Laurie: I am sure it is strange to be in a place where you don't have to struggle constantly to reach a new low weight. When you spend that much time and energy with that concern always in your mind for so much of your life, and "all of a sudden" that issue is no longer an issue, I'm sure it is unsettling. I am so happy for you though! That's awesome to reach a goal and be able to stay there! I hope you are able to wrap your head around how great it is and learn to enjoy it. You might be smart in getting some sort of counseling to work through new issues!

For me, I'm back in the week, so I'm doing better. Yesterday wasn't a great day, just some emotional crap bringing me down. Nothing critical, mainly just hating that the weather is getting so much cooler, and a few little issues at work. But, I went and worked out this morning, doing my own weight lifting, and felt better after. Working hard at staying on track with food. I have a good lunch packed! I didn't make it hiking yesterday, so I might try to get it in tonight.

Missing everyone! Hope all is well.

Diane - After I posted that, I thought about it, and worried about how truly obnoxious that post was on so many levels. Thank you for being so kind about it. Glad that you're back in the rhythm of the week, making primarily good choices, and I love that you have embraced the value of exercise as a stress reliever. You work so hard, both for your family and in your work. I am so glad that you take at least a little bit of time for self-care, and hope that you can find additional ways to do things that will support your physical and emotional health. Cuz you are fantastic.

TL:DR - I am using this space to journal as I try to figure out the source of my malaise and how to deal with it productively. Feel free to skip.

Ironically, I made some really bad food choices yesterday. I had two shots of Fireball pretty late in the evening, and proceeded to eat myself sick. Not excessively sick, but "have to sit up in bed and fall asleep because if I am horizontal I will burp acid into my mouth" sick. I am going to ask for a bit of indulgence as I use this space for a bit of therapy journalling.

I have had so much malaise lately, and no good reason for it. As I mentioned earlier, things are going exceedingly well. Part of it is the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" quandary, also known as the "If you don't really enjoy the calm, you'll regret it when things are bad" guilt. Part of it is the acceptance of the fact that it is not the destination I enjoy so much as the journey and the sense of accomplishment I get when I've achieved something challenging. I hate being fat. I hate being out of shape. I hate it when my husband and I fight. I hate it when I can't pay my bills. But I loved watching the scale go down. I loved the excitement of the first time I ran for three minutes straight. I love the euphoria when my husband and I resolve things. I know these things about myself, and have for a long time. So, why am I struggling now rather than just setting new goals? Part of it is that I don't want to lose what I have. If I focus on another arena where I want to accomplish big things, will I lose the things I have that I have worked so hard to achieve? For a long time, I have really wanted to just be at a stable weight and fitness level. But it's still hard, and I don't have the big reward at the end. I can run five miles. How do I know? I did it three times last week. How to celebrate an accomplishment that is essentially the status quo?

Honestly, my biggest fear is becoming like my husband. And I don't say that in a way that is derogatory at all to him. He wants to work, to skate by at work by only doing what is required, come home, occasionally do some projects around the house, but mostly just watch TV and plan vacations. And he is constantly bored. Always having something to strive for is an integral part of my identity, and the struggle is written in my DNA. I don't just do the job as it is defined. The job I have now, for example, was pretty straight-forward when I started. I expanded the work we do, and was rewarded by being given additional employees to work for me. My two-person unit is now a five-person unit, and we have consistently demolished our targets, resulting in exponentially-increased revenue, which means my unit will likely continue to expand. And yet, I still make the same as the other people in my division who have the same job title and same salary, and work significantly fewer hours and get significantly fewer results. The praise and the trust I get mean something, but maybe not enough. Diane, sometimes I get the impression that you and I are similar in this. I am guessing that you are the heart and soul of your office, and everyone is constantly praising your reliability and the quality and quantity of work you produce. I am also guessing that you aren't compensated at nearly your value. Pure speculation, of course, but it happens to women A LOT. I hope I am wrong, and your obvious value to your company is reflected in your salary.

So, I think I am going to take a break from the chaos and just plan. I don't have to spend more time on fitness activities. I just need to spend some time planning how best to utilize the time I already invest in it. And really - even though I can run five miles and can now complete ten good push-ups, for example, I've never been able to do a pull-up. Getting out of my nicely-defined rut might have some serious benefits. I still want to be able to run, so I want to keep running, but I might want to focus on getting faster instead of just doing the same distance again and again. So, on the fitness front, I am going to put together a plan to be able to do a pull-up on the strength training front and a plan to be able to run faster on the cardio front. I will continue to walk and do my body weight exercises during the workday because those are routine and can be relaxing.

On the diet front, I think I am going to try out the Bulletproof diet for just a couple of weeks. I don't necessarily need to get thinner, though I could lose another fifteen pounds or so without being "too thin," I think. But the Bulletproof diet promises increased mental clarity, and I am all about that.

On the work front, I am going to figure out how to just do the bare minimum and feel good about it. I already have a strong reputation, and our team is getting good results. The "bare minimum" is great for my employer, and does not make me feel like they're taking advantage of me.

