Oh Jen, I very much understand that feeling. I can completely relate! Try adding 56 pounds to where you are today, and that's where I was when I started this process 5 months ago. When I think of what I did to my body, I could just cry.....what am I saying, I could and DID! But then what do you do with that? Do you get stuck in that miserable place, or do you use it to fuel your resolve? If you asked me to pick one word to encapsulize where my head has been throughout this process, I would have to say, "vengeance." I'm one of the most peaceful people you'll ever meet (look up tree-hugger, and there's my pic! I kid you not.) but there's this drive I feel now that strengthens me and helps me to remember that not all food is my friend. It is not on my side. It does not wish me well. Healthy food, now THAT stuff loves me and wants me to be happy and live a good life. But the
that is out there that tastes good but kills your body (and hurts your soul, if you abuse it like some of us have) -- that stuff fills me with vengeance. I REFUSE to let it rule me or seduce me.
And that is how I have lost the weight that I have. I am not beating myself up, I am beating that food up. I am loving myself, and not that food. And I'm all about the balance now, in so many ways. The following of which is not the least: I got myself to 284 pounds by one self-destructive choice after another -- it sure wasn't just one action that got me to that point. And now, in keping with the physics law, I must reclaim my health (and waistline) through consistent, repeated choices and actions...one after another.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite re-action.