I had an ED about 10 years ago. I started off at about 180 and ended up being 114. The problem was that I was also modeling and that weight looked good in the photos. It didn't look good on me though and I had to hide the bones that stuck out of my body. I'm 5'8" and medium boned so this look was not good on me. I used to work out 2x a day - once in the morning and then I would wait for the shift change to occure and again in the afternoon. I ran for at least an hour a day and, if I didn't burn a certain amount of calories, I kept working out until I did. My daily intake was one orange. If I ate *anything* else that I thought to be inappropriate (besides a few lettuce leaves or any amount more than 1/2 cup), my finger was down my throat.
I was in university at the time as a psychology major. I was angry with myself for not recognizing the symptoms. I just remember learning about it and reading about it and thinking "that's not me. That applies to other people, but it's not ME". How wrong I was.
I did receive some therapy and the problem is based in a general anxiety disorder which now presents itself as panic attacks - which, believe me, is better than the ED. Still scary, but also in tx for that now too... whew....
It bothers me that I still struggle with this. I'm 36 years old and every once in a while have the urge to purge. Especially when I find my eating getting out of control due to anxiety or lack of feeling of control in other areas of my life.
What bothers me the most though is that I still have a sense of "self-perception deception". I look at myself naked in the mirror now and I see the same body that looked at me when I was 114 - actually it's vice-versa, I mean to say that my image of my body hasn't changed. My image of myself (who I am deep down) has changed deeply. I do love myself. Enough to not allow that ED to come back. I was on SB before and found myself getting near that head space of total control and I backed out. Dropped everything.
It is my hope that with my renewed sense of self and respect for self that I will be successful with this new attempt. That is also why I am so happy that I found this site, I think writing and sharing and listening to others who struggle with many of the same things I do will reinforce my resolve to be healthy.
Thank you for being here