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Old 02-03-2012, 06:36 AM   #1  
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Default An observation...

I have recently relost 20 pounds. I saw my SIL this week. Unfortunately, she's gained back fifty pounds that she lost several years ago. She refuses to acknowlege the happiness and hard work of my weight loss. Her comment was: "Now I have to be the fat one." She is a wonderful SIL in every area except this. She can't stand it when I am losing weight - I honestly don't think she is happy for me.

I really do understand how she feels. Then I thought about how I felt when she was losing weight and I wasn't. I was happy for her and excited about her good health. I made a point of telling her this too. But, part of me was sad it wasn't me losing weight back then too. I was a little jealous too.

We have never been 'watching our food choices' at the same time. I wish that would happen.

Do you think that overweight people gaining weight around you when you are losing are really happy for you. I wonder.

PS... I am not referring to folks here at 3fc.

I suppose it really doesn't matter. I just do my own thing and aim for a sane day of food every day. Just wondering.
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Old 02-03-2012, 07:57 AM   #2  
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Based on my experience, I agree- my overweight 'friends' are not very happy for me especially after appearing to weigh less than them. It feels like they diminish the level of success I have had since it has taken me 22 months (so far) to lose 60+ lbs - like I am not depriving myself enough to be done or being too easy on myself, kwim? It also feels like they desire my admiration for every ounce they lose. I have been fairly private about my weight loss. Maybe I am not assertive enough...and it barely seems worth the effort to cause hurt feelings to clarify since I know what I am doing/have done.
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Old 02-03-2012, 08:16 AM   #3  
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Beverly Joy - you are one of the most upbeat people on this site so I have to assume you are in person, too. We all know that we should be doing something about our weight. When someone does it successfully and we don't, a certain amount of guilt creeps in. How we deal with that guilt, I think, is the difference. Most people will at least try to show encouragement. Some people just can't. You, I'm sure, would be offering encouragement to random strangers if you saw them over the course of time and noticed they were losing weight. Maybe your SIL just can't.

Last year a group of us joined a gym and started a "diet" together. All doing their own eating plan - not like we were all going to WW together. Well, all but one of us was losing weight at the rate they wanted to and have reached goal. All but that one would comment to each other about our progress. We even encouraged that one who lost nothing at all. I felt hurt that she never commented to me that I had done a good job, etc. Well, I ran into a friend of hers last fall and she was not surprised at all to see that I had lost 90 pounds because that one had "talked us up" to her friends - saying that we had all lost weight and looked great, etc, while she was still trying to get her act together.

Now, that one has joined a Biggest Loser challenge at work. No one else in our group is trying to lose right now. That one lost 8 pounds and 3 pounds in the first 2 weeks of the challenge at work. She is now competing against herself and relative strangers - not her best friends. Now she comments on how great we all look and how she's going to do it this time. It hit me that she probably felt bad every week when we shared that we were on target with our plan and "schedule" and she wasn't.

All this is to say - we're all different and also, maybe doing it together isn't always the best idea. I also got the biggest criticism from my heaviest friends. We've all heard the comments: "Don't lose too much - you know you're a big girl.'' "You're starting to look old." "You look like you've been sick." Etc. Thin people never say those things - at least not out loud to your face. Hang in there - you're doing great and you're an inspiration to all of us with your positive attitude.

Lin

Last edited by linJber; 02-03-2012 at 08:19 AM.
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Old 02-03-2012, 08:22 AM   #4  
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I have a very good friend who I know is genuinely happy for me but at the same time I know my loss is always "in her face" that she is the same size that we both were when I started.
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Old 02-03-2012, 09:01 AM   #5  
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We have two ladies here who have had weight loss surgery, and I have to admit that I am jealous of the amount they have lost in such a relatively short amount of time. One of them especially because she had her surgery about the time I made up my mind to get healthy and started my journey. She has reached her goal and looks great! So now I am determined to lose as much as I can before the end of the school year so that I can brag that I did mine the old-fashioned way. Silly isn't it?

But the thing is that I have always been extremely encouraging to both of these ladies, always congratulating them on their weight loss and commenting on how good they are looking every time I see them, while they have said very little to me at all. We all have our little idiosyncrasies and it could be they are jealous of me for losing weight without surgery.

