Silly Silly Goal Weight
 

Goodness! I know I won't be the first (or the last!) person to complain about this, but how on earth is my chosen goal weight anyone else's business but my own? :p And why do people that don't even know me very well try their damnedest to convince me that I should stop losing weight already? :dizzy: I'm talking about complete guilt trips and everything . . . because I've apparently lost more than enough and should be satisfied with where I'm at; after all, they'd love to be down to my size. Let's not even think about how I'm still technically obese. :lol:

I do understand how it works, that people are used to seeing me a certain way, that perhaps the status quo has been disrupted, but it just boggles my mind how people make my weight their business. I'm happy with where I'm at, and I'm happy with where I'm going. Don't assume I'm going for an unrealistic ideal, don't assume I have an eating disorder, and don't assume I have no appreciation for all my hard work simply because I haven't reached a goal that hasn't met your approval.

Silly, silly goal weight . . . why does it intimidate others so? :p

I would totally think those people might be a little threatened by your weight loss ;)

pull out the doctor card: as in my doctor would like me to lose a bit more for my health... My doctor recommended that i stop eating... My doctor told me...

also you are right about people having a distorted view. My neighbours who have a completely normal BMI told me the same thing when i was still technically obese. It is really about perception. They eventually got used to the new me.

I think it is about having a sense of order, I mean people are comfortable with things that are predicable.....the sky is blue,ice is cold ...she fat...He is tall, things like that.

I have been on the receiving end of a ton of advice ....you don't need to lose anymore weight....by Both Heavy And Skinny people....

I think it is all about placing things in categories ....and I don't take it personal.

Although sometimes I would like to call people out who are commenting on my weight ....Hey WHY did you Not Tell Me I Was FAT!!!!! That would not be PC to call you out about that....but to call you names about being Skinny ....Everyone feels Comfortable ..calling you Skinny Bones ...Anorexic!!

My daughter is in High School some girl walks up to her ...she has only seen in the halls and calls her Anorexic for her height! My Girl turns around and in front of a guy friend ....tells this. chick according to you hight your Overweight!! This Chick gave let out a Hmmm like she could not believe my daughter said that and stomped away! The boy by daughter was with looked at her like...Wow you are fierce! My daughter is a sweetheart but she has a bite! Of course I told her there could have been another way to handle it....but she was be bullied and she
Pushed back and the Bully folded like a cheap card table!
To be young again a be able to give a verbal slap!
We of course have self control and manners and would not do this....My daughter is fierce...A Sweet Pretty Girl who is quiet ...but watch out She has a Powerful Bite!
Roo2

You might have noticed that I changed my profile goal weight yesterday. I also changed my ticker to bring to me to a healthy weight. Beyond that- I've decided it's my body's decision on where it wants to be.

I think some people begin to get threatened when the people around them begin losing weight. They begin feeling guilty everytime they see you... you become a reminder of everything that they should be doing.... BUT...that is NOT your problem. You are getting healthy.

I'm not there yet, but I'm already thinking about responses to such inquiries/demands. I like the idea of using the doctor card. When I moved from "losing weight" to "inflammation/arthritis/blood sugar" as my reasons for eating the way I do, I immediately got less flak from certain friends (who are SURE that low-carb is unhealthy and faddish).

I also think a simple, "Oh, yes, I'm definitely slowing down as I get closer to a normal weight" and not actually defining what that "normal weight" is that you're aiming for, might be helpful.

Oh yes. This is why I say, "oh I'm just doing this to prevent heartburn/psorisis/etc." I deny any weight loss inquires. "Oh I don't think I'm losing weight." or I haven't gotten on the scale in months." But if I were like GUYZ I'M GOING ON A DIET. There would be mad gossip!

