Toxic Friends - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community


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Old 03-01-2007, 01:59 PM   #1  
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Default Toxic Friends

Does anyone else feel like some of their "friends" actually prefer them to be unhappy because of their weight? I've been thinking about this lately and I think I have a couple friends who are more comfortable now that I am uncomfortable. I was always a very confident person until I gained abotu 20 extra pounds that I have now since University and I think a couple of my friends prefer me this way. Even when I ask them to please not offer me any junk food etc, they do. Perhaps they just will never understand that it is really hard for me to say no to foods I like, but I wonder sometimes why they aren't trying to help me instead of tempt me and encourage me to overeat (which I have an issue with). On the other hand, I have some amazing and encouraging friends who I am so grateful to have. For one, my friend who is a personal trainer. She is so positive and helpful so I'm lucky to have her. Just wondering what everyone else's thoughts are on this.

Lisa
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Old 03-01-2007, 02:22 PM   #2  
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I have a few friends like that. I am also extremely ashamed to admit that I have been a friend like that. I think that it is part of the human condition to constantly compare ourselves to others. And I think that it is easier to like what you see in yourself when you are "better off" than they are. You are in a really enviable position right now too- you have seen something that you don't like about yourself, and you are making an effort to change those things for the better. That takes willpower and determination! You'd be surprised how many people don't have a lot of it.

And, since one of my March goals is practicing compassion, then I will suggest this: think of it as them not being against you, but against themselves and to the detriment of your firendship. Now what can you do to make them feel better about themselves? If the answer is really truly nothing, then keep taking care of yourself, surround yourself with supportive and good friends, and don't let their insecurities become yours too.

Man, I am long winded today.
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Old 03-01-2007, 02:23 PM   #3  
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Even at 5'3", 135 lbs is still right in the middle of the "ideal" weight charts. I doubt your weight is even on your friends' radar. Some of them might be trying to encourage you to eat out of the misguided idea that it will assure you that you do not "need" to lose weight. Or they might just want you to "join in" the fun that they are having.

People will always try to encourage us to do things we want to avoid, and to discourage us from things we want to do. And we will do the same to them. I think it's rarely out of sinister motives, it's just that everyone has different traditions, beliefs, experiences, and values that color their viewpoint (and their willingness to share and even sometimes push that viewpoint on others).
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Old 03-01-2007, 03:46 PM   #4  
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here is a quote that i really love and i think it's rellivant in this situation

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens
us. We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually who are you
not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small
does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened
about shrinking so that people around you wont feel
insecure. We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to manifest the glory of God within us. It
is not just in some of us: it is in everyone. And as
we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same. As we are liberated
from our fear, our presence automatically liberates
others."

-Nelson Mandella
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Old 03-01-2007, 11:44 PM   #5  
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I have "friends" , and yes I use the term friends loosely, that try to sabotage me on a daily basis. Having told them that this is a lifestyle change and that I don't ever want to go back to the way I was hasn't swayed them one bit.

I think futurepixie hit the nail on the head....
Quote:
Originally Posted by futurepixie View Post
You are in a really enviable position right now too- you have seen something that you don't like about yourself, and you are making an effort to change those things for the better. T
Misery loves company, and there really are some people out there that want to see you unhappy simply beacause they are. It is so much easier to tear someone down and to try to minimize their sucesses, than to put in the hard work and change things about yourself that you don't like. Evaluate whether these people are even worthy of being called your friends, Friends celebrate each other successes and don't set you up to fail.
Not judging, you know these people better than I do. I know I need to purge my life of some toxic people.. I think everyone needs to do that once in awhile.

OK .. I am done running my mouth.

Don't let it get to ya sweetie .
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Old 03-02-2007, 07:59 AM   #6  
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I don't really have a "toxic friends" per se, but I do have a BF/cuz that is the perfect shape and size and she is very supportive but I am sooooooo jealous of her!!!!!

Everytime I talk to her or see her I envy her. Now she does have to work hard to keep her figure becuse she can gain weight to. She has never been fat before but she did slacked off once before and she gained like 10-15 pounds, but she was still perfect.

When we used to go out all the guys used to talk to her and I used to get stuck with the ugly friend.

