Dealing with a narcissistic family.......
 

Sigh.......so today I was all proud of my progress and my sister comes over...

Note to all, my mother and my sister are narcissistic. They have never emotionally supported me, they always attack me even when I give them the shirt off my back and now that I've gone through extensive counselling and have been working on me they see as my personal boundaries as being ungrateful and mean. I hardly speak to my family because they are emotionally unhealthy for me, but my sister wanted to see her nephews and of course I would never deny her that.

She doesn't even notice my weight loss (that's to be expected) but the next thing out of her mouth is this:

""you don't need to lose that much more weight, maybe only another 20lbs lets face it you'll never be small and if you get back down to a size 5 you'll never be smaller than a 5, you'll never be smaller than me cause I'm petite and your large,you have a very large frame"

She's a size 8.

I know this where my inner belief of myself is that I'm doomed to be fat. But why can't she see I'm trying, why put down my efforts with such harshness. My counsellor says never to expect the intimacy and emotional support from them, I never got it, so I probably never will. They will always use me as the scapegoat. I have to not see myself as they do cause that's not me.

But not to say it still hurts so very much. My own family can't accept me....god I thought I was over this.....I guess it's a journey and it keeps showing me no matter how nice they seem to be a certain time (which is so fake!) they only do it to get in your heart so they can smash it to pieces...I really can't be around her.

Thank god for my girlfriend and close friends, and for this place so I can vent. Cause if I don't vent it eats me up inside. I'm not looking for sympathy I just had to get it out. Thanks!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

OMG, I so know how you feel and where you are coming from with this post. I too have a very emotionally abusive sister who just does not get it. I often think, any my therepist has backed me up on this, that she is a sociopath. The best advise I can give you and what I've found to be the best for me is to minimize my contact with my sister, call her out on the way she treats me and find good positive friends that you can consider your family. Some of us don't have the most supportive families, but we can have supportive friends to surround ourselves with and sometimes the family that you adopt is better then the family that you are stuck with by blood.

Great job on your weight loss so far, and don't ever let your sisters words derail you are make you think less of yourself. Your goals are yours and it doesn't matter what your size 8 sister thinks. She's just afraid that when you reach your goal of size 5 you are going to look better then her and she won't be the skinny sister anymore. Its her self absorbed personal value system that makes her treat you like she does and you have to just realize that your allowed to disregard her and her bullsh!t.

Hello to a fellow Torontonian! I'm really sorry that you are dealing with such a discouraging family. It's good you have the voice of reason in your counsellor, and on 3FC too!

I've noticed a LOT of posts (there was another one yesterday evening) about people saying "you look good but don't lose too much more..." It seems to be something a lot of others on here are dealing with. Sometimes it's as if others aren't ready for us to change!

This post in particular was very on point: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/3959199-post11.html

It's not exactly the same scenario as yours but the thread might be worth reading.

Good luck :)

Mango I hear ya! THANK YOU!!!!!!! My counsellor as well believes that my sister and mother have sociopathic tendancies, same with my ex husband. Its a cycle of abuse I broke when I left my marriage and finally started to live my inner truth.....but goodness, they sure know how to attack those deep wounds. I nearly ran downstairs to fill up on chocolate chip cookies in front of the TV! I just don't get it. How can anybody be so mean? I HATE playing the victim role, this isn't what I'm trying to do, I just needed to vent. Please don't feel sorry for me it's the cards of life I've been dealt to give me strength to find me you know? I just had a moment (or having a moment) of feeling that hurt, your right people can be so self absorbed!!!!!!!!:mad:

:grouphug:

Your sister has her own issues and the best you can do is try your hardest not to internalize them. She has to be "above" you by being smaller, and when that is threatened, she's just going to make you feel as negatively about yourself as possible. Given that you've dealt with this for your entire life, it's hard to NOT internalize that... but don't let her make you doubt yourself or think less of yourself- you're doing great!

Aww babe, I'm so sorry to hear that! While my family isn't nearly that bad, they do have some slight tendencies. And more than that, I KNOW that they don't think I'll ever lose the weight.