I think that in person, I'm a little intimidating. No one has made any unsolicited comments about my goal weight nor has anyone intimated that I've lost too much. I do get a lot of compliments on my weight loss thus far, particularly from people who haven't seen me in a while. I had lunch with one of my former co-workers a few weeks ago. He hadn't seen me in almost a year. When he saw me, at first he didn't recognize me, then he blurted out, "HOLY S***! Where's the other half of you!" It made me feel good and laugh at the same time.

But back to the point at hand. People rarely offer me unsolicited advice and on the few occasions that it does happen, and it's not welcome*, I make sure they know that. I really don't suffer fools gladly.

*Human interaction means that people share experiences and advice. The only time I push back is when someone crosses boundaries of privacy, offensiveness or stupidity. Oh, and woo. Woo raises my blood pressure faster than almost anything else. "You know if you just Powder X on your food you can eat all you want and still lose weight!" No. Just, no.

Sunny, it isn't any of their business. And when someone asks a question or makes a comment that is none of their business I either give them the silent stare or else turn the tables and ask them why they would ask such a personal question. Usually the stare works (what my family fondly refers to as "the look"), but some people are just too dense to know that they've stepped over the line. That's when the verbal is used. If they're still being nosy, I just end the conversation by saying that I appreciate their concern but it's a personal matter that I don't choose to discuss with them. I try to remain polite, but I have just walked away when all else failed.

I love this! I like to give people looks like, "did you really just say that?" People's comments don't really bother me at this point but they did in the beginning. Everyone's an expert and everyone has an opinion. Most people seem to see that I'm well on my way and don't make comments but if they do I always ask, "why would I stop doing something that's working really well for me?" And I usually don't tell people exactly how much more weight I want to lose.

I don't tell anyone anything about my weightloss, my goal weight, my starting weight, NOTHING! This is for me, my husband and my hopefully future family and no one else.

In the past, I thought it made me more accountable for people to know my progress and my goals. All it did was cause guilt, shame, remorse and then, the ultimate failure. I don't blame them for my failure, it was my own doing. But the constant comments (whether positive or negative) drove me to the point that I couldn't take dieting anymore. How much did you lose, how much did you gain the last time, are you really going to eat that, have another piece because you are thinner now, you do enough exercise, you are obsessed with all of this, you eat too plain/too many salads/too many vegetables, omg, I could go on and on. And mind you, none of this was a conversation ever started by me.

So now...like you...I'm making awesome progress, I'm happy for the first time in a very long time, I can feel my confidence growing in my attitude and clothing choices, just everything seems so much more hopeful now.

The only way I have learned to cope with this is to say my weight is off limits for topics in conversation. At first I was scared, now I know I have no reason to be scared. And if they insist on talking about it, it's a one side conversation and I just look at them.

Now you all or my husband or my nutritionist, I can talk about my weightloss goals, success, hardships, everything all day long!! But not the nosy ones in real life, no matter how good their intentions. I can't get burned again.

Wow. I'm looking at all the tickers on this thread...and I'm just in AWE. You all inspire me every single day.

ETA: I just HAD to do the math... With those that have posted so far- there has been a 770 pound loss cumulative! 770 pounds!!
Holy Geeze. Let me soak up some of this incredible weight loss mojo.

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/1658597120/h31419F80/

P.S. I know weight loss isn't luck. It's hard work, but this picture was so cute!

ahhhh girl, I totally agree with everyone you've said. I've started to get the "Don't lose any more weight" and "you're going to blow away with one strong wind" . I'm like 5 lbs from the obese category so I know that a strong wind is not going to topple me! LOL. I kind of just smile and move on. The only time I said something back was when my mom's friend actually told me I was so skinny I was sickly. WTF? I know I don't look sickly, and I didn't lose weight unhealthily, so I gave her a piece of my mind. NO one dared tell me "You're obese" or "you need to lose weight" when I was 299 pounds, why do they get to tell me I'm too skinny or to Stop losing weight? It doesn't make sense :(

OMG!!!!! We are awesome!!!

892....

