[BabyBrownEyes]

Alright, so my BF bought me my engagement ring today and so I thought it would be a good day to talk to my dad and tell him we were talking about getting married. My BF is a little slow learning-wise but is a great guy and I love him so much. We've been on and off for 4 years...but mostly together during that time. We thought it was about time. Doug, my BF, insists on talking to my dad and asking for his blessing...I can't talk him out of it.

My dad said he will not give his blessing and basically if he can stop it...he will. All because my BF doesn't make a ton of money and is a little slow and doesn't go to church regularly. I'm so distressed because I know this is the man I want to be with the rest of my life and I'm so scared he's going to get scared off when he talks to my dad. I don't know what to do. I'm so sad that I can't eat and don't want to eat.

My heart feels like it's being tugged continuously out of my chest. Any advice...or encouraging words? I need them.

[lalique]

Wow thats a sticky situation...

If I were you, I would try to talk to your dad, and get him to agree with everything.

[BabyBrownEyes]

Originally Posted by lalique

Wow thats a sticky situation...

If I were you, I would try to talk to your dad, and get him to agree with everything.

I already tried this....when a dad has decided...they've decided. ..................

I'm going to go burry my head in my pillow and go to sleep so I dont' have to think about it... Maybe there will be some encouraging, helpful words here in the morning.

*big tearful sigh*

[shelby897]

Can your boyfriends parent's maybe talk to your dad? Do you still live with your parents? That would definitely complicate it. Can your mom talk to your dad or is she on his side? And, just curious -- how old are you? I think that is very respectful of your boyfriend to want to talk to your dad -- I'm impressed -- good luck

[moxiesd]

A sad situation to be sure. Maybe your dad is concerned that you won't be able to financially manage....can you????
You might want to talk to your BF and explain that your dad is dead set against this engagement, then, together you need to do some role playing about what your dad might say, and how he should respond. That way at least your BF will be prepared for possible outcomes and not met with too many surprises. Like....how will he handle it if dad says ".......". If BF can't convince dad then what will you do and how will you handle it. Maybe come up with a sensible leave taking senario, as in "I understand your concerns Mr. ....; and I hope that in time we can talk about this again." or what ever you choose to say. That way you won't have caused anymore damage by leaving in anger, and after all.....family is important to both of you, therefore important to avoid an all out 3rd world war.

To avoid too big of a confrontation....maybe you could arrange to not be at dad's house when he goes to talk with him....that way you would prevent a flair up of tempers, tears, and tantrums, and you could more clearly pick up the peices and move on.

Have you talked about how you will live and what kind of finances are necessary to keep yourselves solvent. Don't know how old you two are, so don't know how much life experience you have had dealing with living on your own. Good luck!!

[MAMA2CHUNKEYMONKEY]

IMPO, you're a grown up. Love who you want. Your dad can get over it, or he can not get over it - that's his choice and you need to separate that from your decisions in life.

[maalisse]

Congrats on your engagement!

As for your Dad's concerns, there are two possibilities. One is that he is concerned because he is seeing the big picture with years of wisdom and experience, and is worried about his daughter for genuine reasons. The other is that he is being totally unreasonable and irrational, maybe because he doesn't want to lose his baby girl. It sounds like you feel it is the second option, but you may want to talk to him calmly and rationally and get him to explain what his concerns are. If he's childish about it, then you know that it's HIS problem, not yours...but if he is calm and explains his viewpoint, I'd recommend that you listen and think about it (even if you don't like it).

Just saying this because I'm remembering all the times my Dad ticked me off, and it turns out that he was right, even if he wasn't approaching things in the best manner. Besides, if you listen to your Dad's concerns and come up with rational ways to assuage his fears, then you have a good chance of convincing him that your engagement deserves his blessing.

It's sweet that your fiance wants to talk to your Dad. I think moxiesd's suggestion about roleplaying is dead on the money!

I'm sorry you're encountering so much stress during a time when you should be celebrating. I hope it all blows over soon.

[BabyBrownEyes]

Thanks for all the responses guys...

to answer a few questions...I am 22 and Doug is soon to be 26 this October. He and my brother are Best friends and their birthdays are actually on the same day, October 21st. Convenient, huh?

Yes, he's worried about the financial aspect....jobs are not good in Michigan right now...I hate it. But the fact that he's had the same job for 4 years I think it good..he's stable. I don't think two people have to be well off to get married....I know you have to at LEAST be able to make ends meet. But we're just talking about engagement here. Some people stay engaged for a couple of years and so on. I'm not saying that's what we're talking about, but it's a possibility because we both know there are some things we want to learn together still.

I appreciate my father's concern, I really do...I know he loves me and I know I'm daddy's girl. He's pretty much set on the idea that I should not and could not marry him. I know it's my decision in the long-run, but lets be honest.....all girls want their daddy's blessing. I think the role-playing is a good idea and I will be talking to Doug about it. He could really use some help to know what he's against. I just didn't think my dad would be like this considering he and my mom were both making piddly wages at Kmart 30 years ago when they got married...then again cost of living was not so high.

