I have credit card debt. DH and are combining finances next month and it's taking just about every fiber in my body to not fall to pieces. I'm so afraid that he's going to be disappointed and angry. But more then anything- I'm disappointed and angry at myself. I realized this morning...that I actually hate myself for getting into a financial bind. Hate is such a strong word.
Is this maybe even an issue related to weight loss? Perhaps part of me felt I wasn't deserving of that much happiness? :: deep breath :: Maybe so.
I'm trying to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for this conversation with DH and the aftermath that may or may not come. I'm trying to figure out how to forgive myself.
Today I wrote a letter to myself...the way in which I would like DH to respond to this all. I'm even thinking about including it in the folder I'm making with all my bills.
What other ideas to you have for forgiveness? Quieting anxiety? Loving yourself?
I thought I would share the letter. Does anyone else need to write a letter like this?
My Beloved Wife,
I know how incredibly difficult this is for you. You have been carrying this heavy burden around since before I even met you. Please let me lessen the load. I hate to see you hurting and stressed. Moreover, it breaks my heart when I hear that inside- you hate yourself because of the mistakes you made with your finances. It’s just money. Yes, it’s important, but there are SO many other amazing and wonderful things that define you as a person, Deanna. We will get through this together.
No matter how disappointed I might appear, nothing changes the fact that I am looking forward to spending our lives together. I love sharing the day to day things with you, such as walking Bo and splitting a good bottle of wine. I look forward to taking our children to the park down the street and kissing your forehead as your cradle our first born. Your smile makes my heart skip a beat and your laughter can fill a room. I love when I look into your eyes and they are dancing with happiness.
You deserve all the happiness in the world.
I’m so proud of how much you are working on becoming the woman you want to be! Your weight loss has been wonderful and the changes in your diet will set the foundation for the health of our family. Taking this (what appears to you as a scary) step so that we can take care of your finances brings you all the closer to being the woman, wife and mother you have always wanted to be- and I will be there at your side…every single moment of the way.
It’s likely that in less than 24 months, this will all be behind us. We will be focused on growing our family- something that you have dreamed of you entire life- and I’m honored to be the man that will be able to share that with you. Please let go of your worry now. Thank you for trusting me and being venerable. We are a strong couple and can challenge and overcome any obstacle together. I adore you. Nothing will ever change that. I have forgiven you, so I would like you to forgive yourself.
Now go soak in the bath and release your anxieties.
I love you dearly,
Your Lucky Husband
Last edited by lunarsongbird; 02-28-2013 at 01:22 PM.
Lunar. But writing that you are also forgiving yourself! We are human and make mistakes (I have been to that mountain several times and am maxed out as I write). We cannot be perfect. We can only learn and try again (just like weight loss). You are a marvelous and wonderful woman. You are! Your DH will love you and always love you!
I can only speak from your husband's point of view. My husband and I had to see a therapist at one point in our relationship because of a financial mess. And I was disappointed and I was angry but mostly because I knew nothing about it and felt like I was blindsided by it.
I am not your husband but I wouldn't want anyone to tell me how to react to something as difficult and anxiety-provoking as finances. When one partner has had time to come to terms with the financial situation (as you have) and the other person doesn't know, there's going to be a reaction. Now maybe your husband has some idea that there is debt but he doesn't know how much. Nevertheless, he's entitled to have a reaction to it. I think telling him how he needs to emotionally support you puts him in a tough situation as you're really not allowing him to work through it himself.
I will tell you what I wanted from my partner when our financial situation happened.
All out honesty -- every nook and cranny of what there is to know.
A plan -- or at least some ideas on a way out of the mess, whether it's a strict budget with any excess going towards debt, a second job, or a yard sale.
Willingness -- A desire to actively work to get out of debt, to play an active role, and to stick to whatever you both decide is right for you.
And honestly, the list is the list I would put together for myself when it comes to weight loss and finances (and any difficult situation).
Our financial situation eventually was resolved (through a lot of hard work) but it's certainly isn't over. Money is really never over (just like weight management!) because we have to think about things like our daughter's college fund, a future house, emergency funds, 401Ks and ALL that stuff. BUT starting a dialogue that we can continue was the smartest thing we ever did.
Last edited by Goddess Jessica; 02-28-2013 at 01:50 PM.
I can relate, for the last four years or so my debt and self loathing had consumed me (~$18,000 not including student debt). I didn't see the point in trying and never thought it would end, but it has definitely improved. In that time I've paid off all of my credit card and loan debt and started saving a few pennies. I still have student loan debt but I'm coming to terms with that and realizing that's an okay one to let linger.
