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Old 02-23-2007, 02:14 AM   #1
sunshine08's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 5

S/C/G: 238/225/140

Height: 5 feet 5 inches

Default Feeling bulimic, but taking responsibility starting now

Iíve been feeling bulimic lately. In the past few weeks, Iíve thrown up probably 10 times, maybe more. Often times this is pre-meditated purging (i.e. binging knowing very well that I was going to throw up a few minutes later). The first few incidents it was kind of empowering, I felt very much in control. Throwing up is not the most glamorous feeling in the world, but after expunging food via my mouth, I felt strangely accomplished Ė at least at first. More recently, Iíve felt a bit out of control. I think the ďbinge/purge planning sessionsĒ that I was having were beginning to freak me out. A few times I was saved from purging just b/c I didnít truly have opportunity: there were too many people around, I was at work and couldnít hide the sound of gagging within the stalls, I was on the roadÖ Today I was leaving work to run an errand. My food thoughts were pretty high b/c I was being a bit restrictive based on the fact that I had a weigh-in later that day. As I got into my car, my mind started racing, scheming for things that I could eat while in the privacy of my car. Moreover, I began thinking about eating even more if I could just find a place to throw upÖ McDonaldís Bathroom? Starbucks bathroom? On the side of the road? Luckily, I was running a bit behind schedule. Luckily, the thought of throwing up in a Mickey Dís was horrifying. No time for a binge/vomit episode. After work is generally the time Iím most at risk of vomiting. Iím tired, sometimes stressed. From 5-7 I am generally the only person at my house. Iím alone to eat as much as I want; Iím alone to puke my guts out. All of this can happen in a matter of half an hour. When finished, I take a quick shower, brush my teeth and head to the gym Ė brand new. Sometimes on the way to the gym I get sad and feel like to cry.

Today at the gym, as I awaited my training appointment, I read in my Oprah Magazine about an on-line web community called 3 fat chicks on diet. (As a side, I donít usually read articles in the Oprah Magazine. I usually just buy it for the cover Ė Oprah looks soo freakin good!) Today, I am comforted in the knowledge that others have issues with binging Ė I am not the only one. Today, I am reflective as I consider personal stories of pain, suffering and even death that have occurred as a consequence of bulimia. Today, I will make a promise to myself: I will not to throw up, puke, or purge. Today, I will take responsibility for my eating, good or bad.

Very excited to be a part of this community!
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