Is it just because I am fat?? - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

shrinkingchica · 12-19-2005, 10:21 PM

I have been inspired by previous posts to post my own lovelife woes. So, I am going to bear my soul you all and reveal something that I had really never shared with anyone in my entire life (aside from my mom and best friend).
I have never had a boyfriend and now at the age of 21, I am starting to feel like there is something very wrong with me. I know that I have been overweight for a while, but it can't just be about that, can it??

Also, now that I have been losing weight, I seem to see myself as just as fat as I was to begin with. I feel terribly overweight and that if I am not thin, then I can never ever be considered pretty and will never have a man in my life. I don't think that I am particularly ugly, but I am fat. I still feel that if I can just lose some more (lots more) weight then some guy will finally like me.

I am going out on a limb and don't know exactly what I am asking for here; I guess just some support.
Sorry for the rambling, I've just been feeling a bit down about it all recently.

Bravelilchicken · 12-19-2005, 10:44 PM

I have been through that too, I was almost 21 and right at 200 lbs back when I finally had my first boyfriend. I don't think it is you being "fat" that is the problem per say, I know when I am too heavy (like now) I feel inferior to everyone else, I will let people walk me over, and just cower down trying to disappear because I am too fat. Remember that just because you are heavy ( I prefer Ruebenesque) it doesn't mean that you can't be a beautiful, strong woman You will find someone, or they will find you maybe it just isn't time for that yet. I had given up ever finding someone to love and who would love me back and as soon as I said forget it the most amazing man showed up and actually fell in love with me. I think I know how you feel and I am so sorry that you are going through this right now, it can be the most hurtful thing to feel like that.
Just my 2 pennies worth, sorry if it rambles a bit

Heather · 12-20-2005, 12:09 AM

Charlotte, you are SO not alone.

I didn't have a "boyfriend" until I was in my 30s! And no, I don't think it's onlyl\ about being fat, for me anyway it was my attitudes about myself. As a fat woman, I didn't really think I could get or deserved a boyfriend. I remember having an epiphany when I realized that lots of fat women had boyfriends! and husbands! "Why not me, too?" I thought... And lo and behold, I dated here and there and there and then got married!

carafre · 12-20-2005, 12:27 AM

Hon - we are all beautiful. We must first love ourself & see our beauty. I agree, attitude makes a difference. When you think you aren't pretty enough, that's all you believe. And it affects everything you do & touch. When I was younger, I had the same problem. I will spare you the icky details. Let's just say that when I was able to look at myself & love me (200+ lbs) things changed. When you are happy & love yourself, how can everyone else not? I wish the best for you. BTW, I know plenty of "thin" women who don't have someone special because they think they're not enough (need bigger boobs, too short ...). You are not alone! You've done so well to lose what you have!!! Enjoy yourself!

carafre

trixie-o · 12-20-2005, 03:21 AM

First of all congrats on the weight loss. I don't have a lot of experience with trying to date and being overweight. I married one of my high school sweethearts (not the sweetheart but whatever). I have found though that attitude really does make a difference. Don't make it all about "finding a man" have fun with girlfriends, talk to people you enjoy talking to. You will eventually find someone you connect with. I got married when I was 18 and personally I think it is much better to get your life somewhat set before you worry about finding a mate. I mean you are 21 so are you in college, good job?? Plan your future for you and just see what happens.
trixie

2frustrated · 12-20-2005, 04:24 AM

Okay, this is a bit offbeat, since I can kind of relate to what you're saying even though I've had a few boyfriends and I'm now engaged, but here goes.

When I was at my highest weight I used to go out clubbing all the time. I used to fake the confidence and self love, and guess what the guys like that too - they didn't know I was faking it!

So guys love a girl who loves herself. On another note, I always felt somewhat obliged to go out with any guy who showed interest in me because I always felt I couldn't afford to be picky!

You know, there might not be another guy who's interested! So that landed me with some scum-buckets but you gotta learn!

Fast forward 5 years to last weekend, when I was out with a huge group of girls, having a marvelous time, dancing around, getting giggly and having lots of fun. Now the majority of the girls in the group were rubenesque, curvacious and down right gorgeous! I was marvelling at how much fun we were having and how lovely everyone looked, even though none of us would ever make it onto the cover of Vogue. In contrast to that, there was a (painfully) thin girl partying with us and she never let her hair down. Never once got on the dance floor and raved around like she didn't care. Just an observation.

