I just had a depressing few days.

I can't even put my finger on anything specific, just that I was feeling all dowdy and bleh. I suspect my energy is beginning to drain from the pregnancy as I'm currently approaching the sixth week; I've been really emotional and more anxious than usual as well. I did get a lot of light walking in on Sunday by browsing the swap meet, but I so didn't want to be there. And all I wanted to do yesterday was stay at home and mope around.

Hubby and I made a quick run to a couple of stores last night to find a doggy pooper scooper (TMI? ) since I know I'll probably have trouble bending over to clean the yard after the pups in a few months. I changed into one of my new shirts before taking off, and as I caught a glimpse of my figure out of the corner of my eye, I realized that I probably won't get to wear any of my new clothes for long and felt like a blob all over again.

What gives? I was hoping the days of feeling like a blob would be over. I'm currently around 212, which is pretty much the smallest I've ever been as an adult. And I know the weight gain I'll be facing is temporary, but I was on such a roll this past year. Watching my weight go down has been more magical than I'd let myself realize, I think. I've been telling myself all along that the numbers don't matter, that I just want to get healthier and have a baby. But finally managing to get under 220 for the first time since junior high was a big moment for me, a sign that I accomplished something that I used to believe was impossible. And now that I'm pregnant? I couldn't be happier about that since it's something I've always wanted and because it actually was my main goal with getting healthier, but I sort of feel I got stopped in my tracks.

It's still early on in the pregnancy of course, and maybe I'm just overwhelmed. I think I'm still a little scared because I lost my very first pregnancy last year. I've been doing the best to my ability when it comes to providing my body nutrition and overall health ever since the miscarriage in hopes of conceiving, and now that I'm pregnant again I'm going to continue to take care of my body and in turn, take care of my growing baby. Which of course, is much more important than seeing a certain number on a scale or fitting into a certain size. And I'm pretty confident in my current health, given how I'm in a much better state than I was when I conceived in late 2011 (not only had I locked myself into a steady regain, I was a complete mess physically and emotionally).

As we were leaving the store last night, Hubby was aware of my recent lack of energy and general mopey-ness, and suggested that I try to eat more for now. I explained how I've already added more and that I'm doing my best to listen to my body. I also explained that I don't want this to turn into a slippery slope and undo the near-60-pound loss I accomplished in the past year. He agreed that it can indeed be a slippery slope, but that he's here to support me and he'll help me take this one day at a time.

I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning, but I made myself a healthy breakfast, did some online browsing, and headed off to the pool to do some aqua-jogging. I had a yummy lunch with protein, healthy fat, fruit, and lots of veggies. And I think I'm feeling better. I've known ever since I got pregnant that my priorities had to shift slightly, and part of me feels frustrated that I can no longer look forward to finally getting under 200 pounds by this summer. That feels rather selfish of me in light of the circumstances though.

So I'm picking myself back up, and doing my best to focus on taking on one day at a time and being the very best that I can be. I'm making a ham-veggie casserole for dinner and plan on taking a leisurely walk after the sun goes down. I'm in a very good place right now, the very best I've ever been actually. Rather than throw myself a pity-party, I need to realize that so I can enjoy where I'm at right now.

I'm not sure what the point of all this was, but thanks for listening.

Hoping for brighter days ahead for you! I'd suspect that it all has something to do with the changes your body is going through. It sounds like you have a good plan moving forward with your pregnancy and that you are listening to your body which is always good. If you are anything like me, just typing it out and getting it off of your chest and out of your head helps a little bit.

It will only undo your losses if you let it. Keeping up your exercise and smart diet choices are the BEST things you can do, and you may very well end up UNDER your prepregnancy weight by the end, if you don't us this as license to give into every craving or majorly overeat. By sticking to my calorie budget except for maybe every other weekend dates I managed to be ten pounds UNDER prepregnancy with my son's birth, which was right in the middle of my weight loss. And with this baby, I was only about ten pound UP from prepregnancy when the dust settled, and was pretty generous with my cravings provided the food was on plan (ie: I ate the right things, just too much of them, and gained only minimally ).