I am just glad I found this site where I can vent, get advice, and give and receive terrific encouragement.
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Old 02-03-2012, 09:03 AM   #6  
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LinJber, interesting insight there. I try to impress upon my son that competing against yourself is the best competition out there. I hadn't ever related it to weight loss before.

Beverly, congratulations on re-losing that 20 pounds!! Boy do I know how hard that is. I bet there's some jealousy going on. It can't be helped. She's probably happy for you and I'm sure she would never begrudge you good health, but it's hard to see someone else have success when you seemingly can not. Some people see it as motivation, others see it as a threat or feel it emphasizes what they see as their own failure.

I used my cousin who had lost 100 pounds as my motivation.
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Old 02-03-2012, 09:33 AM   #7  
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I want to say this in addition to my post above. When I say "competition" I don't mean to imply my friends and I were in a competition with each other. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn't. We were totally supportive. The one friend is now doing better in a real competition, so that is working for her.

I agree 100% that competing against yourself is the best way. I really do push harder that way. Comparing ourselves to others is a sure way to get frustrated.

I think we are all able to be so positive in here because it's somewhat impersonal. We only know each other as "losers" and not as anything else. Friendship and family relationships don't impact us. No other emotions get in the way. Thank goodness for this site and for all of us.

Lin
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:21 AM   #8  
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Beverlyjoy...Your 20 pound loss is wonderful.
You will be the skinny role model in your family.

My thin friends are very happy I am finally losing weight. They are very supportive.
Some of my overweight friends are angry, some are sad they don't have success at weight loss. Some just avoid the subject altogether. Two have just started dieting after seeing I have lost a few pounds since New Year's.

All my overweight friends have lost a LOT of weight in the past and regained all or most of it back.
They are telling me to save all my old fat clothes as I will regain it all back too.

I tell them I am going on Maintainence when I reach my goal.
They don't know what that is. All they know is that once they reach their goal it is time to start overeating again. They say diets don't work.

So all of us here must make up our minds that reaching our goal is not the end of our journey. It is just the beginning of maintenance ... for life.

Otherwise we will turn into bitter fat people again.


Getting smaller .... one day at a time.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:49 PM   #9  
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I've seen this happen before, and with some very nice people, too! Jealousy and competition are tricky things, and more and more I try to be the only standard I judge my health by. I wish others would do the same, but I know it is a long struggle to get to the place where you are confident enough in yourself and your achievements to not feel slighted or threatened by the successes of others.

It's all a growing process, isn't it? Some are further along in that journey (and with sweet dispositions more naturally inclined to graciousness, too!) than others.
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Old 02-03-2012, 03:37 PM   #10  
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Originally Posted by Arctic Mama View Post
I've seen this happen before, and with some very nice people, too! Jealousy and competition are tricky things, and more and more I try to be the only standard I judge my health by. I wish others would do the same, but I know it is a long struggle to get to the place where you are confident enough in yourself and your achievements to not feel slighted or threatened by the successes of others.

It's all a growing process, isn't it? Some are further along in that journey (and with sweet dispositions more naturally inclined to graciousness, too!) than others.

I think this is absolutely true! Congratulations on your weight loss! All of us here know how much hard work and dedication that took on your part!

I think when someone is feeling badly about themselves (as in the case of your friend), one effect can be snarky little comments like the one she made for you, even though it probably wasn't intended to make you feel badly. Who knows, you might be an inspiration for her to start losing again (even if out of sheer competition in her mind)!!

I have recently made the decisions to go back to nursing school, lose the extra weight, and just take control of my life again, not letting past trauma dictate who I am. I have learned, and I am sure you have too (you've have been at this longer than me - a great person to look up to!), that you have to just surround yourself with positivity and ignore the naysayers and negative comments. 3FC is really such a blessing!
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Old 02-03-2012, 05:05 PM   #11  
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I have this problem with my sister. As I've lost weight she's gained it. She's 2 or 3 inches shorter than me and if I had to guess she's somewhere between 275-300. The smaller I've gotten the more obvious the weight loss is and she just cannot seem to find it in herself to be even remotely positive. She's not insanely negative or anything, but she also has never once said anything nice or uplifting or encouraging. When my mom talks about how much weight I've lost in front of her she doesn't talk and usually ends up with a sour look on her face. I constantly catch her looking at my body with a depressed look on her face.

