I am sick over my failure. I just can't get a grip on this weight loss thing and can not win for losing. (no pun inteneded) I have tried and failed so many times in my life I feel like I am only successful at failure. I see how well others are doing are doing and am so proud of how well you all have done.

I look at people who succeed think what's wrong with me?? Why can't I do the same? Please do not take this as a lessening of anyone's success I just needed to get this off my chest.

I woke up this morning and I decided to try again. I am going to walk the river later today before I see the trainer tomorrow. I might go to the gym even depending on how I feel. Wish me luck in one more day of trying to succeed.

I'm sorry your having trouble. I think you're a winner for trying again. Just keep at it. DON"T EVER GIBE UP!

Oh Darlene, you're certainly not a failure. You would only be a failure if you threw in the towel completely and gave up. You've been sticking with it and you're still trying to find your groove. Don't worry you'll get the "click" and take off like a bolt of lightening. I'm confident that you're going to be completely successful and reach your goal. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

~Dee

Darlene, I know just what you mean. I have been feeling much the same way. I guess the only thing we can do is dust ourselves off and start again.

I feel kind of the same way except for me, I have been successful and now am the failure-type. I lost over 80 pounds and was 3 lbs away from my goal when I got pregnant. I now have gained all plus +25 back. I've attempted to get back on it 3 or 4 times with no luck. I cannot get myself motivated enough to stick with it for more than a week. I WAS one of the motivational people, positive and on top of my game, and now, sadly, I am on the other side with my foot in my mouth. I can't seem to find the "on switch". Its like I want to do this SO badly but then, I become inpatient and tempted by things that before, did not interfere. Its an entirely different set of circumstances than before but I can't keep using that as an excuse. I do know, that there will be a breaking point for me, I have tried to "push" myself to my breaking point to get myself started but apparently, I'm just not ready to dedicate to the commitment. I feel for you. It's hard isn't it? Don't give up. We're in this together. I'm not doing so hot these days. I am hoping that my motivation finds me but in reality, I know that I'm going to have to find it-- it won't just fall into my lap.

Darlene, I am sorry you are having a tough time of it. I wish I can give you words of wisdom, but I have been there many times myself, that all I can give you is a . I would say if it is too overwhelming, just take it one meal at a time. You will find that maybe if you approach that way,l you will start to get your "click" back. You can do this, we are all in this together.

Darlene ! I think alot of us are in the same boat. I know I am. I have weeks of losing followed by weeks of gaining. I just never seem to stick to it. I always gain back whatever I manage to lose. It's funny because when I am on plan I am so certain that this time is "it" and then just a few short weeks, sometimes days later, I have fallen off the wagon AGAIN!!! I too am going to give it a try again starting today. I am a mere 3 lbs away from my highest weight. I will count calories, but I am really going to try and focus on becoming active. I don't know that I will ever have a "Click" but I do know that I can no longer wait for it. I have to start today. It's a matter of life and death.

Oh you guys --

It's just such a hard thing. I've been there too, and shared Gretchen's propensity for beating the crap out of herself for not being able to resume her previous level of success and unfailing determination. (We were both members of the Class of 2004. ) She had a baby, I had cancer -- and we both regained and then couldn't find the *umph* to just pick up where we left off.

I'm just going to share my own recent thoughts on motivation. We all have different opinions about it, and we put varying amounts of stock into it. This is just my own personal realization -- the one that got me back on track at long last.

I kept waiting for motivation to "find me," as Gretchen said. I think we invest too much in this notion that if you have this magical, elusive thing, we'll somehow find ourselves better able to resist temptation, make the right choices, and stay the course. "If I'm motivated to succeed, I'll be able to stick to my plan and then I'll make the time to organize my eats and exercise regularly! If I'm motivated, I'll drink my water, and I'll see results! When I'm motivated, I do well!!" Then we ask ourselves, "Am I motivated?" and more often than not the answer is a sigh and a lethargic no. We're too tired, we're too stressed, we're too overworked, we're pulled in too many directions, we don't have supportive partners/spouses/families/friends. We don't have the time, or money, or space, or equipment, or any number of other things we believe to be requisite to succeeding On Plan. I shared a lot more about my own experience with conflicted priorities in both Sandi's well-conceived "Where are you at" thread and my own Sarah's [Re]Intro thread.


