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Old 02-13-2012, 12:17 PM   #1  
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Default Shattering my illusion

I started out my day today having a really good day. I've been very happy with my progress, I've been on plan, exercising, I'm down just shy of 45lbs, wearing smaller sizes, all the positive, confidence boosting effects that come with weightloss...and then I caught a side view of myself in a glass window, and realized that as great as my progress has been, I'm still a very roly poly person. I know it doesn't change any if the positive stuff but I hate that my self-esteem and self-image can take such a hit with one quick glance of my reflection.
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Old 02-13-2012, 01:18 PM   #2  
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I get you! I struggle with this as well. I'm down 60 lbs. I work out everyday. I eat really healthy and I feel pretty awesome. I'm tossing out loose clothes and my wardrobe is getting really sparse now. I have surrounded myself with positive people who are super supportive of my efforts. I have two therapists (two different issues) that I see who both tell me I'm moving forward really well. Men are starting to take notice of me.

And then I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a shop window walking downtown...and all my confidence comes crashing down around my feet. Dang! I am still 51, big and fat and blubbery all over! My batwing arms just hang down lower now, and my torso is melting into a blob contained by my pants. My 2nd and 3rd chins are crepy and loose under my jaw. I want to run home (if only I could run), hide and never leave the house again. And every cruel comment the X and my mother made to me about being fat comes flooding back.

There is no consolation because I don't eat to comfort myself any more and I don't check out watching TV either. I just end up getting mad and depressed for a day or so. It's a viscious cycle. Somehow I manage to use the emotional fuel of the anger to get me back on plan. Plus I turn up so really fun music that puts me in a positive frame of mind. You know, some good kick @$$ music. I like The White Stripes, Beck, OKGo, The Strokes. Makes me feel like I can take all the bad feelings/people down!

And then, what works for me, is a little shopping therapy. Not necessarily spending the money and buying something, but a little online wardrobe planning for the future. I'm currently planning a rockin' travel wardrobe. Hoping to be in a size 20 by the time I leave for my summer trip to Scotland. Found a gorgeous DKNY trenchcoat at Macy's, a bright rose color. I can fit in DKNY now! How cool is that!?

What really helps me is that I do focus on my achievements now. I can do planks as well as or better than the tiny people in my Pilates class now. I can see my lats and delts now. I have rock-hard abs under my fluffy layers and I am obnoxious about letting people poke their fingers into my belly to feel them. My sons are totally impressed with me! I can beat my 19-year-old at arm wrestling! I can go up three flights of stairs without passing out!

And finally, over time, and switching my focus to affirm my achievements, those crashing moments seem to happen less and less. I am more prone to feel one of those moments and I visualize that feeling is like the butt of a cigarette I am obliterating under my boot heel (because I can wear boots now because my calves are closer to a normal bootshaft size!)

Achievements baby! You've got some great achievements to rely on!
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Old 02-13-2012, 02:12 PM   #3  
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This happened to me a couple weeks ago on the way into work. It put a damper on my morning for sure, especially since I'm re-losing and in my head I'm still 150 pounds, so the reminder of how much I've gained back is very unwelcome! Try to use it as inspiration to keep pushing forward. Easier said than done, I know, but that's what I try to do.
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Old 02-13-2012, 02:33 PM   #4  
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I have had this feeling too. I think for me it's because I am back to the general weight I was at about 7 or 8 years ago, when I decided I need to do something about my weight. At that time being around 165-170 was the highest I had ever gotten. I knew I needed to lose a good 30 or 40 lbs to get back in shape. I used weight watchers and got down to about 150, before regaining and adding more pounds after my last baby.

Today, it's easy for me to feel trim, knowing where I came from at over 200lbs. However, when I see the rare photo or a profile glimpse in the mirror, I realize that I am not at all where I need to be. In fact, in the beginning of my weight loss journey I had the fear that I would become complacent and stop trying to lose once I felt that first sense of accomplishment.

This "in-between stage" of weight loss takes the longest time to get through. Let's face it, from the time you lose that first pound until the time you lose that last pound is all in-between! However, I have to remind myself that I am in the MIDDLE of my journey and not the END. I will get there and so will you!

