Sometimes while trying to eat healthier I get these surges of encouragement. However, this go around (which is probably my 6th serious attempt after trying and failing and then gaining it all back plus some) I just..don't get it. I just went through a bad break up, an unexpected break up. And I feel worse than ever. I caught my reflection in a window earlier and thought "Jesus Christ how the **** will THAT ever even look acceptable" not to other people but to ME. I just feel like I have so far to go that it won't happen or that I can't do it.
I know everyone has ups and downs when doing this but I have started and restarted and failed so many times, I want to give up. For the first time ever I'm embarrassed to leave my apartment. It's just an awful feeling.
Graduation coming up in May has put a lot of pressure on me. I hate the idea of attending the ceremony but my family is expecting me to, if I look the same then as I do now, I will not go, not even for them. The last thing I need is a photographic reminder that I made it all the way through high school fat...and then all the way through college...fat.
I'm so sick of being fat. I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever felt like it's just utterly hopeless and there's no use in trying.