I guess I don't really get my feelings hurt that much by it, (maybe a little) It would be nice to hear one, "you look great" or something like that. More than anything her attitude about it makes me feel bad for her. My mom keeps taking to me about her size and how uncomfortable she must be and what she eats, and I've just told her we all have to decide to do it on our own.

For some people it is just hard to be happy for others when they're so unhappy with themselves.
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Old 02-03-2012, 05:26 PM   #12  
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Thanks to you all for your insightful remarks. Thanks for the kind things you’ve said! Once again I find the folks here are full of wisdom, support, and kindness.

I didn’t really think that I was the only with these thoughts. I’ve honestly experienced being on the losing side and gaining side. So much of what you all said is how I’ve felt many times.

Yes... sometimes other folks just can't find it in themselves to be outwardly happy for others - as they struggle with similar issues or challenges.
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Old 02-03-2012, 06:55 PM   #13  
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Congrats on your weightloss so far! Great job sticking to it
Everyone has a story i know, but you guys are talking about your overweight friends not being positive. well, I have a friend much skinnier than me, but still working on losing weight. And now that I have lost almost 20 lbs, I see her look at me up and down (never seen her do that), but then makes no comment about any weight loss, ever. Who knows, maybe she just cant tell :-/ So, I guess you can have skinny and fat friends who aren't happy about your weight loss, for WHATEVER reason. funny how people can be that way but, all we can do is stick to it until hopefully one day they can just get onboard with it.. haha!
good luck to us on our weight loss journey

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Old 02-03-2012, 07:17 PM   #14  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by linJber View Post
We've all heard the comments: "Don't lose too much - you know you're a big girl.'' "You're starting to look old." "You look like you've been sick." Etc. Thin people never say those things - at least not out loud to your face. Hang in there - you're doing great and you're an inspiration to all of us with your positive attitude.

Lin
Actually Lin, I have someone in my life who lost about 40 lbs a few years ago and is pretty livid that I'm losing weight! I think she was very comfortable being proportionally smaller than I and went out of her way to try to make me feel inferior or less 'hot' (her words) when I was at my heaviest. She is much taller and getting more awry as I approach (and will eventually surpass her weight since I'm 5 inches shorter!) her weight. I feel better, I look better and I'm overall happier. That's a problem evidently.

My point in that is, people take out their 'stuff' on other people. Human nature. Not the fun part, but human nature. My point is, as I'm trying to remind myself around this person, that was have to be our own person, our own advocate, our own cheerleaders. We have people that will be happy and excited and celebrate with us... yay. Those that don't, it's their thing, not ours. Sad? Yes. But dang it, I've worked to hard and come too far to let ANYONE in my head.

I'm happy to have the pleasure to know you here and am VERY excited for your journey, your progress and look forward to celebrating with you all along this journey, as you have done for me
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Old 02-04-2012, 10:23 AM   #15  
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Wow - we really are an insightful bunch, aren't we!

This is a generality, but I think the truth of the mater is that we feel guilty when we see someone doing something successfully that we know we should be doing ourselves, whether it's losing weight, cleaning a closet, or taking care of our families. Our thin friends aren't trying to lose (usually) so they don't feel guilty. Our heavy friends know they should be losing too, so they do feel guilty. How we react toward that other person is the real measure of who we are. [I just had a flash of that scene in the movie "A Knight's Tale" where Will and his buddies look down at Count Adamer (probably didn't spell that correctly) after the last joust and say, "You have been weighed and measured and you have been found lacking."] Sometimes we are all weighed (no pun intended) and measured and found lacking.

I know we aren't in this particular thread looking for advice, but I'd like to say this to TooManyDimples - maybe it would be a good idea - if you haven't already done so - to ask your mom to only make her compliments to you in private. I am coming from a completely different perspective on the "doing this together" thing since my friend has started losing without the rest of our group. (See my original post above.) Some people are just overwhelmed with "I'll never do it as well as she is, so I might as well not try." I just hope that our collective success stories encourage others, even if they can't tell us right now.

Lin

Last edited by linJber; 02-04-2012 at 10:23 AM.
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