I decided to delete my post because I'm embarrassed and feel like people think mean things about me now. To the few people who did respond thanks. Goodbye...

Sarah - I feel your pain. I too use to have the habit of eating at night and sometimes even getting up from sleep in the middle of the night and eating. What I found out that it is just a bad habit. You need to trade your bab habits for a good habit. Try and keep yourself busy after the kids go to bed. Read, draw, pick up a new hobby.
Also, don't look at losing all your weight at once. Break it down into mini goals, lkie 5 pound goals, becuz that is more how we gain and it comes off a pound at a time. By looking at the big picture you are overwhelming yourself.
About you list of 'Why it Sucks Being Fat' How about making a list of 'Why is't Awesome to Get Fit and Healty'
Think positive - your young - you can do this!

Sarah:

Several things jumped out at me while reading your post, but the main one (and the one that concerns me the most) is that it is evident that you HATE YOUR BODY.

I'm not sure how old you are, but my guess is that you are way younger than me. Let me share something with you that took me 40 years to learn: This is the ONLY body I am ever going to have on this earth. Am I going to wait until my magical number (goal weight) pops up before I start loving my body? I decided to start loving it NOW, at 300+pounds. Because I love my body, I am now doing the right things for it--feeding it properly and making it stronger.

Think of all the things your body ALREADY does for you: it gets you where you need to go, and it houses all your internal organs you need to...well....LIVE.

We love our kids, mates, pets, etc. Love is the motivation we have to take care of things and treat them with kindness. Our bodies should be no different. We should love our bodies AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW. We are only guaranteed today--THIS MOMENT. Why fill our time with hate and self-loathing?

LIFE IS SHORT--LIVE IT WELL.

1. If you are being honest with yourself and know that you are eating the right things in the right amounts while getting in a good bit of exercise...then don't beat yourself up over the number on the scale. There are lots of reasons why it could be moving up and it could just as easily move back down next week. Start taking measurements but only do it every 6 weeks or so & it might make you much happier.

2. DON'T GIVE UP just because it's going to take a long time (and yes, I know, easier said than done). Even if it takes 10 years, that means 10 years from now you'll be happier & healthier. If you give up, 10 years from now you'll be in the same situation -or worse- than you are now. Think about that every time you want to quit.

Hey Sarah, I'm right about where you are--I'm 5'9 and 289 on the scale this morning.

I've gone through that whole rush of anger at myself, too. How did I let this happen to me? Where was my brain?? And then there's the whole "but I'm not eating the bad stuff" plaintive wail. I too am good about what I put in my body, and I'm frustrated beyond belief that "the answers" aren't working for me. Haven't been working for me.

In the last two months (since I started) I've lost 5 pounds. Ugh. Soooo....sloooow....but at least I'm not gaining, right? I've decided to take it 4 weeks at a time (tomorrow is "evaluation day") and keep good notes, and really look at what seems to be working/not working. I make a plan for the month--last month it was "35 Points [I'm on Weight Watchers] a day, protein with every meal, 5 meals a day"--and then I look back and evaluate how I'm feeling and what seems to be working/not working.

The other thing I do is try to "stay in today". I try not to look forward, not any further than the eval-day. I try not to do the "if I'm losing at this rate, how old will I be when I get to my goal finally?" thing. I try to make good decisions, today, and just let it be what it is.

I've got myself convinced that I just have to keep going. After all, time's going to pass anyway. Even if I do lose at a snail's pace, would I rather be 1 year from here and 30 pounds lighter, or 1 year from here and at the same weight I am now?

mousie - That is a really good plan and advice! It's the same deal when you get 15 pounds away from goal - you just can't give up. The only way to get there is stick to doing the right stuff, no matter what.

Sarah - monthly fluctuations may be part of you being up. However, I wanted to ask if you're tracking what you eat. I use Fitday on my computer at home, but there is a free web version. I ask because I eat (generally) only fruits, vegetables and lean protein yet I can easily eat more than my target calories (1400-1600 at the moment). It could be that even though you're eating healthier you are still consuming too many calories.

I've had a couple of people at work ask me where they can start and I always give the same advice - write down everything you eat for at least two weeks. And don't not eat something that you would normally eat because you are suddenly writing things down. Write time of day, portion size, etc. A cheap food scale is a good idea - you would be surprised sometimes how much that 'little bunch of grapes weigh'. I used it as well at the beginning to gage if the oranges I bought were really 'medium' or large.