I kept waiting for Motivation to visit upon me. I waited and I waited. I said, "I need my mojo back! I've lost my mojo!" (Like it's a Survivor Immunity necklace that saves your ***! )

Well, for me there had to be a paradigm shift. I had to switch the cart around, so to speak, and just break down and deconstruct my definition of Motivation. When something motivates you, it is said to "provide with an incentive; move to action; impel." And when I'm motivated, it's my behavior which is altered, and my ability to make the right choices.

So I eliminated the choice, and I planned the actions. It didn't require motivation or determination to do that, just a pen and paper and the desire to succeed. I wrote down some specific commitments, and I planned out my eats and exercise for one week, broken down by day. Each day, I looked at my commitments, and reminded myself that I didn't have any choice. If I were at a weight loss spa, they'd remove the choice, as they would at a boot camp or on The Biggest Loser. If you were told that you could eat nothing but bananas every day for a month, but that you'd lose 30 pounds at the end of the month, wouldn't you do it?? I sure as **** would! It's the same thing, I think.

I put each day in writing, and allowed myself no room for discussion or negotiation or deviation. I simply removed the choice, because I knew I couldn't trust myself to just come up with the wherewithall to make the right decisions on the fly. Not yet.

In focusing on the ACTION component of motivation, I put the cart before the horse -- and still got to where I wanted to go. Last week I lost 9 pounds NOT because I was motivated, but because I had a plan and DIDN'T have any choice. Do you let your children do everything they want? Your pets? Or do you make responsible choices for them, with their best interests at heart? They probably can't eat whatever they want, go wherever they want, do whatever they want, stay awake as late as they want, etc..... Your choices supercede theirs, because you are responsible for their well-being. Apply those same loving parenting skills to your OWN well-being, and set yourself limits and REMOVE THE CHOICE element, because you, like they, just don't always behave with your best interests at heart.

This is what worked for me......both times. Don't rely on something external over which you have no control to dictate your success. I know it sounds overly simplistic, but give it a try. Give it one day. One day, every morsel planned, a little bit of scheduled exercise (even walking in place for 10 minutes!) scheduled, every drop of H20 planned. Wake up and say, "Ok, this is my day." And then just do it. Then get up the next day and do it again. It's worth a try, right?

I just know that if I hadn't done it this way, I'd be 9 pounds heavier than I am today and still feeling out of control. And no motivation angel came and kissed me in the night -- I just had a plan. And no choice.

Well said, Sarah. This is excellent.

If I waited for motivation to hit me, I'd never get anything done!!!!

DNR

Wow, Sarah! You have just written the best diet book that I have ever read, and then given it to us for free!

I can't even begin to touch the wisdom of those words, but I do want to encourage anyone who is having a tough time getting off the starting blocks with my experience...

I watched my mom yo-yo diet my entire life. She would start a diet, do well for a little while, lose motivation, start not doing so well, then feel like a failure and quit. Each time, she ended up bigger than the time before. So many times I saw her cry and it broke my heart. I swore that I would NEVER go on a diet.

At 180 lbs in High School I kept my promise. As the years passed and I gained more and more weight I kept my promise. As I passed 300 lbs, I sighed and kept my promise. At 350, I just figured I would live a few decades shorter, shrugged my shoulders and kept my promise.

Then, I realized late last year that I can be healthy and not go on a diet. In all of those years of my promise, I had somehow not only not gone on a diet, but I had also given myself permission to sit all day, doing one thing or another, and eat 4000 cal of junk food. I wasn't fat because I didn't diet, I was fat because I ate horribly and didn't exercise.

So, I am NOT on a diet, but I am living my life like anyone should who cares about health, big or small. And, since I am not on a diet, I can't "fail". There are no rules, other than that I live healthfully. Yes, I plan my eating and exercise, but that is because I'm still learning what a healthy life-style feels like. They are a beginning, not the end of this journey..

My encouragement is this: don't let the fear of failure hold you back...this isn't a situation that has to have failure as a possibility. You don't need to become perfect in 2 days. Living 1% healthier this week than last is a success. You can worry about the next 1% later. And as you feel the benefits of that health set in, it will get easier and easier, and (this is what is suprising to me) fun. Good luck, everyone, I know we can do this!

Oh how I love this little bit of 3FC, where we love and support each other............and we understand each other better than we understand ourselves.


Dolly, your amazing. Your in a strange country, outside your comfort zone, doing an amazing thing. Losing weight is hard. It's *hard*. It's ok to hate that you have to do this, and to hate the process at times, and sometimes to do just go "nup, not doing this today".