You can do this, it's not even hard, but rather a mental game that takes some discipline to master. Culture says pregnancy is a time to let it all hang out, eat for two, take it easy on activity, etc. In reality, it is more important than EVER to eat nourishing food, in moderate quantities, and keep as physically active as is comfortable. Many pregnancy related maladies can be minimized or even avoided entirely by proper diet and exercise. I know it feels like a big old stall in the midst of progress (hence why I'm coming up on my five year anniversary of actively losing weight - two babies smack dab in the middle of it ) but if you're diligent you likely won't lose ground and could even healthfully gain some leverage and end up trimmer post-baby, just by continuing what you've become accustomed to and not going nuts on the food. It's totally doable, and not even hard, provided you're really good at tuning out well meant conventional wisdom

And yes, it is very likely all these emotions are hormonally related. It is certainly an adjustment mentally and physically, but the psychological changes we must contemplate during an impending birth are also pretty epic. It changes you forever, in definition (gaining the ascribed title of 'mother') and every day practice. It changes the way you relate to your spouse. It changes the way you perceive your body. All of these changes can absolutely be for the better, especially if you're committed to making it so (my body made a HUMAN, with this AWESOME MAN! Woohoo!) but much of it is what you make of it with your own mental narrative. It can all seem very overwhelming, but try practicing some mindful positive reinforcement on the areas you're feeling emotionally vulnerable and I think you'll be pleased with the results when the hormones settle a bit

/end novel!

Hugs

You can be happy to be pregnant and still feel like a beached whale (I did with both my pregnancies) lol

*hugs* the mopeyness and tiredness is probably your body adjusting to the hormones and whatnot. Growing a human takes energy! lol

If you are worried about the gain talk to your doctor about a food plan, I've heard of overweight women losing during pregnancy, you just have to be very very specific about what you eat to get proper nutrients, but your body is built to break down fat to nourish the baby in times of limited resources (supposedly and only up to a certain degree, I am NOT a doctor so DO NOT do ANYTHING without consulting a doctor!)

I'm sorry to see you upset! I haven't been on as much recently so I missed your pregnancy announcement. I know all you've been through and was so excited to read that!!! YAY!!! But to read on and find you upset. No!

As with all of the rest of this journey - it's not about your weight changing - and you know that. You called it out. It's about your nervousness to gain, with the pregnancy being successful, etc. BUT - as you know - taking care of yourself will only help you handle those things better also. And yeah, your hormones are going crazy on top of this - so OF COURSE you're feeling this way. Give yourself permission to be a little mopey. Just take care of yourself also. If you aren't ready to take care of yourself with food or exercise, then do it with something else - paint your nails, get a haircut, buy a new pair of earrings or just carve out time for yourself to read a book or do something relaxing that you enjoy. Something that's just for you to feel pampered. I find that it's catching and I start taking care of myself with food and exercise next. It's just that initial push to get me going again and out of the frumpies.

You will get through this and come out stronger and happier and wiser! (And with a new little one to love - soon you'll be posting about how to manage exercise with a baby and we'll all be here to help you through that, too.) So, hugs and take care of both of you.

We're here for you Ella!

onagain - Thank you, I am feeling better now. Writing out does help and so have all the responses. I imagine I'll be facing a lot of ups and downs throughout the rest of the year (such is life!) and I want to be adaptable and mentally prepare myself so I don't undo all my hard work.

Taryl - Thanks, I definitely don't want to make the mistake of letting the pregnancy be a free-for-all for an eating frenzy! I think I've at least got the right mindset for that, given that I don't even look at food in the same way as I did last year. Back then I was full of longing, hostility, and resentment towards "temptation" foods, but eventually realized I needed to basically get that chip off my shoulder if I wanted to become successful. Trigger foods are kept out of the house, I barely notice them in the stores anymore (if at all), and can easily say no thanks to them when eating away from home. I'm at peace with that, and I don't see that changing as long as I stay vigilant with my plan. I'm really enjoying my veggies and am more than satisfied with smaller portions of everything else these days. I'm also enjoying the exercise. I already miss the jogging, but the aqua-jogging is at least making a nice substitute for it and I also stay active in other ways. I think I have the positive mindset to nourish my body properly.