Tracking your intake for a while will give you an idea of how your calories are divided. For example when I started my breakfasts were about 10% of my calorie intake, lunches 20%, dinner 40% and afternoon snack.... 30%.

Now I do about 20% at breakfast (and morning snack), 30% at lunch and the other 50% will cover my afternoon and/or evening snack and my dinner. Taking in more calories earlier in the day (and more protein) stops me from the 'bad eating' when I got home from work.

Anne


Anne

Star is right. It will help to make a list of all the benefits of eventually being fit instead of focusing on what sucks right now. Instead of thinking, "fat looks ugly" think, "fit looks and feels great."

Seriously, consider how you would approach the subject if you were talking to anyone but yourself. Would tell a friend that she needed to lose weight because her fat looked ugly? Would you encourage her by pointing out that her clothes look bad on her? Would you suggest that she were less of a person because she'd gained weight or that she's not going to be respected unless she loses weight? Of course not. You might make those points to her but it would most certainly be in a more positive manner. In these situations you have to treat yourself like you are your own best friend.

There is something else that I found helpful in the very beginning. I can't explain how I did it and I am sure the approach would vary from person to person. But, when I would begin feeling the way you do I would detach myself completely from losing weight. I had to find ways to feel like I was just living a normal life instead of living a life that focused every second of every day on becoming a thinner, healthier person. I tended to overthink the entire process. Yes, I might have some issues with emotional eating, I might have self-esteem issues that get in the way of success. It can all get very complicated especially when you factor in all of the information being thrown at us from all directions. It is overwhelming to say the least and on top of all that we worry about the scale moving (OR NOT) too. So, while it is important to face those realities and do our best to resolve them, sometimes we just have to shut them out and do what we know we have to in order to succeed - eat less and move more.

It may not work for everyone but it does wonders for me to occasionally take a mental break from EXPECTING to lose weight. The fact of the matter is that if I do what I am supposed to do I AM going to lose all of my extra weight and wearing myself out thinking about it constantly isn't going to make it happen any faster. Losing weight is my main focus right now but I can't let it consume my entire life or I'll not only be fat but crazy too.

I didn't have a chance to read your post before you deleted it, Sarah, so I can't respond other than to say everyone here has suffered the ill effects (physical, emotional and mental) of being obese and we derive comfort from sharing with people who truly know what its all about. There's no embarrassment or shame here, only support and understanding. Nobody's going to think "mean things" about you because of any weight-related issues.

Sarah - I don't have any mean thoughts about you, only concern and support...

I didn't get to see it either but just from reading the responses, I ditto Jill. We are all here for you to support you in your efforts and that includes the good and the bad.

I definitely don't have mean thoughts about you either, Sarah....I'm glad you posted it. You posted exactly what you were thinking and feeling. FEELINGS ARE NEITHER RIGHT NOR WRONG--they just are!!

To me, what you wrote was a cry for help. I hope you will continue to post your feelings here, or start a journal or a blog. But whatever you do, don't stop posting here or reading here.

I have to tell you I saw your subject line and thought "I know I can relate to this!"

I echo what mousie says. A couple of things I'll add:

Try and keep your sense of humor.

Few things worth having in this life are easy.

It gets easier (no, for some strange reason this doesn't contradict the above!)

Take it easy.

Sarah, I did read your post before you decided to delete it. Even if you aren't comfortable "putting it all out there" I want to assure you that the feelings you expressed are ones I've felt a thousand times and that I've seen expressed often by others on the board. This is the least judgemental group of people I've ever exchanged ideas with and, should you choose to make personal posts in the future you needn't worry that anyone here will think poorly of you. I think it is safe to say that we all have each other's best interests at heart.

Well, everyone here is super nice. Thanks for being supportive. I just feel like a complete wreck and it's not only my weight. I think I just blame that for EVERYTHING when really I'm just such a negative person anymore. I hate it but I don't REALLY know how to fix it. I "know" that I have it good and my life could completely awesome as long as I have a positive outlook and stop acting like everything is terrible when it isn't at all. I have a very lucky life and a good one. I'm just having a really hard time actually knowing these things all of the time. I just feel lost, like I don't know myself anymore... I guess it's all part of growing up and learning how to stop having such a low self esteem/no confidence. Usually I'm fine, today is just a bad day for some unknown reason. Thanks again for listening. And, I apologize if I came across as some kind of negative psychopath.