Rant about men and the questionable/stupid things they say
I had a date yesterday and of course, since we were at Starbucks, I had to mention that I'm on a diet, and he responds, as so many men I have come across have said, "oh, you're fine." What exactly does THAT mean? Does that mean I'm not too fat that he wouldn't date me, or that he does think I could stand to lose a few, or that he really does think that I'm fine the way I am? Why do guys say that? I've never heard, "oh, you look great -- you don't need to lose a pound, are you kidding me?" That's what I want to hear And I've never heard it. The only guys who have said anything similar are the ones that know I weighed over 300 pounds, but they've still been rude about it. One guy said (when I said something negative about my weight), "you look great now, look at what you used to look like." I was peeved about that. And the other said, exasperatedly, "how could have wasted your good looks looking like that (when I was over 300). That really hurt. What idiots. Don't they think before they open their mouths. Those are not copliments. And then I see my ex-boyfriend today, and he asks me about my walking partner (who's very thin), "is she skinny like you and trying to keep it off? That's so patronizing. I know he's doing that to ruffle my feathers. Boo men.
By the way, those 2 who made the stupid comments were refused second chances with me -- but the date yesterday went very well, and he just called me And even though he annoys me with his little jabs (I get mine in too ), I love my ex to death (we have a very close ex bf/gf friendship). He's an amazing supporter and encourager.
Believe it or not HarpoChicoGroucho, most of the time when we say our wives/girlfriends look fine it's because to us they DO! I don't focus on my wife's weight, hair, etc...I look at her "completely" she always looks FINE to me, no matter the weight, clothes, hair, etc. I didn't fall in love with her based on a certain number on the scale. My wife is not overweight, however, I suppose if she was and mentioned something about losing weight "you look fine" may not be appropriate...but looking at your "SUCCESS" in your loss column...well, I think that when the young man said you look fine...he meant just that! Give him a chance
In guy language, "you're fine" is a compliment, which is annoying. I don't want a "you're fine", I want a YOU LOOK SO ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. Ok, maybe not, but you get the drift.
My roommate in my dorm last year got gastric bypass over winter break and was very self conscious about her weight. We had a guy friend down the hall who would say the most heartless and cruel things to her not realizing how horrible what he said was. The guy was just ******ed. Like once she was talking about auditioning for an a capella group on campus and he said something like, "You're a big girl so you have much bigger lungs." Not only is that ridiculous and untrue, but it's just so mean. He also said that she could crush him.
I don't think men are stupid or heartless, they just speak a different language. The only man I have ever met who spoke "girl" is gay. Having girl tendencies, but being raised in a traditional (Mennonite yet) home, I guess you can say he is bilingual. Many times he has translated "guy" into "girl" for me. I know I would have seen my husband through very different eyes, if my friend hadn't on several occasions translated for me.
Unless they're vain themselves, most guys don't see fat in the same way we do. Unless you're hugely overweight, and often not even then, it isn't seen as such a terrible thing. It's kind of like if a friend told us she wanted to move a freckle on her cheek a half inch to the left. We wouldn't say, "You look amazing don't you dare move that freckle a milimeter". We'd say, "It looks fine where it is, why would you want to move it?"
My husband is a big guy, so when we were first dating, I sort of assumed he was dating me because he didn't think he had a chance with thin girls (who was being stupid and rude with that one, luckily I never said that to him). Then I learned that one of his ex-girlfriends was a "smokin hot" blonde, and noticed that women of all sizes flirt with him alot (even when I'm standing there, which amuses him and annoys me to no end), because he's so outgoing and friendly. He just really is more interested in the whole package than the wrapping.
Whenever I think my husband is just being a jerk, I try to remember he's the same guy that makes up songs (horrible, non-rhyming off-key songs) about how beautiful and wonderful I am and sings them to me in the car or to wake me up in the morning.
Whenever I think my husband is just being a jerk, I try to remember he's the same guy that makes up songs (horrible, non-rhyming off-key songs) about how beautiful and wonderful I am and sings them to me in the car or to wake me up in the morning.
Yours does that too huh? Must be a guy thing
Harpo - I think your new guy sounds like a great guy! How many times have you said something to someone and then thought I think guys do have a hard time communicating with us girlies because we tend to over analyse a little bit about language. And I also agree with Ilene STUPID PILLS
It's sweet and I do appreciate the sentiments, but sometimes it's hard to keep a straight face! He'd never make it onto American Idol, that's for sure!
