[veggielover]

Originally Posted by Lifeguard

Sometimes it's just not about you. Yes, the sensitivity & support should run both ways but let's face the person who is "worse off" is often going to take it personally.

Unfortunately, it's sometimes assumed that the bigger friend's feeling matters more than that of the smaller friend's. I understand mandalinn's words because I feel as if everyone has fat days. Yes, they should be respectful towards others' feelings, but on fat days, a lot of tantrums don't allow space for considerations of feelings. Well, perhaps its like this for me. I would hate telling my friend whose a size 16 that I gained weight during christmas even though its almost always true, but she's also the one constantly trying to shove an extra plate of food down my throat taking advantage of the fact that I do gain weight. Of course, I can't simply state this fact " I gained 8 lbs last christmas" because I have to hide weight discussions from her. But there are days when I honestly feel BLOATED beyond words. SHould I find another friend that's my own size to talk about it with? I don't feel like talking to anyone but my best friends; sadly I never get the chance to, so it all builds up and I vent here at 3FC, where there are women larger than I am who would probably criticize me for complaining since I am at a healthy weight. I wish there was a compromise, but now I generally don't speak about it at all because I'm too darn reluctant to be careless of other people's feelings. This only makes me feel awful when I readthe many "fat friend" discussions around here. I mean, there are some people who honestly have horrible friends for support, like the skinny friends that constantly mock them and deter weightloss efforts, but then there are just skinny friends that whine as everyone normally does. I don't interpret the question of "do you think I'm getting fat" as anything other than stated, but I also know that not everyone feels the way I do on this matter...

[OptimistK]

What insults me are the people who tell me I'm not fat and don't need to lose weight, accept yourself the way you are, blah, blah, blah. Now that i'm starting my WL they're having a FIT!

[Kery]

I used to feel a little angry about skinny girls whining about gaining 1-2 pounds, I admit. But then... I started to wonder, "well, maybe if *I* had whined about 1-2 pounds as well when it was still time, maybe I wouldn't have piled on them and become really fat?". In the world of fat, I honestly think that no matter our weight, if we're having a fat day, we're having a fat day, and feel distressed about it all the same. (And now that I've lost some of my weight, I confirm that when you're lighter, 1-2 lbs 'feels' like, say, 6-8 from when you were heavier. It's not just vanity whining, or whatever I might call it. You can really feel it if you're paying even the slightest attention.)

Of course, the fishing-for-compliment attitude sucks. And I agree that's a whole different thing. Although at times, maybe it's not always easy to separate one attitude from the other?

[stiebena]

Hi Guys,

Just a thought along the same lines as mandalinn.

My three best friends are bigger than I am. At my heaviest, I was still the smallest of the four of us. I try to abstain from talking about dieting and weight related stuff in front of them, because it makes me feel kind of stupid. BUT, that doesn't mean that I don't have days where I feel terrible about the way I look, and where I feel fat and ugly. When I ask them or say my boyfriend if I look fat, its not because I'm fishing for compliments, its because I need reassurance. Because I have horribly low self-esteem, and I feel like crud about myself. So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is just because you're small doesn't mean you're happy with yourself. Self-esteem problems don't discriminate between sizes. Just because your skinny friends "shouldn't" have self esteem problems, doesn't mean they don't

[watchhershrink]

Originally Posted by stiebena

its not because I'm fishing for compliments, its because I need reassurance.

thats kind of the same thing... i think thats what the thread is about. people dont fish for compliments if they dont need reassurance and generally it is a mark of low self esteem. im not putting you down, im just trying to explain.
when someone says 'im ugly' just to be reassured that they are not... it is fishing for a compliment. and if they say it to someone who actually is ugly, it is not only fishing, it is careless.

now the poster who has talked about her struggles on both sides of fat, has a definite point. but i think what she mentioned (ie backfat at the wedding) were legitimate concerns on her part, she wasnt just saying something in order to be reassured that she was incorrect.

[mandalinn82]

I just wanted to share my own experiences, because I'll tell you, it sucks to raise a genuine concern (this happened with backfat at the wedding, as well as, of all things, the fact that my knee brace was visible through my jeans and I said "Maybe my jeans are too tight to wear with the brace", which wasn't related to weight AT ALL), and have people tell you to shut up because you're skinny.

