[LLV]

Okay, not all, but some. Including mine.

Ever since I've lost this weight, my husband/partner (we've been together 16 years and have a 6-year-old son, but we're not technically married) has really turned into a big huge bowl of jello. Basically, what's going on, is he's feeling insecure with himself because I look better than I have in years and I go out with my best friend Kathy (whom I've known since I was 17 years old) almost every weekend. And sometimes Matthew comes with us. Which is no problem, we all have a good time. But on the weeks he knows I'm going out without him (we can't always find a babysitter) he's understanding, on one hand, and says it's okay, you go out with your friend and have a good time. But then he starts making stupid comments, almost as though he's trying to make me feel guilty for going without him.

Then just a bit ago he walks into the room and says, "Baby, I know I'm ugly and you're ashamed to be seen with me, so I'll just go down to one of those sleazy bars and have somebody shoot me."



What the **** kind of a thing is that to say?!?!? It makes me so mad I could spit nails!!!!

He's still trying to find a reason to go this Friday night. And again, I don't mind if he goes, but am I this horrible person for wanting to get the **** out of this house and go with my friends to have a good time without somebody attached to my $@!*@!???????

One weekend I actually managed to get out of here by myself and he shows up at the bar later that evening, having dumped our son off on his mom just to follow me.

We're STILL going on about this debate and he just walked out of the room and said, "Fine, if you don't wanna be with me, no problem." When just earlier today he was all sweet and said, "Not a problem, you go out with Kathy and I'll stay home with Shane."

It's crap like this that makes me wish I was single again.

UGH!!!!

Anyway, thanks for listening to me vent.

[andoreth]

Oh, I am sorry to hear that you are having this frustration.

Do the 2 of you go out together alone, just the 2 of you? To me this certainly does sound like he is feeling insecure about how you feel about him, not realizing of course that this kind of behavior makes someone LESS attractive, not more. Most of it would just make me roll my eyes, but following me to "show up" would send me through the roof!

My SO and I have it pretty easy: I hate going out, so it doesn't bother me at all to be left at home!

[LLV]

Originally Posted by andoreth

Oh, I am sorry to hear that you are having this frustration.

Do the 2 of you go out together alone, just the 2 of you? To me this certainly does sound like he is feeling insecure about how you feel about him, not realizing of course that this kind of behavior makes someone LESS attractive, not more.

Exactly.

I mean, not to sound crude, but I was thinking of waiting until our son was asleep and shutting the dogs out of the bedroom tonight () but after that comment and the way he's been acting, it's totally turned me off.

And anymore he sits up and waits for me to get off the computer. That's annoying too.

I honestly wish he'd just leave me alone.

[phantastica]

I'd say the same thing, about making sure to go out on dates with him. Mens' egos need to be managed.

[LLV]

Originally Posted by andoreth

Most of it would just make me roll my eyes, but following me to "show up" would send me through the roof!

Oh, and to comment on this - it did. I was damn mad. But I didn't show it. I acted like I was happy to see him and tried my best not to make him feel bad for showing up out of the blue like that.

[LLV]

Originally Posted by phantastica

I'd say the same thing, about making sure to go out on dates with him. Mens' egos need to be managed.

We do that. Sometimes we spend time together alone. But now and then, blast it, I just wanna get out with my friend without him tagging along.

Is that so horrible????

[andoreth]

Of course not. A relationship is two people working to build a life together, not some sort of merged dual being. We all need our individual spaces to keep ourselves strong enough to handle what life is going to throw our way.

[EZMONEY]

I sure can't help ~ I would rather be anywhere doing anything with my wife than any buddy ~ and I have some pretty good friends.

[LLV]

Originally Posted by andoreth

Of course not. A relationship is two people working to build a life together, not some sort of merged dual being. We all need our individual spaces to keep ourselves strong enough to handle what life is going to throw our way.

Thank you.

Honestly. I needed to hear that.

[LLV]

Originally Posted by EZMONEY

I sure can't help ~ I would rather be anywhere doing anything with my wife than any buddy ~ and I have some pretty good friends.