Yeah...I think we should do a quick little thread here and see what we got going on...

My mom asked me how far I had to go the other day, and when I said that another hundred would put me at where I was at my smallest, but I'd like to go about 15 pounds below that I got a resounding "That's not realistic at all. If you make it to 250 you'll be doing well."

Ok then. That only puts me 70 pounds above a normal BMI, but sure. I'll stop there. Whatever.

Thanks for all the comments, everyone. :)

For a little more background, my weight loss journey is often center stage, partially because I'm one of the leaders of my weight loss group, and partially because I've been their most successful member of the chapter in years. And I knew this job was dangerous when I took it. ;) So yes, this was happening at last night's weight loss meeting. :dizzy: I've had fully prepared spiels in my head for ages; based on the comments I've recently been getting I knew this was likely to hit soon.

I even pulled the doctor's card last night, pointing out how several doctors throughout my history have recommended that I weigh 150. The response? "Well, you can't listen to doctors when it comes to things like that, they don't know what they're talking about!" Um, wow. :dizzy: I pointed out that I'm still in the obesity category ("charts don't mean anything"), that I'm still ready to accomplish more ("you should be happy with where you already are"), and that I want to be healthy ("you're already healthy and that's all that matters!"). Um . . . I am happy but I want to do more, and once again . . . hello, I'm still obese? :lol:

We are a very goal-oriented group, as reaching our own personal maintenance goals (which require a doctor's approval in writing!) allow us to graduate to a different tier of the membership. So I choose to remain very open and honest about all my numbers, including where I started, where I'm currently at, and how far I am from goal. I do realize that sets me up for all kinds of commentary, but when I see so many whine that they'll never even lose 20 pounds, I want to lead by example and show that losing even a much more significant amount can be done in a healthy way. I also see so many members ashamed and all hush-hush over their numbers and I want them to know that these numbers don't define them in a negative light. I used to weigh 360 pounds and I own it. I'm still obese and I own it. And who knows, maybe I'm crazy with how I see things. But the point is that I'm not ashamed. I'm of the opinion that trying to deal with weight loss through shame makes it that much more difficult to accomplish.

This is not tearing me down, by the way; I'm at an emotionally stable point and this will do nothing to derail me. I guess I just find it interesting? I'll continue to be the positive, cheery person I've always been as one of the leaders and do everything I can to make the meetings run smoothly. I'll continue to give presentations, answer questions, cheer everyone on . . . and I'll keep on working at my own progress story. :)

* * *

And holy cow, we've lost how much? :D

Sighs. I basically got the same thing from my mom when I told her I wanted to be 135, she didn't think that was realistic and that it was too skinny. Um, I am only an inch and half taller than her and she is 120-130. It kinda sucks because I was hoping for some support and/or encouragement that I can make it there. Sometimes I do wonder if that is her way of "helping" because she is worried that I will kill myself trying to get to 135 and give up, regain if I don't make it there.

I believe in you, Jane. You CAN do it.

Elladorine, your follow-up post is awesome. You are amazing, I can't imagine how inspirational you are in person!!!

I loved reading all these posts; everyone is such a wonderful inspiration! I'm glad I haven't had to deal with this kind of problem yet. Everyone I know (friends, family, and strangers) have been very supportive of me and my goals. I haven't had a single person tell me to stop anytime soon or that my goal was too much (although 175 is still at the high end for my height). Even if I go below 175 I know everyone will still be excited for me. Mostly I've had people suggest weights lower than 175 or just say I should stop whenever I'm comfortable. I couldn't imagine having to argue with someone about what I feel my own weight goal should be. Like everyone else said, it's definitely no one's business but yours.

Coming from the other side... I can understand how they get to their conclusions a little. For example, I look at pictures of Elladorine and think "wow. She looks perfect". But a) "perfect" is skewed for me because at over 400 pounds, everyone was smaller than me, and b) I've no benchmark for what she'll look like at 150. If I'd seen her that small, maybe I could say "yeah that's doable" or "no. Too small". It really may just be about them not being able to picture you looking any better than you do.