I often look at goal stories on this site and see the photos of women in the beginning, middle, and end phases. The middle pictures often look like me, and when I see the end photos, I realize that could also be me if I just stay persistent.

So, congratulations on your loss so far, and here's to all of us staying the course to get to our goals!
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Old 02-13-2012, 03:09 PM   #5  
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ugh! that's the worst, but i can totally relate. last year i made it down to mid 240s after being at 300 (probably over, but i never really stepped on the scale until after a doctor visit revealed 304 clothed) and i felt great. i could, after being up to a size 24, squeeze into 18s... and even a pair of 16s if i didn't want to breathe. i felt great, thought i looked great too. hubby tells me i'm beautiful/pretty/lovely/other adjectives such as that at least once a day and i start to believe him. then i saw myself in a picture with some friends that, while overweight themselves, are much smaller than i am. double chin and muffin top showed up in that picture, even though looking in the mirror they weren't nearly that prominent. it made me sad, but it also motivated me to keep going so i don't look like that in pictures anymore. i told myself chin(s) up, and keep working hard!

don't let it get to you, you're getting healthier and you feel better. those are very important, and very good things! eventually you will do a double take in the glass because you'll look so good you won't recognize yourself
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Old 02-13-2012, 06:23 PM   #6  
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I gave myself a little pep talk, looked at a picture of my at my highest weight and one I took last weekend, and continued on with my day. My mood wasn't back to were it was this morning, but I shook off the "poor me" feeling. I do know that next time I wear the same pair of dress pants, busting out the spanx may not be a bad idea.

Thanks so much for the comments and perspective.
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Old 02-13-2012, 07:41 PM   #7  
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Ladies, I can relate too.
I struggle with it daily. I feel amazing, I have nice definition in my arms, legs, shoulders...but I'm still obese!
We just have to keep doing what we're doing! That's why I love looking at pics of others for inspiration - I'm sure they struggled through the same mindset.
I believe that feel great makes us look great (or at least better than we used too )
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Old 02-13-2012, 10:59 PM   #8  
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Boy, does this sound familiar.

I experienced this on Saturday. I was feeling all proud because I can finally fit into the next size smaller jeans (4 sizes down...yay). So I go run errands and stop at the grocery store. As I grab a cart and walk in, I noticed my reflection in the window - and I see this fat cow who is still about five sizes too big.

And while I can now see the shoulder blades and clavicle sticking out from under my skin, I also see the drooping chicken wing skin under my arms and the big fat gut that won't go away.

It's funny how our mind sabotages us at times. I just try to forget the negative thoughts as quickly as possible and focus on the good things, like the legs that have some definition now
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Old 02-13-2012, 11:36 PM   #9  
Hoping for 160 by NYE!
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I deal with it too...I fit into smaller clothes and get compliments and start feeling pretty terrific...till I see my reflection and my confidence ends up just as deflated as my poor body.

We'll get through this, ladies! (just wish I could hit fast forward or sneak a peek at the final page, ya know?)
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:09 AM   #10  
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I was just thinking about this today! I call it the "body image roller coaster" in my head.

Some days you're on top of the world, and then something stupid (like a sideways glance at yourself in the mirror) will bring it all down. ARG!

However, when this happens to me I look back at how far I've come. I start scrolling through my progress pictures, compare my measurements etc. I also think of my OTHER accomplishments in life: things that our work related, how awesome my daughter/DH are. Those sort of things.

When you're in the middle of this journey, it can be hard to see/hear how far you still need to go. About 10lbs ago I went to the doctor's office and I was feeling pretty good about myself. He then told me that I was "really big" and needed to lose weight. When I told him I already had lost A LOT he didn't even acknowledge that! Thankfully, my husband was with me to hear me venting afterwards but it's insanely hard dealing with the mental end of this journey. It's like we can never get too confident because something will always trip us up.

On the other hand, maybe it's not a bad thing. It reminds us why we're doing what we're doing. It also helps us to work on a true body image, which can help when we dress ourselves and in terms of health too. It's hard, trust me! I've definitely been there but if you keep at this. If you stick with your diet and exercise you WILL be at the point where even those sideway glances won't get you down. I know more and more I'm happier with where I'm at and my body image rollercoaster has a lot more high points than down points compared to where I was at the beginning.
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