So next time you think that being thin will make you happy/attractive/solve all your problems, remember thin people are insecure too and just as likely to not attract someone. It's all in your attitude!

Here endeth the lesson!

coley144 · 12-20-2005, 05:01 AM

Hey I'm WAY fatter than you and I've never had a problem getting dates! Its not to do with your weight. Honest. Whatever your weight there will be guys that fancy you - some of them very nice.

I think its about confidence, as people have said, and being true to yourself. Just be yourself. I'm sure you're very lovable. My advice would be put some energy into getting comfortable with yourself. Have you ever read about chakras? They say that if you have 7 things in balance (looking after your physical body, expressing your emotions, feeling that you have control over your own life, being able to love yourself and others, speaking the truth, imagination and creativity, some sort of connection to the divine) you'll be happy and its true! Maybe work on those 7 things and you might find you'll be happier, thinner and find a guy! Hope this helps!

JoyfulVegGirl · 12-20-2005, 06:38 AM

Do you want it to be because you're overweight? I know that might sound weird, but hear me out. I was in your position growing up. I had a lot of friends, but I never dated or approached anyone. In my mind, I didn't even think it was an option because I was overweight. My other friends all dated and a lot of them were larger than me, but a guy being interested in ME? Never. I had crushes on people but never once followed through with it.

One day I was sitting with my sister and a friend when my sister mentioned that I had never dated or been kissed. My friend was shocked and kept asking WHY. "You're so pretty! You should get out there and meet people! I can't believe it!"

It's only looking back that I think that I used my weight partially as an excuse to cover up the fear of trying something new. I didn't think I was pretty. I didn't think there was anyone out there who would want to be with me. Everyone does things at their own pace and I just wasn't ready to deal with romance and potential rejection because my self-esteem was so low I didn't really know who I was. By the time I was ready I got very serious very fast with my current BF. It worked out well, but it could have been a disaster for me if he hadn't turned out to be the person he is. My only advice is to take your time and discover who you are and want to be. Work on being happy about yourself regardless of weight. Then work on finding a person to be with. I've seen other friends jump into things too quickly because they felt weird or pressured. Some of them turned out ok like me, and some of them had a hard learning experience from it. The ones who went into dating knowing what they wanted and were willing to accept/not accept had a better time.

This might not be you at all, but I just wanted to throw it out there in case your negative feelings about your weight are hiding other issues. Good luck!

luluswish · 12-20-2005, 08:05 AM

That's great advice from Jennifer, Work on Loving yourself first, regardless of your weight. Then, find someone to love. Just because you are overweight, does not change the wonderful person you are on the inside! You have a lot to offer someone!

Mochahontas · 12-20-2005, 08:35 AM

Okay everyone saying that losing weight is hard is an understatement but I do have something for you all to try...now before you go and say "ahhh just one more diet plan that will fail"-here me out

This menu that I'm about to give you has been the help of me losing 40 lbs in under 3 months (20 lbs in 1 month and 1 week). It is designed to help you burn FAT and boost your metabolism...now I realize that it may be like other popular diets except this one doesn't need to come with a book- it's just something you do...

Now realistically you will lose 0.5-2 pounds a week if you don't exercise while on this menu (because 80% of your weightloss success or failure is determined by your eating habits 10% goes to exercise)
If you exercise for at least an hour you will lose 2-5 pounds per week. The first week (if you exercise) you will lose alot of weight mine was 8 lbs.

SO here it is with all its simplicity:
Prayer is number one and spending the number of minutes of your age in spending time with God (i.e. I'm 23 yrs old so I will spend 23 minutes of each early morning with God) this will help many of you with weightloss because all weight struggle is is really a spiritual struggle and once you get that together- everything will fall in place and with the help of The HOly SPirit--temptations that come wont be so tempting..even during this holiday season. WIll power won't work because you are relying on your own strength but God's power will work if you let it!