I do live with my parents...I was living on my own, but hated it. My family has always been around...whether extended or close and I couldn't stand being by myself all the time...got boring too much.

Much of my dad's argument was that he's slow and he's never going to be able to be the leader of the household and if he is, then it's going to be hard for me to follow him and stuff like that. He's also upset because Doug is still on probation (off in October) for some things that happened in highschool. He was almost off a couple times, but then got in trouble again. Getting in trouble can mean a speeding ticket or anything...you have to be really good to stay off of probation. His father's story as to why is on probation is different than Doug's....so my dad says that he doesn't even know Doug and can't say "yeah marry him" when he may have a juvenile record with something bad on it.

*sigh*..there is a little more info. I had such a bad night thinking about everything..

[shelby897]

So it's just a dad worried about his little girl!! You sound so level headed and prepared. Our parent's are still in the mind set that the man should run the house!! It's cute, but annoying. I have a friend who had a great job when they had kids, so her husband stayed home and took care of them while she worked -- drives everyone crazy!!

You have to do what works for you and your "future husband". Just think of this as practice for marriage -- you and your boyfriend practicing a united front, approaching every problem as a team. And, an engagement is just more of a committment than dating -- a step towards marriage. Remind your dad that your not moving out, running away, etc. You will still be living at home, having the same job etc.

I'm sure the probabation is probably a big part of it -- your boyfriend really needs to clear that up and stay out of trouble (parking tickets and all!!) to continue to prove to your dad that he is "worthy" of daddy's little girl!!!

So many reasons why dad is thinking this -- I agree with the role playing -- try to come up with every reason you dad may have and a logical explanation to help relax him and then your conversation should go much easier and not become an arguement with you defending yourself. Maybe have the conversation at a restaurant or somewhere else on neutral ground!!

Good luck and congrats!!!

[bargoo]

You and your fiance are both of age, You mjght remind your father of this. I am concerned that your father says that he is slow? What does he mean by that? Does he mean he is ******ed? Does your dad have facts saying he is slow or is that just his idea?

[BabyBrownEyes]

Originally Posted by bargoo

You and your fiance are both of age, You mjght remind your father of this. I am concerned that your father says that he is slow? What does he mean by that? Does he mean he is ******ed? Does your dad have facts saying he is slow or is that just his idea?

Doug has a learning disability..just takes him a little longer than other people to get the grasp of things. He learns best visually.

Let me tell you it is a lot harder to get your dad's blessing when everyone in their church leadership is against it and tells your father it's not a good idea. *sigh*

I'm so sick of hearing what other people have to say...I know I have to deal with it, but there comes a point when people need to realize it's not their life...it is my own and we need to make our own decisions...what is best for us.

Everyone starts out differently. I go to my parents church and have been asked to meet with the pastor because he can't "support me going into a bad marriage".


ugh...*sniffle* I can't wait to see Doug tonight and talk about all this! I feel like I'm carrying a 50 lb bag of potatoes on my back and I want to fall down and cry!

[kaplods]

As a former probation officer I can tell you that your statement "Getting in trouble can mean a speeding ticket or anything...you have to be really good to stay off of probation," is completely false. A speeding ticket will NOT revoke or extend your probation. In many areas of the country, the new offense has to be WORSE than the original offense to revoke or extend probation.

Court systems in most areas are extremely overcrowded, so they don't waste their time extending probations on petty offenses. I often couldn't even get Judges to keep probation violators on probation for their entire original sentence. Basically if you didn't have a violent offense while on probation, you would get early release from probation.

Michigan might be a little different than Illinois, but I wouldn't expect by enough that a "parking ticket" would extend a person's probation - especially a juvenile offense. They're generally treated more leniently than adult offenses, as judges want to keep them seperate. Juvenile offenses aren't a matter of public record, adult offenses are. So rather than extend a juvenile's record, they would close the juvenile file and charge him with a new offense.

No jurisdiction is going to keep a 26 year old man on JUVENILE probation. So I would strongly suspect that Doug is lying to you. Go to the courthouse and ask for his criminal record. If there are ANY violent offenses, do not accept his proposal - the risk is too great.

[junebug41]

Originally Posted by kaplods

Go to the courthouse and ask for his criminal record. If there are ANY violent offenses, do not accept his proposal - the risk is too great.

I think this is very sound advice.

[cbmare]

Originally Posted by kaplods

Go to the courthouse and ask for his criminal record. If there are ANY violent offenses, do not accept his proposal - the risk is too great.

I didn't realize we could do this! Hmmm! This is very sound advice.

Is there a way to check online for it?

[StillTryin]

You can do criminal background checks online for a few bucks, usually under $40, I would suggest doing something just to keep your future in check.

I can not say anything negative about his learning disability. I too am married to a man who is Extremely intelligent, however struggled through high school and barely finished. But that in no way means he is stupid, just just learns differently. He is a reader and has gained the respect of most everyone in our community. I am a teacher and can say that I am fairly "let down" by the way the schools treated him (but that was back in the 60's & 70's).

Good luck!