No one is forcing you to do this, I know there are many reasons for you to lose the weight, and you will lose. It's ok if you lose 1/2 a pound a month, a long as you lose it.

It's weird, there is always someone more successful around the corner. Sometimes I look at people like YP1, Helen and Teapot Dynamo and think why haven't I lost 100lbs by now? Why am I still in the 190's? What am I doing wrong?

If you get caught up in that way of thinking too long, it just undermines all your efforts.

This is our weight loss journey, and the rules that apply for one don't necessarily apply to us all.

It'd be nice if there was one prescription, one set of rules, an exact formula for weight loss that we could all follow, and whammo get consistent results, but life just ain't like that, mores the pity!

Hang in there honey, we're all here for you!

Well, I had a nice post all started and Kykaree wrote everything I was about to say!

I like to think I'm not competitive but dang, when I look at others who've had so much success, I, too, question... why not me?

I like Kykaree's suggestion -- this is MY journey, no one else's. So changing it will have to happen on MY body's timetable, no one else's. So, although my body seems to gain in pounds and lose in ounces (if at all), that's the challenge I'm given. Since I can't switch bodies (to one that's more cooperative), I can either work around it or give up.

I'm still banking on a workaround, no matter how long it takes. Seems like you are, too, DollyR. We'll find it, I know we will.

Dolly you've been given some excellent advice here. I'm not sure what I can add to any of this. But I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Do we HAVE to be "perfect" in order to be happy with ourselves?

If we do, then we have unrealistic expectations. We will fail. We will try, and we will fail and we will succeed. Not always on the same day of course, but it is like everything else in nature, it travels in waves. Maybe one day you are riding the crest of the wave and doing well, the next you may be in the trough of the wave and feeling like a total failure.

What IS a "total failure"? Isn't it someone who gives up? As long as you care enough to keep picking yourself back up and continue trying you are not a failure. Feeling like you don't want to do it at all because you can't be good at it or can't be perfect at it is like giving up. Perfectionists would rather not do something than do it badly. You know what? Even done "badly" it is better than the alternative. We can give up, eat everything in sight and gain 20 pounds or 50 or 100. Will we feel like a success then?

No. So we just keep on pushing for one more little pound. Even if it is a pound we've already lost and regained, we still want that one little pound gone. And even if we've lost and regained that pound 10, 20, 30 times or more, having it gone is better than giving up and gaining a new one or two or ten or 100.

We need to learn to celebrate our successes. Even if the only success we have to celebrate is not gaining an additional 5 or 10 pounds. Even maintaining is a success. Stop beating yourself up with all you "can't" do. Do what you can and be happy with your good choices. Try and increase those choices so that you make more good choices and fewer bad ones. But don't mistreat yourself with unkind words when you have made a few more bad choices than good. Just resolve to do better.

We CAN win this battle. We just have to never stop fighting. If you picture us as an army battling an enemy. In the thick of battle are we going to say "I give up, we just can't win" and then expose our chest to an enemy sword or gun? No of course not. Even if we can't "win" we'll go down fighting. The alternative is too awful.

Thank you, girls, for giving me exactly what I needed to read today. I had a bad eating weekend and even this morning, found myself throwing caution to the wind. Even with a bad weekend, I didn't go as off course as I could have, but it was much farther off course than I have been in three months.

Saturday was my DH's birthday, so that involved ice cream cake. The upside of it was that dinner out was sushi. The other downside of Saturday was that it was spring cleanup at my church. I had a doughnut, two hotdogs, some chips...you get the picture. Sunday was bad too with it being Mother's Day. In retrospect, you would think that one my day, I would have done better by myself, but it didn't happen. Dinner included a frozen drink, ribs, fries and dessert. All not good.

This morning, my mind told me I had already messed it all up, so why bother? Then I came here and found this thread. Thank you.

Sarah ~~ What wonderful words...I really needed to read those today!

Darlene ~~ I've been very down with myself lately by not getting on track for the past two weeks; just could not get refocused for anything! Well this morning when I weighed in, and have gained back 4 pounds in just the past three days of eating out, I decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I'm not going to beat myself up this time, but I am going to do this NOW, not later! I got a new notebook and I'm writing everything I eat and drink, from here on out. I want this weight off once and for all, and I will keep going and do it this time. I've been letting my emotions pull me down in a funk lately and I refuse to do this anymore. I'm doing this in smaller steps and goals, and taking my time. Please don't beat yourself up either and just set a small mini goal to start with ~ you CAN and WILL do it, just BELIEVE in yourself!