She is also, perfect in everything that she does, my family loves her, and her and her mother ever do is brag, it get on my nerves!!!

OMG, I have never told anyone that before.
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Old 03-02-2007, 12:23 PM   #7  
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Default Wow, I can really understand this one!

Bikini Dreader, I am right there with you. Some of my closest friends are and always have been tiny, and they really can eat or drink anything they want. But honestly, I don't think they are doing it to be malicious. I think a lot of it has to do with food and drink being involved in nearly all social situations, and they just know that its polite to offer. And, at least from my experience, sometimes they think that it would be rude not to offer up the junk food or another slice of pizza while you are eating a salad. I think my b/f is a perfect example of that. We were out for dinner the other night, and he said "split dessert with me." I said, "no, no, I would have to tell my trainer about the extra calories..." His response was "I won't tell your trainer." Now, honestly, he wasn't trying to sabotage anything, he just wanted me to enjoy the food too.

I guess in my long winded response, all I am saying is that people are probably not trying to be mean or toxic, but they don't want to harp on the "diet" because they care about you as a person, and want you to enjoy life with them. Maybe I am overly optimistic and my friends and my b/f are trying to sabotage, but I am going to keep with the optimism.
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Old 03-02-2007, 02:20 PM   #8  
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Talking U have to Let them Go

I used to have friends like this. My ex-"best" friend was a skinny girl, she was always finding boyfriends, and i was bigger and never finding boyfriends. she used to put me down, calling me 'cow' when she was mad at me. she would also talk about how she was 'sooo fat', when she wore a size 9, which is not fat! (i was wearing a size 16 and thought that was huge...now i look back and realize thats just normal!) anyway, she also used to bug me about how i looked, not just my size, but she would say stuff like, 'u need to do something about those eyebrows...get them waxed...blah blah blah', and i began to realize there was nothing really wrong with how i looked...she was just trying to make herself feel better!
i had another 'friend' who once told me, 'you would be really pretty if you werent fat.' this was after i had lost thirty pounds and actually felt and looked healthy!
anyway, i dont surround myself with people who make me feel bad about myself anymore. sure, it has cost me a few friends, but they werent really my friends, not if they put me down like that. now i am much happier and losing weight the healthy way, and i dont have anyone around me who puts me down.
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Old 03-03-2007, 12:18 AM   #9  
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Ugh, my peeve is when a "friend" complains about how fat they are when they are smaller than me.
My answer is "we'll talk about you being fat when you have to come borrow my clothes"

on the subject of Toxic people we let into our lives...do you think you allow more toxic people in when you are overweight...for me it seems like I feel so happy that someone wants to be around me that I overlook those little warning flags ... and then regret it every time...
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Old 03-03-2007, 07:00 PM   #10  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizziness View Post
on the subject of Toxic people we let into our lives...do you think you allow more toxic people in when you are overweight...for me it seems like I feel so happy that someone wants to be around me that I overlook those little warning flags ... and then regret it every time...
Yes, yes, YES!!

It's like I tell myself "well if they like me and want to be around me while I weigh x, then surely they are my *real* friends." Nevermind the fact that they sabotage me, or make me doubt myself all the time. I think that people like that can smell insecurity a mile away, and they use it.

Probably the same mentality that makes me suspicious of men when I am thinner. (I am a yo-yoer big time)
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Old 03-03-2007, 07:04 PM   #11  
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I think that no matter what your size, if you are a kind person, toxic people are attracted to you. They know that we nice people are the type of people who they can pick on to make themselves feel better; we are easy targets. We are so reluctant to say anything back because we dont want to hurt anyone or lose our friends...the problem is they arent really our friends. Like I said before, there's nothing wrong with us, its the people who need to cut others down to make themselves feel good who have the problems!!
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Old 03-03-2007, 10:14 PM   #12  
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YES!!!

they all want their "fat friend" to make them feel better about themselves. no one likes competition.

sigh!
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Old 03-04-2007, 12:16 PM   #13  
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it is kinda nice to have those people around in small doses sometimes. Reminds me that it is gross to tear someone else down to make me feel better. and then i think about what they will be thinking when i am down another 30 pounds and still the nice person I was when I was hiding in a layer of fat. it makes me smile.
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