On the husband front, I am going to continue doing things that have made the marriage better, like leaving work earlier. I am also going to try to be a bit more assertive about what I need, while also doing my best to reassure on other fronts. The other day, we were watching a show, and one of the characters described her husband as a "fat piece of sh!t." He asked me if I talk about him that way. Ummm.... **** no. Not only would I be a total hypocrite, but I feel very strongly that being fat is like having brown eyes -- just a physical characteristic not worthy of judgment. When I assured him that I never have and never would, he said, "But you think it, right?" Except hello -- the woman was talking about not wanting to have sex with her husband. Even when we are having our problems, lack of sex is never an issue. So, I just need to take a deep breath, understand he has his own insecurities, stop him when those insecurities inspire him to attack me, and try to more casually navigate the relationship.

On the children front. I need to maintain contact with children, both adult and almost-adult, without smothering or hovering. I need to honestly and accurately evaluate how much, if any, intervention they need from me, and to be available to them, but mostly on my schedule. (For example, my 20yo calls me 3-5 times a day. I don't need to feel guilty about not answering every time he calls.)

On the "next big goal" front. I want to make money so that I can support causes I enjoy, be able to help my children when they need it, and be able to travel when I want and where I want. I am going to set out a plan with deadlines, and follow it.

I actually feel way better right now. I can do this. And I can do it without being so annoyingly whiny.

Hope everyone has a great day and a great week!

Laurie: Feel free to use this space as you wish! I'm sure we could all benefit from your thoughts and maybe someone will have some ideas of what might help. I think it is something that you'll need to do, to establish new goals. It looks like you have some good thoughts on what you want to do, moving forward.

And, you are right about how I am at my job. In fact, I'm dealing with a little bit of that right now. It's a long explanation of what I do, but part of how I am is that I try to help out others with getting things done. I'm very much a team player, because I feel like if we are doing right for our company and clients, everyone benefits. But, sometimes that results in feeling used. I think it is going to work out as it should, but one of my coworkers may be moving out of town. They love her (and I do, too), so they were trying to figure out how she could still work here, remotely. Um, no. That won't work. Long story short, I would have been "helping" from here. No, I do not want to be her assistant. Nope. That is not my life career goal. Anyway, we'll see how it goes.

Not much else new here.

week 2 restart
 

So my first week back after almost 6 years I lost 5 pounds. I am struggling feeling so hungry all of the time and weak. This time around I have Chronic Myeloid Leukemia and my daily chemo has its own set of side effects one of which is WEIGHT GAIN. I started this new chemo almost 2 months ago and immediately put on 10lbs, which made me want to start IP again ASAP! I have never been heavier in my life and the past year has had such struggles including weight and CANCER. I could use any tips anyone may have. I am eating my snack in the afternoon because I just can't make it through the work day. I am giving it one month and hoping for great success to continue because I need to feel good about something.

TBird: It is hard to get back into it and getting your body used to the lower amount of calories! Sorry to hear you have all of the other issues to deal with at the same time. That's rough! Good luck moving forward!!

For me, nothing new. Just checking in before the weekend. Hope everyone has a good one!

Good morning!

I sort of dropped off the face of the planet. Depression is insidious, and sometimes, I can talk myself out of it. I worry that I might have talked myself into it. But I KNOW it is a fact of my life.

Diane - I really do get that vibe from you--the overworked, extremely competent, under-compensated professional. One day, I want to build a team of women like you and start a business, and then make sure you are compensated for the work you do. It would be a fantastic investment. Hope you had a great weekend!

TBird - So nice to see a new face on here! I have been trying to think of something to say that would be helpful and uplifting without minimizing the fact that you're facing cancer, but have been coming up short. I can't even imagine the challenge of something like that. I do get what you mean about dealing with an unfamiliar body, though. It has to be disconcerting, especially given your other health issues. Glad you're tackling it, and glad you're tackling it with us.

I skipped work Thursday and Friday, intending to work from home. Instead, I ate myself sick and struggled to get out of bed. I wanted to do it again today, but committed to taking kids to school so I knew I would have to get to work. I have a plethora of sick leave and good will built up, so I could stay home without much significant consequence, but I know myself well enough to know that staying home will likely make it I'm so far behind now, and still fighting my way out of this headspace. I'm grateful that my exercise habits are so well-ingrained, however, as I continued to walk, lift weights, and run, though at a lower-intensity level.

Goals for the Day-
1 - 20K steps
2 - 2 sets of bodyweight exercises
3 - Get to the gym
4 - Eat smarter.
5 - Actually get work done
6 - Eat a cup of spinach today.

I don't feel like doing any of this, but the beauty is, I don't need to feel like doing any of it to do it. Hopefully, I will be able to force myself to go through the motions. So often, going through the motions and getting the serotonin boost associated with accomplishments can spring me from the depression prison. That will be my hope today.

Hope all y'all have a great day, despite the frightening and depressing national news.

