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Old 03-30-2006, 04:08 AM   #86
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The Rockies
Posts: 150


Tonight. A whole package of Oreo's. Gone.

I've been a binge eater since I was a kid. I had bouts of bulimia and restricting though just as recent as last August. I was diagnosed with ED-NOS when I was 18 because of the cycles.

I've been binge eating more lately than I have in a long time because I'm trying to transition myself to eating vegan. I made the mistake of going gung-ho and I was STARVING because I had no resources or ideas of what to cook and the nearest vegan resturant is over 50 miles away. So I felt deprived, panicked, binged and swore to do better tomorrow. Well, for 4 "tomorrow's" in a row, we had a large pizza for dinner. I even ate McDonalds (breaking my I-don't-know-how-long abstinence from them) but threw it up as soon as it hit my stomach because it grossed me out so bad. So I went home and had take-out. Lots of take-out to soothe my poor deprived self.

Thing too is that my tastes are changing and meat freaks me out now when I eat it (the hazards of studying in the medical field I suppose!) and it takes so much of my energy to digest... so I'm stuck in this cycle now of eating non-meat junk food because I'm a newbie vegan who doesn't know how to cook a filling, tasty vegan meal very well and therefore I starve without the easy junk food.

I have been playing with 5lbs the past 2-3 weeks... lose 5, gain 5, lose 5, gain 5. Argh. I don't want to quit though, but I get so frustrated I want to drown my sorrows in boxes of cookies and anything fattening.

I didn't even go to therapy today because I've yapping for a month about how good things are going and I'd feel like an idiot if I had to tell her I flushed it down the toilet because I let myself get caught up in the binge cycle in less than a week which has taken me years to get under control.

Now I feel guilty. For shirking my therapist, my commitment to myself, and therein screwing up my accomplishment of controlling the binge eating and finally being able to lose weight without starving myself or obsessing.

I know I can get back on track, but I'm a numbers girl and by my calculations I'm behind now. And I feel guilty for that, too.

I had wanted to begin the Fall semester at college in a specific size (because I need to fit into scrubs, they are no longer optional beginning the Fall semester) and unless I kick *** in my efforts to make up for the last three weeks, I won't reach that goal until a month after school starts.

Die, eating disorder, die.
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