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Old 01-24-2003, 12:05 AM   #1  
Want to feel better
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Default Reaching out ~ need a listeing ear

Hello all!

I need you all tonight ~ people who understand ~ because my dh (d tonight does not stand for dear or darling) here does not and it has been a most discouraging and frustrating evening. Feeling like I want to scream or cry.

We got on the topic of health and weight loss tonight ~ we usually stay away from that topic, because he does not undersatnd me and it is frustrating for both of us. We got on that topic though because we were talking about my foot pain. I know that the extra weight does not help that, but he would like to blame every ailment I have on my weight. I feel like if my eyelashes fell out, he would say it was because I am too fat. (Sorry for the bitter attitude here.)

Here is the background. He has been bugging me about my weight since we were dating ~ we have been married for 26 years. He used to try to tell me how to fix the weight problem, but over time has given up on that. I weigh about 100 # more now than when we began. Weight was not a problem for him until he hit the 40's. Then he gained about 50#. A couple years ago we went for our anual physicals ~ his dr put him on a 1,000 cal diet and told him to exercise, he also had to start taking medicine for high blood pressure. He lost the weight, and has maintained the loss for a couple years now, and doesn't have to take the medicine anymore.

He feels that I should just do like he did and that would fix everything. He thinks that exercise doesn't have a whole lot to do with weight loss. He doesn't recognize the difference in a mans metabolism and a womans. When I try to explain to him about eating to deal with stress or depression or what ever, he totally can not relate to that. That really hurts that he won't even try to understand.

He has even suggested a few times lately that I should consider that stomach stapling operation like that weather guy (Al Roker) on tv had.

Just very frustrating. I just wanted to sleep tonight and not think about all that. I felt encouraged by one thing ~ I did not turn to food tonight. Sometimes lately, I have been able to talk myself out of doing the wrong thing ~ telling myself that eating the wrong thing will not help me. So, maybe I am slowly starting to "get it". I hope I can keep doing this more of the time.

Sorry that this was so long ~ Thank you all for listening.

Take care ~ glynne (Gayle)
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Old 01-24-2003, 12:16 AM   #2  
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(((Hugs))) to you Gayle. And CONGRATS to you for not turning to food to help you deal with anger and frustration!!

Sometimes men just don't get it. It IS different for them. Many gain wait cuz they don't know a thing about nutrition ... many lose weight the first time they try a diet because it IS the first time and they haven't screwed up their metablolism by years of trying.

I think that when you both are in a calm mood, you need to talk this out with him and tell him how hurt you are. Also, he needs to know that weight loss surgery for you is NOT his decision to make. From what I've heard, if your head is not committed the aftermath can be extremely difficult. And it IS major surgery, not without risk. Would he tell you to have an apendectomy or a hysterectomy because some famous TV personality did?!!? This is between you and your doctor!

I wish you the best.

Last edited by Step; 01-24-2003 at 12:20 AM.
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Old 01-24-2003, 02:20 AM   #3  
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yes, you need some hugs. i feel so bad for you, cuz even a supportive sig. other doesn't fully understand, but they are at least loving. a husband who isn't being supportive of you is just another obsticle for you to overcome.

very good job in not eating because you were upset. i faced that yesterday and i was very proud of still eating a good day.

we're all here for you, whenever you need it.
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Old 01-24-2003, 05:32 AM   #4  
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I think you said it all Gayle. They don't understand cause their built different and they don't usually gain weight until their metabolism slows down. My DH has had sales and office jobs the last few years and has gained 70#. Now what he use to do when he put on a few #'s is eat salads and skip breakfast for a week. Sure enough he would lose 20#'s in 2 weeks. Well guess what your body is different at 32 than it was at 25. He is now seeing why I excercise. But he has done no work to figure out why he eats(BOREDOM) so I know even if he loses weight he won't keep it off.

I wrote to offer sympathy and talked about my DH! My heart goes out to you Gayle!

Miss Chris
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Old 01-24-2003, 08:20 AM   #5  
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I can't talk about weight loss with my DH either ... to him, it's simply eat less, move more, and there's nothing else to it. Fortunately he's never hounded me about it relentlessly (probably because he could stand to lose about 50 pounds himself.

