And come post in the maintainers forum. Issues like this are discussed there. We have some very knowledgeable and successful maintainers on this board.
At the advice of someone in the maintainers forum I took a break from it all. Instead of concentrating on losing anymore weight I just worked at not gaining any. It gave me a much needed mental break and got me off of the emotional rollercoaster that is my scale. It only took about two weeks before I was ready to really buckle down and get back to business. Maybe that would work for you too? Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack, I think
Me too, me too. We both even posted about it in the Maintainers Forum. AND it took me about 1.5 weeks to realize that I was ready to get back on the losing wagon. I think I needed permission to slack a little and once I gave it to myself I realized that I didn't want to slack anymore.
I feel bad being tired when I've only been at it for about 6 months (but the last 15 is the hardest, right? ). Hats off to you gals that keep going for long periods.
That's right, Julia. I had forgotten that we'd shared those feelings at the same time!
And I am so glad that I decided to maintain for a while. Aside from what I've already mentioned it also helped me realize that a lot of weight loss behavior is ALREADY second nature. For instance, the first couple of days it was really hard not to run to fitday and plug in every morsel as I ate it. Eyeballing my portions was scary. It was as if I didn't trust myself enough to make the right choices unless I went through the usual rituals. But after a couple of days I realized that I WANTED to go exercise even if I didn't log it somewhere and I WANTED to eat right even if I weren't technically holding myself accountable and I WANTED to stop eating before I was full. Just giving myself PERMISSION to relax a bit was so liberating that I realized I didn't need to take much of a break after all!
I hear you, Jennifer, and can relate to a lot of what you said. You're a chief cheerleader here (sometimes up on the soapbox cheering, which we all need sometimes) and we appreciate you. Hope you feel better soon, sweetie.
Aw, Jen. You don't sound whiny at all. Not in the slightest. You've earned the right to be weary, sweetie, after all the work you've done and energy you've focused on achieving all that you have over the last year. It's perfectly natural to lose your ummpph for a moment at some point along the way. I went through some similar emotions right before I got diagnosed and had 78 pounds. Boredom and a feeling of, "My God, I'm just so tired of the routine, the focus, the space this all takes up in my brain and my day!" It didn't last long, though, it was a temporary funk. I wrote myself a little letter like I was talking to someone else -- someone I loved and wanted to help with these feelings. I read it over for a couple of days, until the emotional malaise lifted.
I just know that you, like all who remove the fat and lay bare the emotions and (mis)perceptions beneath, will find some way of reconciling your conflicting emotions -- just as you'll make peace with your still and ever-flawed self. You're a work in progress, and always will be. And when it isn't your size, it'll be your nose/teeth/hair, and then it'll be your breasts or *** or some depilatory challenge or some other physical thing that just isn't really the point of who you really are but is still something you want to like about yourself and don't yet. It's always something.....until it isn't. I used to be very conscious of my hair, and then I lost it. I never left my house without mascara and then I lost my eyelashes. Now it's my southward bound breasts. I'm sure later on it will be loose skin. 57 pounds ago I hated different things, and some of them remain, but less so.
The really telling thing, the really important thing, is that your frustration is not with your efforts -- or what they've yielded. Your angst is not with your physical capabilities or mental acumen or ability to play nicely with the other kids in the sandbox. You're a young, American woman who's been fat -- and now you have all the baggage and all the challenges that come with each of those facets of Jennifer. You're also a wicked smart, absolutely beautiful, physically strong, emotionally courageous and resilient, determined, kind, funny, compassionate, responsible, clever, sassy, wise and fun woman of integrity -- with a bright and healthy future.
I completely understand your struggle with the head game, and with others' assumption that you're on cloud 9 because you've accomplished so much. I'm going through a similar thing now that my chemo's over and I'm in remission, and am left now with, well, my life. I'm not going to go off on my own tangent here, but your words stuck a chord with me in a timely way, and I find some similarities between our respective situations.
I know I'm rambling, sorry. I wish there were some magical words I could just pull out which would give you the ability to find for yourself permanent peace with your body, a neverending interest in all the mundane, routine actions which have contributed to your weight loss, undying energy you can apply to the conscious attention required to get to and maintain goal.......and all the self-love in the world. You deserve all of these, my friend. If you don't find them all, I know you are resourceful and patient enough to stay the course -- and along the way I am completely confident that you will find all kinds of things to love about yourself, like your muscles, your energy, your amazing glow, and all the other things that in your secret heart of hearts you'd come to truly love if you allowed yourself.