OK, so I'm really curious now, because I try to be courteous to other people, and really don't want to hurt anyones feelings. Does wording matter? Is there a difference between me saying to a heavier friend "I feel so fat today" and "Ugh, I AM so fat?"

[watchhershrink]

i would say that yes, wording does matter. i dont get offended as easily anymore but when i did it definitly mattered exactly what was being said. every person has the right to feel whatever they feel. saying that you feel fat sounds to me like you understand that maybe youre not so fat, you just feel that way right now. saying that you ARE fat implies that according to your standards you are fat, and that can imply that according to your standards (if i am bigger than you) i am fat. but i cant project your feelings onto myself, so 'i feel fat' makes it clear to me that you dont mean anything other than just that... you feel fat.

i have a friend who has recently joined me in losing weight, and she does geniunly feel fat, i dont think she is fat, and she is much smaller than i am, but its not hard at all to encourage her, and she has yet to offend me.
i also have a friend who is much smaller than i am and genuinly (according to her actions and words) feels like she is beautiful and hot and amazing (which she is) but whenever she is not recieving attention, will state that she is so fat.
im sure you can see the difference.

[mandalinn82]

I'm good then! I pretty much stick to the "I feel fat" statements, and then only when I really do (not because I want people to pay attention). As long as the wording makes a difference, then I'm golden :-)

[veggielover]

Originally Posted by mandalinn82

Does wording matter? Is there a difference between me saying to a heavier friend "I feel so fat today" and "Ugh, I AM so fat?"

You know, I don't interpret much to wording when I hear things because I respond on impulse, but yes, wording does matter. I don't feel fat all the time, maybe just on particular days , and I would need to let my friends know that I don't think I'm fat all the time.

Still.... I feel the need to vent here and there.

[redlight]

Originally Posted by mandalinn82

Does wording matter? Is there a difference between me saying to a heavier friend "I feel so fat today" and "Ugh, I AM so fat?"

Yes, wording matters. There's a big difference between those two statements.

[SavingServo]

Originally Posted by mandalinn82

OK, so I'm really curious now, because I try to be courteous to other people, and really don't want to hurt anyones feelings. Does wording matter? Is there a difference between me saying to a heavier friend "I feel so fat today" and "Ugh, I AM so fat?"

Huge difference. "I feel so fat today" means I feel fat, it's a feeling not a state of being like the 2nd one. Everyone is entitled to feel that way once and a while. But saying "I am so fat" implies that you are fat and by extension everyone fatter than you must have a super case of fat.

[girl81]

Originally Posted by CookieMonster416

I probably know why your size 00 friend is being the most supportive. I have a friend that is a size 00, and she cannot gain weight. And I know all of you out there have no sympathy for this girl who can eat whatever she wants and not work out, but this might change your perspective. She has to take hormone pills and occasionally hormone injections so that she doesn't keep losing and can menstruate. She looks like a skeleton and everyone whispers about her behind her back or even sometimes right in front of her that she is anorexic. I tried shopping with her and while I left with 10 different outfits she couldn't find a single thing. I am a more typical body type than her so anything she wears has to be custom made which is an absolute fortune.

I think it is so important for others to realize this. Discrimination, cruelty, and disrespect are not acceptable, yet they seem to go on freely towards people who are underweight. Never assume their life is easier or that their plight is chosen.

[JellyBelly1908]

Originally Posted by BrokenButterfly

Ahh..The skinny friend.

I would always get the feeling they were looking at themselves and complaining..then looking at me for the "You're not fat" response, simply because they KNEW I was fatter than them anyways so I'd have to say something along the lines of that.." You are sooo not fat, I'm fat.." blah blah blah. It was a way to pump themselves up and reassure themselves that they were, indeed, thinner than me, and therefore better, in some way.

I completely agree. One of my friends won't stop complaining that she gained 10 lbs -- going form 105 to 115 and from a size 0 to a size 2. (The weight actually looks good on her. Her sternum, ribs, and spinal column aren't as prominent as they used to be, and she has boobs now.) Yet she won't stop with the fat talk.

The last time she asked if I thought she was fat, I told her that I believed she was huge and to stop stuffing her piehole with Twinkies. Issue resolved.

[endlessly]

THIS is the reason why I refuse to have any friends!
LOL.

Great friends/people really don't dis others based on their looks,size, color, religion,sexual preference..I would think about getting new friends.