Now, I'm not knocking the surgery path -- that's a very personal choice -- but if you are adamantly against it and he starts hounding you with it, you can find testimonials from people on the web. Sure, there are success stories, but there are also horror stories.

I suppose I could understand his being concerned about your weight because of its implications for your health, and I guess that's part of it. But if he's been bugging you about it for 26 years -- wow, that's just amazing. It makes one wonder why he married from you if it bothered him that much -- it's kind of like the woman who marries a guy with the idea that "I'll change him."

On the other hand, I know, after 26 years of marriage, there must be many other things about him that are wonderful, and I hope you're feeling better after venting your frustration!!!

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Old 01-24-2003, 12:05 PM   #6  
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{{{hugs}}} I am sorry that your DH is not more supportive, it's too bad that we can't trade places with them so they could be in our shoes for a day. I'm proud of you for not turning to food when you were upset.
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Old 01-24-2003, 06:08 PM   #7  
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I'm sorry you are having so much trouble with your dh.
please hang in there, and be very proud of yourself for not turning to food! Remember that you are worth it!

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Old 01-24-2003, 08:08 PM   #8  
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About 14 years ago, my dh pretty much told me I was a fat pig to my face. I couldn't look him in the eye for days, and years later it came up in conversation. He was horrified - he felt so awful. He doesn't even remember it, but I remember the hurt like it was yesterday.

I know your pain, and I am SO proud of you for not turning to food!
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Old 01-24-2003, 08:13 PM   #9  
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Don't even consider surgery if it's not what you want to do. It can kill you and most certianly will change your life forever. It is a last hope situation. Tell you husband never ever bring it up again! How would he like to be able to only eat tablespoon size meals? You can lose the weight with support and a healthy lifestyle. For him to even call you fat is a comlete putdown and not helpful. I think he needs reeducating and to realize that only when your loved and supported can you begin to heal and address your weight loss issues. Easyier said then done I know {{{hugs }}}

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Old 01-24-2003, 10:57 PM   #10  
if only she'd lose weight
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Good job on logging online instead of turning to food.
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Old 01-24-2003, 11:15 PM   #11  
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I am so sorry you have an unsupportive husband. I don't think men can ever really understand the **** women go through with weight. For us it has everything to do with hormones, water, lean muscle mass and lifestyle. Cutting out bread and beer and moving a little more does not cut it for us!!!

Tell him when he has 75% more hormones flooding his body then you will listen to him for advice!!!!
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Old 01-26-2003, 02:29 PM   #12  
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While my DH is most supportive he does not understand and thinks he knows best what to do about it. Since I have lost 84 lbs he doesn't even bother me about it anymore other than to cheer me on. The point of this is don't expect him to understand or try and get him to see your point of view. Let your success do the talking for you and he will become your cheerleader. Don't give yourself the permission to fail. Don't fall victim to the excuses we all give ourselves ...that's how we got here in the first place. Get OP and fight you to keep it. Make OP your sacred place apart from whatever else in life comes your way. Keep your eyes on your goals and as you win and achieve he will begin to listen. All he is hearing is excuses for why you are not doing what "he thinks" you need to do. Find a plan that works well for you and know you have tons of support here with people who know just what you are dealing with. Take your support from where it awaits Later he will come around and brag on you. Honest. Been there , done that!!! You can do it!!! You really can.
Don't look for ways to make yourself crazy. Show him you know well what to do and do it. Make that choise, Set it in stone and go for it! We are all here for you.
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Old 01-26-2003, 08:06 PM   #13  
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I feel for you dear, my dh and I had a problem similar a year ago (the oldies will remember, lol) and he has felt bad ever sence. I would give you a hug if I could and a pat on the back for staying away from the stress eating!!

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Old 01-26-2003, 10:38 PM   #14  
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**HUGS** I can't tell you how proud I am that you did not turn to food. You should be so proud of yourself. I am so sorry that your DH is not more understanding. I agree with Pam - prove him wrong. We are here supporting you every step of the way!
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