I appreciate that, sweetie. But sometimes it's just nice to get out without having someone hang all over me all the time.

And don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't enjoy going out with him because we always have fun. And it's not really even the issue of going out WITHOUT him. It's this 'clingy' behavior he's displaying that's getting on my nerves.

Like andoreth said, acting this way makes him LESS attractive to me, even though he's doing his best to gain my sympathies and attention. And when he says stupid stuff like he needs to go downtown and get himself killed... ????

Good grief!

[liz321]

We all have times in our relationships when we feel vulnerable and "needy".....and I think that is part of the give and take.

It sounds like maybe you do want to be single? Is that an option for you?

L

[Mummy_Tummy]

I can understand your frustration with him being clingy and I can definitely understand the need to get out of the house and away from the kids for awhile. But then, you say you go out almost every week end with your friend. That's not just "sometimes". I know when I can manage to rake up a babysitter for my DD, I'd rather do nothing more than spend the alone time with my husband. I can sort of understand where your partner is coming from in that if my husband went out every weekend and I was only welcome when (if) I could find a babysitter, I'd be pretty upset, too. I admit he's not handling it in the right way, with silly comments about getting himself shot but then, the time he did manage to find a sitter, you say it go on your nerves because he joined you later at the club. I wonder if you're just not very happy in your relationship and want to be single?

I truly hope this didn't come across as nasty or judgemental. I'm just replying to the situation that you posed like I would if a friend had come to me in person with the same issue.

[not2fat2bpretty]

I personally don't have a life outside of the husband, the house and the kids LOL. I do crave to be with just friends and have a light hearted no stress night! And I have gone out with a friend out to eat and we had a great time. I have been married for 13 yrs and I was 17 when we got married and I never had the opprtunity to BUCK WILD and be a party girl, and yes I do wonder what that would have been like, but I wouldn't change my life. Everyone needs individuality!! My hubby and I are best friends and he is very supportive if I want to go out and vise versa, but we have rules. We don't go to bars, parties(wild ones) or make any rash decisions(like running out and getting a tattoo or something) without eachother. I know that we can contain ourselves but sometimes it's your friends that get you into trouble. Why don't you try just going out with your friend once a month and your DH once a month. That way you get the best of both worlds and you still get time at home with your family. I know the feeling too of trying to lose weight or losing weight and your DH hasn't, and how they get insecure. My DH likes to talk about losing weight but never does anything about it. I think if anything your DH is jealous of the attention you get and you obviously are proud of your acheivement so why not flaunt it a little.

[Sandi D]

I dont know, everyone should have separate together and alone I guess, But When my husband was alive, I only wanted to be with him, I wish he was still around to be with, I miss him so.
Be careful you might get what you wish for and be alone.
sandi

[Goodbye Chubby]

I can understand your frustration with the situation, but it sounds like your man is really struggling. When he says that it's fine for you to go out with your friend, that shows that he acknowledges you as an individual and is making an effort to give you your space. However, sometimes emotions just spill out (and note: men and women think and react differently, as I'm sure you well know) and the getting shot comment was his insecurity speaking.

My boyfriend of two years is overweight and is having difficulty slimming down, and I know he feels insecure about that compared to the weight that I've lost. We do go out separately, but not every week. I don't know if cutting down the frequency of going out without your partner would feel restricting to you, but taking him out to a nice dinner every now and then might help remind him that you think he's special and that you're not going to run off with someone "better." Of course, I don't have any children, and I acknowledge that my situation is a bit simpler than yours, but the male ego is a very sensitive thing.

Also, as just a thought, you mentioned feeling the need to escape from the house, but I can see that your partner might see that as escaping from him, which can hurt.

Does he have friends that he goes out with? Maybe a boy's night out and a girl's night out on the same night could be a good compromise (assuming you can find a baby-sitter). My b/f plays on a pool league and that gives him an opportunity every week to hang out with friends. Some weeks, I go along and hang out with him and our mutual friends, and others I don't, so he has his space. I think once you both find the right balance, things will calm down. I wish you the best.