[Nikaia]

Wow. This is depressing. My bf and I are in a long distance relationship - California to Tennessee - and so when we're together, we try to take pictures and stuff. We'd been talking about whether or not he had any decent pics of me hanging around (after trying to scrounge up pics of me WITHOUT a gun in hand to post on here ) and tonight, he found a whole folder, taken just before New Years, and emailed them to me.

I wanted to cry. I looked at those pictures and my biggest thought was, that's not MY face, that's a fat person's face! I don't look like that. I'm not supposed to look like that....do I really look like that? You could SEE the extra fat on my face when I smiled. Chin-and-a-half (not quite a double chin, but closer than I'd like).

I really am about to cry. I hated my looks enough already. Did I really NEED to have it shoved in my face like that?

And the worst part is, he doesn't see it at all. I said something - he'd said I should post some of those, and I said, like ****! I look piggish and huge. I don't want to smile now. I don't want people to see me looking like that. Why does this have to be the face the world sees? It isn't really me. But he told me he didn't see what I was upset about. How can he not see it? The evidence is kinda staring me in my chubby face...

[cantforgetthis]

I would have to assume that's the face of the person he fell in love with...

[sweet_talker]

I'm positive that your face is beautiful. I don't have to look at you to know -- you just have to see it. I'm really sorry you feel that way about your face, but don't stop smiling.

I saw your posted pictures in another thread and you looked lovely. I have a bit of a double chin in some pictures too (I usually try to destroy the evidence, though ), and yes, it bothers me, but we can't let it get us down.

I hope you feel better, you don't deserve to feel so upset.

[Nikaia]

Thank you both. I guess...my initial post was that first horrified reaction, basically. It jarred me, badly, to see those pictures. I'm not...ugly. I know that. It's just, I have this mental image of myself, and in it I'm the weight I used to be. I'm still seeing the thin person in my head, and it was a nasty shock to confront reality and be forced to realize that no, I'm not that thin person anymore.

I'm still not sure how I feel about that; if it's motivating or depressing. I'll have to give it some time. But, I just spent the past hour and some-odd playing DDR, and even though I'm still on the basic levels for everything (just got the game yesterday) it gets my heart going. So I'm glad I went that way instead of to the pantry.

Oh, and Karen...thanks for the perspective. Almost made me cry, but...heh. He doesn't really see the imperfections that I see. He just sees me. And (for some unknown reason, although he'd be mad if he saw me saying that ) he does love me. So I'll just let it go at that, I guess.

Off for another few songs (which will probably turn into just one more, and one more, and one more, for the next half hour). Again...thank you.