Sending you SO much love, Jen. I think you're a beautiful, amazing woman, and I'm so very proud of you I could cry.
Pick me up off the floor, someone. I'm blown away by the power of that post, Sarah. I think we all might want to fill in our names and hang that puppy up on bathroom mirror!
Wow! Some absolutely amazing responses to a very interesting topic. I don't even know what or how to express how it all has impacted me other than to say it really is what this forum is all about.
First, I just want to thank every one of you for responding to my rant. I am blown away by the depth and breadth of your responses and am so thankful that I have such an amazing outlet for these thoughts and feelings that it almost makes up for my unexpected little strawberry margarita binge last night. Ah, but it’s a new day today.
I am unfortunately aware, too, that I may have come off like a bit of a brat who is ungrateful for how far she’s come. On the other hand, I think it may be useful for people who are just starting the journey to be prepared for some of the emotional hurdles they may have to face. I know it’s helped me immensely to have read even not-so-positive posts by people who have “made it” and are maintaining losses. It’s hard work!!!!!!
Jawsmom, on one hand, I like the idea of a break. But on the other, I’m afraid I will get complacent and will give up on getting to goal (Beverly, I love the idea of a keeping a "promise to yourself"). Also, I fear I’ll take a break then look back and be even more frustrated that I wasted time, particularly since I’m losing at a snail’s pace now, anyway. I know it’s about the rest of my life, but I’m eager to try the rest at goal. But it’s definitely an option for the future if I just can’t take it emotionally. And like you, I'm pretty sure the mindset change alone might just remind me that I *want* to be doing this at this point in time.
Kylie, your post summed up EXACTLY what I’m talking about. It’s incredibly stressful always worrying about the next meal, the next day, the next challenge. For instance, the other night some friends asked us to a baseball game, and the first thing I thought was, “Oh, no! What will I eat there? Will everyone be drinking? Will I seem like a wet blanket if I don’t?” (Turns out I had a little hot dog and a beer, and everything was fine). But yes, it can be that exhausting! (And p.s. – the cheekbones = good camera angle! )
Jilly and Sarah, it doesn’t do your posts justice to respond to you both in one fell swoop, but seriously -- both of you should make a killing as inspirational speakers or write books. I always take so much encouragement from your words!!!!! And you’re right. This too shall pass, and I’m not a freak (at least not about this! ). I already feel much better and much more centered today… some days it just hits you wrong, you know? Sarah, just knowing how strong you are despite everything you've been through in the past year makes me ashamed to be *****in'. You are amazing!
Thanks again to everyone else who posted that I didn’t mention specifically. You’re just the best little online family a girl could have!
Jen
p.s. Jill - "cankles" .
Last edited by teapotdynamo; 08-18-2005 at 12:42 PM.
I'm kind of late replying to this....but I wanted to thank you for posting this....and to everybody who posted such inspirational, thought provoking responses.
I have felt the same way you do (although I'm not quite as close to my goal as you - YET!) It is very comforting to know that others are thinking the same way....I certainly was feeling a bit guilty or "bratty" for thinking this way, too. I feel like I should feel more "grateful" for what I have accomplished, but have come to realize that my fusses and complaints over the loose skin and "wobbly bits" that remain do not detract from my pride in the weight I have lost so far. I think that they are just a symptom of how I have approached my weight loss (without even realizing it). It sounds crazy...but in reading your post (and relating so well to it!), I realized that I thought that I was going to be CURED from being fat when I got closer to my goal...Guess this process isn't really about curing myself...it's about learning to be good to myself.
I’m afraid I will get complacent and will give up on getting to goal Also, I fear I’ll take a break then look back and be even more frustrated that I wasted time, particularly since I’m losing at a snail’s pace now, anyway.