In my case, I remember being 215 pounds. And I was still heavy in places. I looked pretty good, but I knew I could be better. All my mom remembers is that I was down from 250 and I looked really good, and doing the math in her head, weighing 30 pounds more at 30 than I did at 15 makes sense to her.

Jane, I remember being there, or the skewed aspect of it at least. In fact I still cringe when I see anyone smaller than me complaining about being "fat" so I have to remind myself that we all have insecurities, and that we all carry different goals and expectations about our own bodies.

A few years back, one of my old best friends and I both decided we wanted to lose weight. She was the friend I was shopping with when I broke down upon realizing that I was too big to buy jeans at even the plus sized stores. While she was more than sympathetic, I felt like there was no way she could understand. She could still find cute, girly clothes from the juniors section (even if they were plus sized). Həll, she could still find decent clothes, period; I was getting by on stretch jeans from Walmart and men's t-shirts. While I did everything I could to cheer her on and be supportive, I had a hard time dealing with her complaints about being so "ungodly fat" when I was well over 100 pounds heavier than her. I always thought she looked great and envied not only the smaller sizes she was able to wear, but how she was able to actually find cute things and looked so great in them. I also envied how she didn't wear out as quickly as I when we were out and about.

I think that's why I do my best not to complain about being "fat" anymore, but if someone tries to tell me I'm "skinny," I just might point out that I still have a 45" waist or that I'm still considered obese. I'm sure I occasionally slip up though. I am proud of my progress and I'm sure it shows, but I often fear that I come off as a gloating attention whore that's only full of herself. To be honest I don't always know what I'm seeing when I look into the mirror. Sometimes I feel I should be happy with the changes that sometimes freak me out, sometimes I can't see the changes at all. Photos are an entirely different story . . . what's my face doing on that stick figure? :dizzy: The hard part is not letting any negative emotions dictate what I say or how I act.

I was in the mid 220's the last time I visited with my aunt. She was so proud of me and asked how much more I wanted to lose. She was shocked when I said around 70 pounds and told me that was way too much. I then reminded her that I was still well over 200, and she could barely believe that either but then noted that I'm a lot taller than her. I reassured her that I was basing my goal directly upon the advice of several doctors and that seemed to make her concerns disappear. I've never been skinny, at least not since long before puberty. I'm sure that people who've known me all their lives can't picture a thin Karen; as it is, I'm already perceived as unexpectedly and even shockingly "skinny" to them.

I managed to get down the 220's two other times in my life, and I think even that is skewed for me. I just remember feeling so freaking fantastically thin back then and considered it my personal perfect holy grail of bodies. I longed for that ideal for years and years. And now that I've surpassed it, it's not the same. Granted, I'm older now, and I've come from an even higher weight than before. Things have shifted around, certain parts aren't where they used to be, and I've got problem areas that weren't even a problem at my highest. And I seriously doubt being around 220 when I was 19 and again when I was 24 was really the ideal I remember so vividly after hyping it up in my head. Not that it was any less of an accomplishment, it was thinnest I'd ever been, after all. And in the past, I had several tell me that I'd never get down to 220 ever again, and even if I did, I would look horribly gaunt and unhealthy. And here I am at 211 . . . I feel better, I look better . . . but I'm still a work in progress in uncharted territory. I mean, I was already 250 pounds at the tender age of 14 and spent a good chunk of my life in that range (both before and after my highest), so people who have known me forever don't even think I should try to be anywhere under that because it just doesn't seem natural.

It's a total mindf*ck, it really is.

Elladorine- thanks for the post and perspective. I think you are handling it beautifully and you will probably have to continue handling these comments until you find the place you want to stop losing weight.