Laurie: Sorry you had a rough weekend. It's hard to break off that path sometimes once it begins. I would have so much trouble working from home. I know it would be so much quieter, but it would probably be so hard for me to get out of my own head. I do that anyway when I take a day off that isn't the weekend or a holiday. Anyway, glad you are still making your goals and taking the positive way!

For me, I went to the gym to run today. I had really wanted to go hiking this weekend, but it was so rainy. It is raining today, so it might be a little while before I can go hiking after work, too. Mud is everywhere. But, maybe the sun will come out soon and start drying everything. I'll go tomorrow to lift weights, and hopefully hike after work.

Food is still a struggle. I can feel myself heading into the mindset of "hunting is coming", so I'll worry about it after that week. Not a great way to be, but I do this every year.... :) I still have all of this week and most of next week for work, so I don't need to be like that yet. Oh well.

Hope everyone else is good!!!

Good morning!

Diane - I like to run in the rain, and I sometimes like to slug through mud. But I think you're definitely doing the smart thing by not risking injury by trying to hike in that. Can't be injured for hunting season! I'm so appreciative of your daily check-ins, by the way. I love reading what you have to write, and I love the reminder that we're not alone in this. Hopefully, the sun will do its work, and you'll be able to enjoy the fall hiking season!

I worked from home yesterday. My kids' school district received threats of violence, and they closed school. Ugh. I have not recovered from my latest bout with depression, but I am feeling better than I was. I am getting back on the wagon, in a number of ways. Goals are part of that. So...

1 - Eat mindfully. Again.
2 - 15K steps.
3 - Stump marching with the family.
4 - Weigh in the morning.
5 - Get up in time to hit the gym before work.

HI. , very new to this. Am I allowed to steam my 2 cups of veggies or even put mushrooms and spinach with water in frying pan ? Or does it have to be raw ?
Thanks!

Good morning!

Ddelaney - I think you probably posted this to the wrong thread? I would love to try to answer your question, but it sounds like your questions are about a specific diet, and I'm not familiar with the diet. Hope you find an answer, and that you're successful in your endeavors!

I had a better day yesterday. There's something magical, for me, about publishing my goals to this group. I didn't want to weigh this morning, but I did. And only becauuse I said I would. I also got up for the gym, but ended up dealing with some other stuff, so didn't actually go to the gym. Back up to 147.6. It AMAZES me how fast I can gain weight. But I am feeling stronger and more capable of dealing with this stuff, and I know I feel much better physically and mentally when I tackle this stuff head-on, so I am on it again! And hopefully, at least the first three or four pounds will come off relatively effortlessly, since it might be just carby water weight.

Goals -
1 - Eat mindfully.
2 - Work out before work in the morning.
3 - Tai chi with the family.
4 - Run or lift weights this afternoon.
5 - Three sets of bodyweight exercises.
6 - 15K steps.

Laurie: It is so amazing how quickly weight can come back on. What a pain! I'm sure you'll get it back down. I'm glad you post your goals, too. They give me ideas and inspiration!

For me, I'm feeling the relaxing mode coming on. It looks like we may not be able to hunt the entire season, but I'll still have 6 days off, and I can't wait. I am needing some time away for sure!! One more week of work, and then I'm done... starting next Friday.

Kind of fighting a little plantar fasciitis. It isn't as bad as I have had it in the past, but kind of sore. So, taking it a little easy.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. Not much to report today, for me. :)

Just a quick check-in from me, too. I am still not mentally on track, but I am getting there. Glad to continue to have this resource.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Hey Laurie: Glad you are still checking in even when you're not where you want to be. It is so easy to just get a little off and then not want to check in and take the time to write anything. Hang in there! I hope things start going better for you soon!

For me, I'm just trying to survive the week. I can't wait to have some time off, but the 4 days before that happens are the big unknown. I'm hoping that nothing too weird comes in! I will be off next week, but I think I'll be home a lot, so I'll check in. If you don't hear from me, I'm still off the grid. But I'll be back.

Good afternoon!

Second try at a check-in. My partially-written entry from this morning was deleted.

Diane - Hope that the plantar fasciitis goes away. I have that, too, though I have not had a flare-up in some time. But it can get pretty tender and make it difficult to walk, and you deserve to have a fantastic, pain-free hunting season. You've worked really hard to stay fit enough that you can enjoy the rigors of hunting. Hope you get through the "I don't want to come back to a mess, so I am going to work really hard to get ahead" next four days.

I am still working to get and stay on track, but things are much better. I am also in a better headspace right now. Still behind at work, but that's a constant. I have not been as productive as I would like, though, so I am hoping that I will be more productive. I did have a physical this morning, and my lungs and heart have definitely benefited from my (fairly) consistent exercise routine.

Goals for the day -
1 - Two sets of body weight exercises.
2 - Run for 3 miles.
3 - 20K steps.
4 - Finish the first four things on my to-do list for work.
5 - Increase mindfulness in general, and mindful eating in particular.

Hope everyone has a fantastic day!