MENU Monday-Friday
Breakfast:1 protein meat (example:3 egg whites,or 2 turkey bacon/sausage (no shakes allowed!!!) & 1 fruit

Snack: 1 fruit
Lunch: 1 protein, veggies, large salad (or 1 cup brown rice instead of salad)
Snack: Fruit
Dinner: 1 protein, veggies, large salad (sweet potato, or plan potato twice a week but not back to back days)
snack: fruit
Drink 1 gallon of water a day and for those of you who are just sick of water drink at least 8 cups + 1 cup per 25 pounds overweight you are. VERY IMPORTANT think of it has God cleaning His Temple (which is your body) making it Holy enough for Him to dwell in...

Don't count calories and the only time requirement is that you eat every 2-3 hours and stop eating 1.5 or more hours before you go to bed.

Because I know this works if you work it...please post your success stories.
but don't forget the spiritual part is the most important-- if you don't do it you won't keep the weight off.... and if you've done all this and still haven't lost weight then you can curse me out and never try a diet ever again!!!
~Mochahontas
Any questions email me at [email protected]

RobertW · 12-20-2005, 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shrinkingchica

I have been inspired by previous posts to post my own lovelife woes. So, I am going to bear my soul you all and reveal something that I had really never shared with anyone in my entire life (aside from my mom and best friend).
I have never had a boyfriend and now at the age of 21, I am starting to feel like there is something very wrong with me. I know that I have been overweight for a while, but it can't just be about that, can it??

Also, now that I have been losing weight, I seem to see myself as just as fat as I was to begin with. I feel terribly overweight and that if I am not thin, then I can never ever be considered pretty and will never have a man in my life. I don't think that I am particularly ugly, but I am fat. I still feel that if I can just lose some more (lots more) weight then some guy will finally like me.

I am going out on a limb and don't know exactly what I am asking for here; I guess just some support.
Sorry for the rambling, I've just been feeling a bit down about it all recently.

It is not because you are heavy, but being overweight hurts your confidence, which makes things more difficult. You tend to hide your light under a bushel.

Losing weight should help, but it isn't the root problem.

He likes my big butt · 12-20-2005, 10:16 AM

Loving and accepting yourself for who and what you are is essential if you are to give your love and acceptance to someone else. If you feel you're fat, love your fat!! Take time with resculpting your body and your soul. Explore who you really are and fall in love with that person. Get your strengths out there showing everyone. If you have beautiful hair, toss & fluff it!! If you have gorgeous eyes, speak with them, if you have a flirtatious laugh, giggle, giggle & more giggle. After all, do you really want someone falling in love with your curves which change everyday!!??!! The man of your dreams will fall in love with your eyes, or your lips, or your laugh........that stays with you forever!!!

jillybean720 · 12-20-2005, 10:49 AM

I can only echo what most others are saying here--I have been overweight my whole life and didn't have a boyfriend till I was almost 22 years old. I always blamed it on my being fat an that guys were not attracted to me, but I am STILL fat and have a great guy, so I know that wasn't really the issue. You don't have to think you are perfect the way you are--everyone has some things they'd like to change about themselves--but you DO have to realize that there's more to life than being fat! Perspective is crazy, too--I don't think you're very fat at all. I was 250+ throughout all of college and was probably about 270 when I met my current boyfriend (whom I have been with for a year and 9 months now), and even hit my all-time high of 310.5 while I was with him. You know what? He loved me the whole way, no matter what my weight was/is, and he is smart and funny, so I know I'm not just settling for whatever guy would look my way

shrinkingchica · 12-20-2005, 06:26 PM

Thanks for all your responses.

I think that the general concensus is probably correct. I don't feel confident and attractive and that probably comes across more strongly than my weight. I will try, though, to "fake" confidence. But that will take some doing; I don't even like to look men in the eye, so strong is my fear of rejection. I feel that if I look at them and smile or whatever they will be either discusted or laugh at me either in my face or later on with their friends. I am afraid of looking like a fat fool.

supernurse_mommie · 12-20-2005, 06:42 PM

I would have to also agree with general vibe of this thread. Its not about the weight. You, my dear, are so much more than what the number says on your scale. I am much heavier than you, and i have a great guy! It just takes self-confidence. I know that im a great person, and that any guy would be lucky to have me. Sure there are men that over look me because i dont look like Barbie.. but oh well, their loss!
Sweetie, pick your head up and understand that you are a terrific person. The good guys will be drawn to your intelligence and personality, and they will love your body too..! Its just that YOU have to Love you first!!!
I know that its hard, its so hard to look in the mirror and love the person you see.. Keep trying.. take a deep breath.. and face one day at a time