When I was a freshmen in college I lost the freshmen 15 instead of gained it. My mom actually asked me if I had enough money in my account to be eating all my meals. I was thin but looking at pictures I didn't look sickly at all. I think it's really all about being relative. A few months later my mom made a comment about how healthy I looked and how my skin was glowing and I seemed so strong and healthy. I weighed the same weight that I had weighed a few months prior where she was worried about me not having enough in my meal account! Now the shock of seein 15 pounds gone since the last time she saw me was gone. I bet when you get where you want to stay and maintain awhile no one will suggest you need to gain weight. Or at least no one whose aopion should matter to you! (maybe those who feel threatened that you are thinner than they are will make comments. But any comments wont be out of love or genuine concern) Also I think perhaps when we first lose weight we look thinner cause everything hasn't tightened back up and normalized.

You are one of the most inspirational posters on this forum. Thanks for being here to motivate the rest of us!

I agree with your last statement. It really is.

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I'm 50 pounds lighter than I was when I moved home. I look at old photos and I'm sure I'm smaller there. I have bizarre rolls that I've never had. I look in the mirror and I can't see progress at all. My mind automatically assumes I'm getting lied to when someone compliments me.

Yup, I pretty much am resolving myself to this. My boyfriend keeps telling me not to get "too skinny". I tell him not to worry...I love food too much to starve myself :lol:. My body will settle where it wants to settle.

Also- I stumbled across this thread this morning and I think it's just fascinating- http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/livi...-pick-you.html

I'm dying to know what my body wants to do. Right now I lose between 1.6-3.6lbs a week and it's been steady all this time so I want to keep doing what I'm doing as long as possible. I know it will slow down drastically when my body has had enough losing this fast. I want my body to pick my goal weight I think! And I will never have to worry about being too skinny either!

I've read about numerous people who have picked a goal weight...hit it- continued their awesome WOE and healthy lifestyle and actually dropped below their goal weight. Pretty neat!

re:
 

I honestly think these statements are some of the statements people use to rationalize with themselves about their OWN weight, especially if they're not succeeding. When they can say that to another person, suddenly it makes it more valid in their own case.

I also don't believe in giving such responses as the "doctor card" or similar. Why don't they just ask me what my blood glucose level is too or if I feel constipated that day? None of their business.

I do get hammered on by one person specifically, who happens to be my mother in law, who honestly just really cares and isn't trying to be snarky. I just have to keep reminding myself that's why she's saying those things.

I meant to reply to this yesterday and got sidetracked. This is a HOT topic for me right now.

I shared my 100 pound loss milestone with several people this past Sunday. One of my friends replied "That's great, just don't lose anymore or you will look gross". It really hurt my feelings. Gross? Really? Now, I know that she is projecting her issues on me, but that's just rude. I waited several hours before responding, and I just told her that it hurt my feelings and that it is NOT any different to say comments like that to a smaller person vs a bigger person. She's someone who has gone out of her way to always offer compliments with a disclaimer "You look great now, BUT you looked great before too." And the thing is, it isn't meant is a compliment, not really. You don't tell someone they looked great when they were obese and unhealthy and now that they are smaller tell them they are on the verge of gross.

One BIG downside to getting smaller is that people take it as a free pass to comment on anything to do with your body or what you eat. I don't know how many times people have said "You look fine, stop losing weight". It's like mind your OWN body, thank you very much! Arg!

My mother and I started our weight loss journey together. She needed to lose 50 pounds and I needed to lose at least 130 pounds. She's also 65 years old and retired. People have said the rudest things to her. That losing all that weight has made her face look gaunt and how much older she looks. She's a lot nicer than I am because I am quick to shut that kind of talk down. I think she looks amazing and I'm so proud of her progress.

I don't know if I'm at the point where people are going to start telling me that I don't need to lose anymore weight...that hasn't happened yet. What I have noticed is that the more weight I lose, the less and less I see of certain friends. That makes me sad.