This is the best thread ever. I just want to say to everyone here, I loves ya & PLEASE don't ever apologize EVER for being who you are!

How I fell off the wagon this last time is very simple. I was not doing the "weight loss thing" for me, I was doing it for the doctor, and to show up a man who'd rejected me, in the mindset of "Just wait til the next time that :censored: ing :censored: sees me, he'll be kicking himself."

Well, even if I weighed 135#, I'd still live 1000 miles away, right? Stupid. And as for the doctor, reaching that goal & knowing I wouldn't be seeing him until next April just seemed like a license to eat.

Not to mention losing my job in February has sent me into a bit of a depression. Looking for a new job is what caused that. You know, you think you're invincible, that you're smart, capable, talented and can do anything. To look for a new job just proves you wrong time & time again. They want you to be experienced? You don't have experience in their field. They want you to be proficient in A, B, & C? You've dabbled, but in no way do you consider yourself proficient. You have a solid work record for the last 10 years, but you worked on computer systems that were created specifically for the companies you worked for, making you virtually useless elsewhere. Frustrating, indeed.

My gym closing has given me a whole new reason to be lazy. For me, eating has always been secondary. It's much easier to not exercise than to exercise. Like, right now, I am typing all this, and watching A Streetcar Named Desire. I could be out for a walk. But no. And there you have it.

But I have been watching calories today & I hoofed around our Zoo earlier, so even if you *are* doing pretty good, you can still beat yourself up. ;)

I think I just can't get the connection between the reality of my fat and the fantasy fit person I am in my head. I remember being taunted when I was 8 years old and had a tiny little roll of fat on my tummy by my boney "friend" and her boney cousins about how I was a "fatty two by four can't get through the door" sort of stuff. I remember looking at myself in the bathtub that night, at my tiny little roll of fat and crying. I wasn't worth being nice to because I had this roll of fat. I think a switch went in my head then, and I just decided to opt out of reality and no longer connected with my body. It wasn't there. I know in my head that I have hundreds of #s to lose but it doesn't seep into my life choices. I am not exercising. I am attempting to watch my portion sizes and not get so many calories from liquids (stevia sweetened icedtea is great) I think about lifting weights, riding my exercise bike, sweating to tae bo or Jane but that is as far as it gets. The organizing, the clothes, running shoes and all that special effort to take care of this body that I don't really see, isn't happening. I don't know how to see the value in myself. I'm struggling. I guess I never really fell of the wagon but your posts have started me to think about it a bit :)

Hey SAPF.

You ARE smart, capable, talented and you CAN do anything!

Just thought I'd share.

Oh, Meadow, you are so WORTH IT!
When I was new to 12 step programs, my sponsor told me this:
"You are perfectly loveable, just as you are. You do not have to change a single thing about yourself for God to love you. He loves you just the way you are, and knows that you are doing the best you can."

Can I suggest, your list made me tired, too!
I started by taking the dog for a walk around the block. She thought it was great, because I walked so slow that she got plenty of time to sniff and think (we call it pee-mail at our house), and I got to smell the air and see the trees and just enjoy what's out there. After a while, I started paying attention to how my body felt, and the feeling of loosening. I just decided that I wasn't going to live in a fat prison any more!
I was a marathon swimmer as a kid, and have begun swimming laps again. It's great, I don't get all red-faced and hot, and I am stretched when I'm done.
Try doing one thing for yourself today, even though you KNOW that you're not worth it. Pretend that you are - after a while, it may even get to be a habit.

We deserve this. Take care, dear. Know that we all struggle with this.

Sue