Pat by the way...it is not to surprising that insecurity comes into a heavy persons mentality after all we are judged at first sight and know it. that"look" that we all know crosses the face and is unable to be hidden, even if it lasts for just a second we don't miss it...ever. Little do they know that there judgements are no where near as harsh as our own.

Why should we trust our own emotions when we are hardly ever validated by others. We all need praise and acceptance and a big pat on the back when we have done well to validate all the achievements we are making. Every human needs that. Most get it easily but we don't. People assume we are destined to fail ...that instills the fear in ourselves or of regaining all we have managed to lose.

We are afraid to say or do anything to hurt the feelings of or offend others much more than most because we are quit experienced at rejection and it doesn't feel good at all. So we end up always trying to please others and the results are we have to stuff our own feelings so much that we are afriad of them , that to release them will make us bad people...unkind. We ssure don't want to hurt someones elses feelings as we have a lot of experience with that and totally understand how that feels.
The truth is sometimes the truth is hard, sometimes it hurts and we have to love others enough to say the truth when needed despite the negative feelings that they respond with. Love is putting yourself on the line for someone else no matter what the cost to you. You know almost always the person will have an adverse reaction and in a short while will work it out and the relationship will be stronger than ever. Sometimes the person we are saying these things to is ourselves.

I have never been to concerned with how others see me but how I see myself and I haven't seen my self in a very good light for a long time but it is returning.

This is a time when I have to put myself first in order to be the fully functional human being I need to be for myown sake and others.

This is a time when I must be first because the people I love and value will never know me as I really am due to excess weight which restricts who I am, how I function, what I do and how I come across as a person. I don't have to say a word about how my weight affects me to anyone they know...it shows clearly to everyone but ourselves.

I am a deeply emotional person. I apologize to no one for this. I am proud to be so deeply caring and feeling. I would never want to be a robot for anything in the world.

I have as much right to my emotions as anyone else does and I have the perfect right to feel as I do. I may sometimes be in error but so what. I AM ONLY HUMAN!
That is my favorite saying as it gives me total permission to be wrong, to fall on my face, to make an *** out of myself, or anything else and it is God given. I am entitled to be less than perfect.

Mostly this time is mine because I have to get back to the person I was meant to be. For the freedom to live my life to the fullest and have that to give to enrich the lives of others.

Being fat is selfish. It is how I keep me isolated from emotions, life,and a variety of other things. It is how I keep me safe no matter what the cost.

I am perfectly able to have aand cope with my own emotions.
I am perfectly able to say no.
I am perfectly able deal with life head to head and toe to toe.

I just choose not to. It is soooo much easier to hide behind the fat suit and keep myself totally safe........ even if it means no one gets my best, my easy laughter my total sharing of all that life has to offer.
God Bless,
Pam

Well it took a few days but I didn't want to rush thru a post.

I think that as "I" emerge, thru all these layers of fat I must be mindful of my motivation for my weight loss. I think one of the reasons that I have maintained my commitment is that I am doing this for me this time and look at all the other benefits as the icing on the cake. ( sorry for the food analogy).

In addition to the fact that I choose what goes in my mouth I also choose how I react to my surroundings, people, comments, looks etc. I must keep in mind that My sourse of self worth comes from w/i me not by the above circumstances. and it has nothing to do w/ my size. That means that my life wil still cont. to have ups and downs when I reach my goal. If I place my happiness on my size I will be in for a fall.

i also feel How I choose to see, respect and care for myself is teh foundation for how I allow others to treat me. How can I expect others to respect me for who I am if I don't. I must make and maintain boundaries which is also about self worth issues. If I worry too much about "hurting" people when I stick to my boundaries I have put myself last instead of first. And being first in my life is OK. It isn't selfish, I just have to be mindful and respect others in teh process. I deserve to take care of me.

WoW deep stuff for so early in the morning

Boy Pat, isn't it something....we so rarely realize how much is involved with every aspect of our lives. I want to lose weight. That sounds and seems on the surface so simple but it reminds me of a tree not only are there so many brances that comes from that tree but unseen are the long reaching roots that feed below the surface. The roots of why, when and how that tree lives and functions. We are such complicated creatures and the trick isn't in know the answers but in learning the right questions. We have the answers inside ourselves but coming up with the right questions!!!!!
By the by for al those with Mom difficulties..... like most of all women at one time or another, there is a great book called MY Mother, MY Self , that give a lot of insight. I am a Mommy's girl and my biggest problem was that MOM had no idea as to the power of her words on me nor that despite myself they used to hit straight to the soul. It made me furious at her when really I was mad because I was feeling so defensive of her sometimes harsh and careless words. And ever so critical at times. I came to understand that that was just her nature in general, certainly not "aimed" at me to cause harm she always wanted the best for me. As much as we are alike we function so differently. Funny enough I found out she was just a human doing the best she can jusst like me. Sometimes great and sometimes lousy but always wanting more for me and loving me. Mumsy, is an amazing woman who has managed to survive almost 80 and lived through things I will never have to. Worked in a way I will never have too and for these reasons and ssoooo many more I respect her deeply. Going from child to Adult "child" in her eyes was a job for us both and a war for awhile but we made it. She will always see those things that are no longer a part of me and so long outgrown that I don't rememeber them but she is my Mommy and alway's remembers....Moms do that. She made a lot of mistakes just like I have, just like all Mom's do but she did so much more right and I have her to thank for the disipline I didn't want, the no's I resented, the punishment I "didn't" deserve(LOL), and the guidance that told me she was so out of touch with the times!
Little did I know then, that she was the cat and I was the kitten and as different as the world was and is now nothing is new it is just the same as it has alway's been at it's heart. Life is an ever repeating cycle. I was in my thirties before I got that....and Mom is my best friend and Mom. She isn't perfect who is but I am able to know what is a fact and what isn't and free to agree to disagree without feeling less becuase we are in many ways so different....and yet so alike.
Would you all rather I quit posting here? I would understand if you do. If I am interrupting the flow of such a great discussion just say so. By all means keep it going.
Pat, you have really made major strides in your personal understanding of you and what you really want and need for yourself. It isn't alway's easy but it sure is the way to set yourself free. God , I am so proud of you as a person. Every human being is so special. There is no one else in this world just like you and it takes all the different qualitites of each person to make this life bloom and grow. The world would not do half as well if each of us had not been here. So many lives do we touch and never even know just what a difference we have made. Such is the glory of life. God Bless.
Pam

I brought this back up to compliment Jen's thread