I had to laugh the other night; I eat out once a week with a group of ladies, and they picked a particular fast food joint. Although I'm not a vegetarian I do enjoy the veggie burgers there, so I ordered one and substituted avocado for the thousand island dressing and added jalapenos. And instead of the usual fries, onion rings, or fried zucchini they come with, I got a salad with dressing on the side. The lady next to me made a snarky comment about how I need to learn to eat like I'm pregnant! I smiled and noted that I was craving avocado and jalapenos and ordered exactly what I wanted (true story!) and carried on with the previous conversation without skipping a beat. But all I could think about was that the very reason I got up to 360 pounds in the first place was because I was quite literally eating enough for two, even without being pregnant.

I think the mopey-ness has passed for now, and I realize I still have a lot of new concepts swimming around in my head that may become challenging in the upcoming months. I'm sure I'll be alright as long as I stay on top of things one day at a time. I've got the support of a very loving husband along with his family, I've got a nice, stable home with plenty of room waiting for the baby, and I'm doing everything I can to take care of this body.

Thank you for the reply, I do appreciate the "novel."

Mozzy - Yeah, I think feeling like a beached whale just goes with the territory. I'm feeling much better now regardless.

pnkrckpixikat - Thanks! I'm definitely talking to my doctor ASAP, and will ask if she can suggest a dietitian just so I can make sure I'm eating enough. I've currently upped my calories some while sticking with the types of foods I've already been eating: lots of veggies, some fruit, nuts, whole grains, meat, nothing with added sugars, etc.

Annie - Thanks, I'm feeling a lot better now at least. I'm really doing my best to keep my emotions in perspective, as they're bound to shift around a lot at a time like this. And I guess that's why I wrote the original post? Because I knew better than to feel down about everything, yet there it was. I felt it through and it has passed, for now at least. And I just want to make sure I can keep these crazy emotions in perspective throughout the coming months so that they don't build up into an issue that can get me derailed. I really want to stay on top of everything, as overwhelming as it may get at times.

I think something that helped a lot actually was going shopping yesterday. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but I needed a new, formal-type dress for an event next month as anything I have even remotely appropriate is HUGE on me. And I was really frustrated at first; I realize sizes vary but I'm typically a 16 now, and in most stores everything either went up to only a 14 or 18, and the 18's were way too small in the bust and stomach. The plus sized stores had nothing remotely formal enough (everything has summer dresses now) so I was ready to give up. At most I was hoping for something suitable, but probably unflattering to my figure and matronly. I have so much trouble with dresses even after losing so much weight; I'm an apple and they tend to accentuate my stomach. But then I found something gorgeous in a size 16 on clearance at Macy's and felt like an absolute princess when I tried it on! I was walking on air for all of the rest of the day, especially after only paying $30 for the $120 dress. Now I just have to go shoe shopping since I'm even too small for my dress shoes now.

I'm actually looking forward to exercising after the baby! The athletic club I belong to has a location right down the street from MIL, and she's already said she'll be more than happy to watch the little one so I can work out. Hubby also told me that it will be a good idea to invest in a jogging stroller! It's good to know I've got a lot of support with this, perhaps the only issue will be finding the energy to get back off my butt once I've gone through all this and am taking care of the baby! But it's really good to know that I've got the support of you guys as well.

Missy - Thank you! I love being a part of this forum, so many caring, supportive people here.

1st tri and 3rd tri were the worst for me. I felt awful and greasy all of 1st tri, then marvelous 2nd tri. By 3rd tri I felt awful. It was hot, I was retaining water like a freaking pro and at 28 weeks I started putting on the weight. Up until then I had actually lost 5 pounds. Unfortunately, you don't know how you will react. Good luck!

Thanks for sharing your story, Dichi! This is all new to me so we'll see how it goes.

I don't remember if I said congrats about the baby yet, but who cares if this is a second time, this is such nice news! lol! So CONGRATS!!!

And like a couple of others have said, sometimes you don't feel great physically during pregnancy, or you are ambivalent about the changes in your body. That doesn't mean you are any less happy about the pregnancy itself or any less ready to love that baby. Just be kind to yourself, you have the hormones working against you, plus all the emotions from your previous loss, and that's a lot to handle.

I've never had a baby,l so I can't offer any helpful advice, but I just wanted to say that I totally get where you're coming from. The last time that we talked about pregnancies, my friends, and I that is, the first thought that popped into my head was "OMG, that would screw up all this weight loss".

Look at it this way though: You have the back knowledge to not make the mistake that a lot of new mothers to be make and over do it and end up with more weight than is necessary to lose!