I think you have to forgive yourself first, it's okay that you're human! But make a choice, like you did with your weight loss, and make a change. Consolidation helped a lot for me, make a plan and track it. I have a google spreadsheet for my checking, credit cards, and cumulative debt that I monitor religiously and take snapshots every few months so I may appreciate my accomplishments. It probably would've been easier if your husband and been in the loop before this, and I hope he responds in a loving and supportive way.
Lunarsongbird - you are not alone. Maybe you can also include a plan for how to get out of debt. A free appointment with a legitimate financial advisor would go a long way to making it not seem insurmountable. It will also allow you to budget and set financial goals.
Stay away from get rid of debt quick schemes.
I don't know how long you have been married but one positive is that by getting this taken care of now, you are positioning yourself to enjoy the things you listed in your letter, sooner rather than later.
Last edited by ImImportant; 02-28-2013 at 02:03 PM.
What needs to be forgiven? Money gets short, opportunities come up that take money you don't have, sometimes you're young and daft. The credit card isn't always the best way to go, but you do what you can with what you have. If, today, you'd have made different decisions to the ones you made then, that's fine. Actually, it's great! It means you've learned something, instead of continuing down a path that you knew wasn't working. Put it this way: I have lost 3 jobs in 4 years since the recession, have a house I can't afford to live in, so I rent it out and live between the houses of kind friends until I get back on my feet financially. You do what you have to. When I can find a way to make it better, I will, because I hate this hanging over me. But if anyone were to be disappointed in me for mistakes I can't unmake, and am trying to fix, I would be disappointed in THEM.
If you're combining finances, it might be an unexpected factor, sure. But as long as you have it straight in your mind what you can do, practically, to solve those problems either individually or as a couple, then between you, you can form a game plan. And in a couple, that's what you are, a team. He brings his past, his baggage - and you bring yours. Most people have baggage of SOME kind, be it financial, family related, psychological, anything. The good ones who don't, know how lucky they are, and know that most people are in a very different position!
*hugs* and I hope it works out well for you. It actually has the potential to strengthen your relationship as you work on this as a team
First time trying to post from my phone. Its a bit awkward.
I havent really hid any of this stuff from DH. My debt might be a bit higher then the last time we spoke about it because I am drowning in interest. Debt is about 15k, mostly comprising of college tuition, book payments and insane interest. It's about a third of my annual salary, a tenth of what we already own of our house, and less then a tenth of what DH has in the market. Its more of an inconvenience then a devisation.
I was the one that came to DH and asked to come up with a budget and for him to manage finances. He has an aggressive plan and all will be well. He has been working with a financial advisor for years. His parents started investing fir him at a very young age. His grandmother paid for the entirety of his college, including a semester abroad. His parents bought him a car when his broke. He just comes from a very different background then me. He can't relate to financial struggles and I'm afraid he will be cold, irritable and angry. I don't want to disappoint him. I've also told him how scared I am.
The war is mostly in my head. Perhaps I will keep the letter to myself, but will stay hopeful that he feels those things in his heart.
Last edited by lunarsongbird; 02-28-2013 at 02:31 PM.
if its just school related debt then why would you be so upset about it?. seems like there is something missing here. wouldnt he know you have that debt anyways?. it would be different if it was 15k in debt from shopping and wasting money..if you actually feel ashamed of it and like its a big deal then maybe you can use your pay from working to pay it back and cut back on alot of your monthly extras until its paid off..then merge your finances if you havent already.
I think you are being to hard on yourself. School loan debt is a necessary evil for some and you can't help interest. I personally think it should be illegal to charge what they do on interest!!!
You've taken the right steps, created a budget, and are ready to commit to it. Honestly, that's a great thing! I came from a mostly well off family myself like your husband and living on a budget is hard when you are used to getting whatever you want. When you marry someone, you have to take the bad with the good. My hubby came from a poor family and starting out we're not even middle class. I've had to cut a lot of things from my life that I always took for granted. Adjusting has been hard, but I love my husband and he's worth going without a new car every six years or a new pair of shoes whenever I feel like it or even name brand canned good items . He'll accept it if he loves you and I'm sure everything you said in that letter he feels, otherwise he wouldn't have married you.