I had a date yesterday and of course, since we were at Starbucks, I had to mention that I'm on a diet, and he responds, as so many men I have come across have said, "oh, you're fine." What exactly does THAT mean?How about...you look fine! Does that mean I'm not too fat that he wouldn't date me, he is dating you right? or that he does think I could stand to lose a few,according to your chart YOU think you could lose a few pounds... or that he really does think that I'm fine the way I am?Isn't that what he said... Why do guys say that? Still not sure what is WRONG with it...I've never heard, "oh, you look great -- you don't need to lose a pound,But even you think you should lose more than a few... are you kidding me?" That's what I want to hear....but it doesn't seem to be true (according to YOUR chart) And I've never heard it......... What idiots......SO? Don't they think before they open their mouths.Not too often!
This thread has really bothered me...thank goodness I am married and don't have to worry about what I say around a date...but my goodness...what is a guy to do?
Charo -- just want to say that I doubt that dorm guy has a girlfriend... and no wonder!
Gary, I don't think you should take it too personally... I get the feel that Harpo is just having a good old fashioned vent with the gals. I don't at all mean that your opinion should be excluded -- on the contrary, I love that we have your male voice on this thread -- but I don't see this as a male bash... more like dating frustration! I teach and vent all the time to other teachers about my students (teenagers) but that doesn't mean I don't love them to death. Maybe the case here is similar.
Harpo - I agree with the others... don't give up. He may not be the one... or maybe he is. It could've nerves or who knows what. However if you give him a little more time and still just hear "you're fine," it may be time to look elsewhere. In my own experience, I had an ex (for many years) who rarely complimented me. Not sure if he truly didn't notice things (appearance, my cooking, whatever) or if he didn't think I needed compliments. Fact was, I did need compliments, and I had to 'fish' to get any. Somehow they just didn't mean as much then. Even after explaining this to him he never got it. My husband, on the other hand, will look at me when I'm sweaty, grungey, in house-cleaning mode (as I was yesterday) and say sincerely, "Babe, you're HOT. Do you know how beautiful you are?" Sometimes a girl does need more than 'oh, you're fine... order the full fat latte."
Good luck, Harpo... I know you know there ARE great guys out there or you wouldn't be out there trying!
Claire - Me too! We'll be married 5 years in November.
We went to Shrek 3 tonight. We don't have "a song," (unless you count his invented "I have a Sexy Wife" song), but we do have a movie, and Shrek is it.
The movie came out just before our wedding, and we were looking all over for Shrek figures to use as our cake topper, but we never could find "ogre Fiona" only skinny princess Fiona. I was so bummed.
By the way, I won't say it's as good as the previous movies, but it was still lots of fun, and surprisingly good for a threequel.
Harpo, I understand what you're saying. I also want to hear "you look great" not "you're fine". My DH tells me all the time "we make a beautiful couple". I really don't like that saying. IMHO, since he never said it when I was fat, it implies that I now match up to HIS beautifulness. LOL. Of course, he never belittled me or my wt. issues before, just that when he brags of how "pretty" we look now, it rubs a sore spot with me.
Rant about men and the questionable/stupid things they say
And I've never heard it. The only guys who have said anything similar are the ones that know I weighed over 300 pounds, but they've still been rude about it. One guy said (when I said something negative about my weight), "you look great now, look at what you used to look like." I was peeved about that. And the other said, exasperatedly, "how could have wasted your good looks looking like that (when I was over 300). That really hurt. What idiots. Don't they think before they open their mouths. Those are not copliments. And then I see my ex-boyfriend today, and he asks me about my walking partner (who's very thin), "is she skinny like you and trying to keep it off? That's so patronizing. I know he's doing that to ruffle my feathers. Boo men. 
And even though he annoys me with his little jabs (I get mine in too 
), I love my ex to death (we have a very close ex bf/gf friendship). He's an amazing supporter and encourager.
... We have to take those comments with a grain of salt...
Nah, his second language is English -- American slang confuses him 
I think guys do have a hard time communicating with us girlies because we tend to over analyse a little bit about language. And I also agree with Ilene 
STUPID PILLS 
