Feeling bulimic, but taking responsibility starting now
I’ve been feeling bulimic lately. In the past few weeks, I’ve thrown up probably 10 times, maybe more. Often times this is pre-meditated purging (i.e. binging knowing very well that I was going to throw up a few minutes later). The first few incidents it was kind of empowering, I felt very much in control. Throwing up is not the most glamorous feeling in the world, but after expunging food via my mouth, I felt strangely accomplished – at least at first. More recently, I’ve felt a bit out of control. I think the “binge/purge planning sessions” that I was having were beginning to freak me out. A few times I was saved from purging just b/c I didn’t truly have opportunity: there were too many people around, I was at work and couldn’t hide the sound of gagging within the stalls, I was on the road… Today I was leaving work to run an errand. My food thoughts were pretty high b/c I was being a bit restrictive based on the fact that I had a weigh-in later that day. As I got into my car, my mind started racing, scheming for things that I could eat while in the privacy of my car. Moreover, I began thinking about eating even more if I could just find a place to throw up… McDonald’s Bathroom? Starbucks bathroom? On the side of the road? Luckily, I was running a bit behind schedule. Luckily, the thought of throwing up in a Mickey D’s was horrifying. No time for a binge/vomit episode. After work is generally the time I’m most at risk of vomiting. I’m tired, sometimes stressed. From 5-7 I am generally the only person at my house. I’m alone to eat as much as I want; I’m alone to puke my guts out. All of this can happen in a matter of half an hour. When finished, I take a quick shower, brush my teeth and head to the gym – brand new. Sometimes on the way to the gym I get sad and feel like to cry.
Today at the gym, as I awaited my training appointment, I read in my Oprah Magazine about an on-line web community called 3 fat chicks on diet. (As a side, I don’t usually read articles in the Oprah Magazine. I usually just buy it for the cover – Oprah looks soo freakin good!) Today, I am comforted in the knowledge that others have issues with binging – I am not the only one. Today, I am reflective as I consider personal stories of pain, suffering and even death that have occurred as a consequence of bulimia. Today, I will make a promise to myself: I will not to throw up, puke, or purge. Today, I will take responsibility for my eating, good or bad.
Welcome to the community, hon. We're always glad to have new people.
It sounds like you're going to have a hard road ahead; stuff like that is always pretty difficult to conquer. But I have the utmost faith in your resolve and your ability to follow through. Keep posting about it, keep talking about it. Keep yourself accountable by posting here - there was one person, I don't remember who it was, who had developed this really bad peanut butter habit. So she posted about it here, and posted her vow to eat only exactly how much she measured for her sandwich and NOTHING straight out of the jar, and every day for about a week or so she came on and posted exactly what she'd done with the peanut butter. By the end of that time, she'd conquered it, and was doing fine. The accountability was key, and I get the feeling it will be very important for you to have that as well.
I am a bulimic, but have not purged for four years. Believe me, it DOESN'T help you lose weight, and it screws with your body chemistry, and ruins your stomach lining, and wears away the enamel at your back teeth, and a whole host of other things. I'm glad to see you've vowed to yourself to stop. It's the best thing you could do, and don't convince yourself otherwise.
You made a wonderful choice to come here to 3FC! As others have said, this place has so many people with SO MUCH experience with weight loss, various issues surrounding weight loss, and understanding of all that weight loss requires from a person. You will find support here, and that can make a tremendous amount of difference!
I do not know whether you are a believer in the power of prayer, but if you are, I would encourage you to seek guidance there, too. I certainly will be praying for you, Sunshine! You choosing to READ the article about 3FC was NO COINCIDENCE! I believe that we are led to wonderful things every day. Miracles happen often!
God Bless You, Sunshine! This will work out for you, and you will gain the strength to fight this!
Thanks to everyone for their comments and words of support - it means a lot. For the past few days, I've been logging in every now and then to read and re-read your responses, particularly when I've felt the urge to purge. I do feel as though I need to be honest though and admit that Friday night I vomited. Maybe it is time to get some counseling... Isn't it crazy though? When I think of individuals having eating disorders, I picture a very thin woman. Not a 200 pound girl like me. Anyway, today (Saturday) was vomit-free.
Yes, I'd second your thought on counseling. Go check it out. It can't hurt! And truly, anyone of any size can have an eating disorder. Help is available, why not get some?
Yes! Counseling would be a huge step for you. I have promised to stop so many times. It's just not an easy thing to do. When I was younger I was hospitalized 2x for bulimia, and went to therapy and it was still hard!
I stopped for nearly 15 years, and lately it is showing it's ugly head all over again. I immediately got myself back into therapy!
I'm glad you came here, it does help a lot to talk to other that have been or are going through it too.
Congrats on your success so far! It won't happen overnight, but with hard work you can overcome it!
There's an article in the march issue of Elle magazine where one former model whose now in her 40s explains how eating disorders like anorexia come back as a pyschological thing, a thing over control, as opposed to just weight lost. It's interesting really... I used to be very compulsive with my eating habits and very cynical of my body, but now when I look back at my teen years, I say to myself "How in the world was I so messed up in my view?" I can't even begin as to how I could even get back to that state even if I was crazy enough to do it again (thank God that a side effect of living life is development a BRAIN for once). I found the final way to control myself- to stop thinking about it, and use intuition, or what is natural to me. It's natural for water loss and water gain throughout the month, it normal to be bloated, and its natural to have an appetite. I'm simply free.
I hope you find your path and achieve your goals. When you get there you'll look back and laugh at it ever being hard in your eyes.
Feeling bulimic, but taking responsibility starting now
We're always glad to have new people. 