If he's as good with finances as you say, I'm sure he'll understand how easy interest can pile up. He'll be angry likely, but I'm sure you guys can get through it! School debt is nothing to be ashamed of and you have a plan to pay it off! Two years will be difficult, but trust me, it's DOABLE and worth it in the long term when you owe nothing
I think you are making it much worse in your head than it is. I say, go ahead and bite the bullet and tell your husband what you are facing. The longer this stretches on, the worse you are going to stress yourself out. You know you have to face it, go ahead and do it. That way if he is upset you will go ahead and get it out in the open before the finances are combined. If he has put a lot of work into an agressive plan it will give him time to regroup and ensure the plan works for the debt he wasn't expecting. If most of the debt is from education, then he shouldn't be that upset. More education makes for higher earning potential so it's really an investment. I would think he would be more upset if you used your Credit Cards for buying a closet full of clothes you never wear. If he is very financially savvy, then he will probably know of a way to get interest rates lowered by either consolidating or transferring the balance to another card.
It's only money, sweetie. There will always be debt (at least for most people) and while $15k is a lot of money, it really isn't THAT much.
You and your husband seem really good together and I am confident that you will figure out a solution here.
Years ago I had a lot of debt. I ate a lot of food. I had a lot of drinks. Every single way I tried to cope with hardships/stress/pain in my life never fixed anything but I didn't care, I spent and ate and drank. Everyone thought I had the best life. There was nothing "best" about it, except for my awesome husband who lead me step by step to get myself better.
Weird to say but the problems my DH and I have had in our life actually brought us closer as a couple. We teamed up and conquered. You can do it too.
I think you should keep your letter to yourself and remind yourself that that is how he feels underneath it. Giving it to him directly is passive aggressive. He has the right to his reaction to your debt.
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As for the debt, you need to get him on board about it yesterday. Not next month. It makes no sense to have tuition-related debt on a credit card. That's what student loans are for. Credit card interest is INSANE. If you genuinely have 150k invested in the market and that much equity in your home, you should take the money out of the market or get a super-low interest loan against your home equity and get rid of it. Pay it off.
Compounding credit card interest is bad news, and the best thing you can do is tell him tomorrow and start working on a plan to pay it off ASAP.
Oh- and by next month...I mean within the next two weeks. I need to get all the documentation together within the week and we are opening a new back account at his credit union on Monday.
I agree with looking at options with the house or the market, but he seems hesitant about it. :: shrugs :: I'm leaving it up to him. Regarding college debt- Oh, how I wished my parents sat down with me and talked to me realistically on how much they could help and student loans. At 19- I didn't know anything about loans, but I had relatively good credit from working for a few years- so when my parents stopped being able to help- I just handed over the visa. I didn't know any better.
I agree with looking at options with the house or the market, but he seems hesitant about it. :: shrugs :: I'm leaving it up to him.
Heh. Our schools do a terrible job with financial education, and I have never been impressed with the way colleges (especially for-profit colleges) handle their students' financial aid. My volunteer work brings me in close contact with a lot of traditional and non-traditional college students vis-a-vis their finances.
I don't think that you should leave this all up to him, though. Definitely give him time to consider it and work out the next step, but it's important in the long run that your joint decisions are good for you as well.
As you get the documentation together, I would make a spreadsheet or chart showing the balances you owe and the current interest rate. Like so:
Credit Card / Total Balance / Original Balance / Interest Rate / Interest Charges Per Month
If you do that and have it ready to go, it helps you guys tackle this in an organized way. Oh, and I also know that facing it is hard, but it is the BEST way to start forgiving yourself: to have a plan.
Start paying it down with the debt with the highest interest rate.
Perhaps if your husband sees how much it COSTS you guys per month he will be more amenable to taking some cash out of the market and getting that paid off. Then you can jointly decided that as soon as it is paid off, you will start putting the same amounts into the market. Problem solved.
(With that said: if his investments are in an IRA or a 401k there are penalties associated with early withdrawal and you probably would not want to incur them. But some of those savings must be liquid and it is necessary to get this under control because the interest just keeps going up.)
By the way, I think Dave Ramsey's advice is GREAT for people who are in serious debt. However, his investment advice is not particularly good, and I think his debt-aversion is extreme. There ARE good debts, like student loans for a viable degree (although again, one has to pay attention to the degree program, the total loans, et cetera and be as frugal as possible), or a mortgage on a reasonably priced home. I mean, there is more advantage often to saving than to paying extra against a very low interest rate mortgage, which he does not get around to assessing.
I think getting your sister some sort of financial education is a great idea? But I wouldn't go with Dave Ramsey, myself because outside of the narrow area of paying down credit card debts and getting moving, I think his investment advice is generally bad.
How to Forgive Myself
. He'll accept it if he loves you and I'm sure everything you said in that letter he feels, otherwise he wouldn't have married you.
