-it." (I keep motivational sayings, etc on my comp's desktop)
Looks like you've made some awesome progress, keep it up!