Jennifer I didn't know what you would think of the break idea, but IMHO I just don't agree with the concept. I mean this is our life now, and we can't just take a break from life, right? We've got to be able to keep this up regardless of what obstacles get thrown our way. But, perhaps, lightening up on yourself a bit would help. Not taking a break per say, just making a conscious effort not to obsess and worry over the details as much. You've got to find a balance here that allows you to continue your healthy lifestyle, yet not feel totally consumed by it. Yes, I know, easier said than done, right?! This is something I struggle with myself, but I believe it can be done. What it all boils down to is that we just want to feel normal, don'tcha think? But maybe it's just our idea of what normal is that really needs changing.
For instance, the other night some friends asked us to a baseball game, and the first thing I thought was, “Oh, no! What will I eat there? Will everyone be drinking? Will I seem like a wet blanket if I don’t?”
I *really* relate to that. I find myself sometimes wanting to beg off invitations because I am fearful of the implications. But, we can't live in a bubble.
Sometimes when we're so consumed with losing or maintaining weight, we start to think that is what we're all about. And for a moment, when we realize that it's not what we're about - we're scared that we don't *know* what we're about anymore.
I remember a post once from a woman (on another board) that has been a maintainer for a very long time and she said she was at the stage of her life that she suddenly had a lot more time because she was no longer obsessed with food or exercise. It all just came to her.
So what do you do with all this time? Obsess about what else is wrong with us. LOL. When will we learn?
I think Jennifer brings us a good point. In MY mind's eye, when I started losing weight, I pictures myself skinny and happy with no visable flaws. Heck, makeover shows and magazines do not help disuade us from this image! But as I progress (or stall and progess as I tend to do)
I try to imagine my flaws as well. I have a misshapen boob - happened 4 years ago and I have a weird scar - it reminds me to appreciate my health. I have a large, romanesque nose. I have a belly that will always be with me. And I have crazy, out of control hair - that reminds me of my mom. Slowly, my mind's eye is picturing sucesss in a less than glossy magazine way. That's not bad - it's realistic. And darn it, I'm still sexy at the end of all these "flaws."
Jennifer, you're incredibly beautiful - not despite your flaws but BECAUSE of your flaws. You'd be just another pretty face, you're a pretty face with character, wisdom and history. I appreciate that much more.
A lot of good things said here so I won't add except to say I've been feeling the same way lately. I hate to look in the mirror nude more now than I used to. I'm alright and think I look half decent if I have clothes on but it's still hard to deal with. I would not go back for anything but there is still a lot to deal with ahead. Keep your spirts up and know your not alone. We can all make it through this.
I'm learning a lesson about the fantasy about being thin and all my problems going away, and that its just not going to happen that way. One of my friends is really tiny, and she has MORE insecurities than I do. My theory is that its acceptable for thinner people to hate how they look, more so than an overweight person going around saying "I'm so fat". I think everyone could use a course in self love... there is a severe lack of that in this world...
). Hats off to you gals that keep going for long periods.
You don't sound whiny at all. Not in the slightest. You've earned the right to be weary, sweetie, after all the work you've done and energy you've focused on achieving all that you have over the last year. It's perfectly natural to lose your ummpph for a moment at some point along the way. I went through some similar emotions right before I got diagnosed and had 78 pounds. Boredom and a feeling of, "My God, I'm just so tired of the routine, the focus, the space this all takes up in my brain and my day!" It didn't last long, though, it was a temporary funk. I wrote myself a little letter like I was talking to someone else -- someone I loved and wanted to help with these feelings. I read it over for a couple of days, until the emotional malaise lifted.
Ah, but it’s a new day today.
But it’s definitely an option for the future if I just can’t take it emotionally. And like you, I'm pretty sure the mindset change alone might just remind me that I *want* to be doing this at this point in time.
)
). I already feel much better and much more centered today… some days it just hits you wrong, you know? Sarah, just knowing how strong you are despite everything you've been through in the past year makes me ashamed to be *****in'. 
It is very comforting to know that others are thinking the same way....I certainly was feeling a bit guilty or "bratty" for thinking this way, too. I feel like I should feel more "grateful" for what I have accomplished, but have come to realize that my fusses and complaints over the loose skin and "wobbly bits" that remain do not detract from my pride in the weight I have lost so far. I think that they are just a symptom of how I have approached my weight loss (without even realizing it). It sounds crazy...but in reading your post (and relating so well to it!), I realized that I thought that I was going to be CURED from being fat when I got closer to my goal...Guess this process isn't really about curing myself...it's about learning to be good to myself.