It sounds to be like your family enjoys the emotional power that they hold (or used to hold) over you. It's hard when people know exactly what buttons to push to cut you the deepest. I'm glad that you're breaking that cycle on your own; you will ultimately be a far more wise, compassionate person for it. Don't let them derail you: PROVE THEM WRONG. Whether they acknowledge it or not. I find that a lot of the time now I take what my family might say with a grain of salt; I hear what they say, inwardly laugh at how silly it sounds and how ridiculous it is for them to be so petty, mean, and clueless, and smile back with the ultimate knowledge that I will succeed in spite of them. :-)

You girls are gonna make me cry! Seriously thank you so much. The last 2 years have been such a transformation for me. I finally came out, left an abusive marriage with my 2 boys, move cities and did it all on my own, while my family sided with my ex and basically blamed me for being gay and leading him on......anyways looooong story but I finally did get into counselling to help with all the crap I grew up with, and I have been SO happy that I knew my weight was my next tackle. I guess I will never know what they want from me? To be miserable? Forget it! I spent most of my life doing what they wanted, I'm done. I am going to prove them wrong just by being happy cause they are all so very miserable! Thank you so much xoxo

You said it yourself. Because they are narcissists. There's a bunch of websites on malignant narcissism.

I'm sorry you feel bad. But at the same time -- work on closing that door. Do not have them over, do not allow them access to the nephews. I know it is family, but so what?

You have come a long way already in sticking up for yourself. Protect those kids and keep on going! You deserve happy!

hugs
A.

I agree. Toxic relationships have no place in a healthy person's life. I don't care if they are family, if what they do to you is so bad, then cut them out unless/until they actually learn how to properly behave. And honestly, if they treat you like such crap, would you really want them around your sons? I'd be afraid that they would inflict some of the same emotional damage on them. Excuse my language, but f*** that! Some people are just toxic (out of their own misery, usually). You figured out what is ultimately good for you and your sons, so keep doing it. Let them be miserable by themselves, it's time for you to move on.

I think the only way to deal with messed up people is to realize that their problems don't have to be your problems. Expecting them to change or to understand is wasted energy.

I would not try to "prove them wrong," because they don't deserve that much of your time - and it likely won't help. They'll find some other way to criticise you, because it's what they do.

You can choose to have them in your life, or not... but don't let their broken-ness become yours.

Believe me, I know that's a lot harder than it sounds. There are a lot of good books on dealing with toxic people, I read several of them, but the only title I remember was Toxic Parents.

Those books really helped me see (and really feel) that my family's nuttiness wasn't mine and didn't have to become mine.

tbh....Sounds like my family. :hug:

I love that you can vent to this community, but I also love that you really seem to have their number on this. I mean, you have it. You know the truth about how they work and your history. You have the brains to have gotten out of some tough Sh-tuff in the past. You have the brains to have gotten help to process all of that. You have SO MUCH strength. I'm sure they're intimidated.

Emotional vampires need victims to prey on. If you aren't lending them energy, who will they suck the life out of?

You are amazing. And you are making an entire new life being true to yourself. Do you know how few people actually DO that?! Most people, unfortunately, sit around in their coulda woulda shoulda oneday energies and never get out of their ruts. Your sister sounds like she's one of them - trying to sneak attack your success with her nastiness. I'm so glad you know your boundaries and won't let them do that to you.

You go, Girl!

I have cousins that grew up in really abusive families. A lot of sibling rivalry.
One cousin had to call the police on her sisters...many times. It was a case of scapegoating also. She was the youngest and ended up with a broken nose, cuts and bruises. She was the cutest of all the girls and the most successful in life. They hate her for it. Even at 55 it still goes on. She had to call the police just 2 days ago.
:rollpin:

Now she announced she is taking them out of her will. It's about time. She is leaving any money she has to relatives that are kind and supportive.
Her counselors said there is no hope there. She has to walk away and cut them out of her life.

I had another cousin that was the scapegoat since she was 4 years old. She grew up really tough. She fought back 5 other kids. Even her parents sided against her. She is successful in business and has the largest home, boat, etc. They all hate her. She has very little to do with any of them now.

I had an elderly family member come after me with a shotgun over part of an estate I inherited. He was incensed. Now that is abuse of the worst kind. He has since died, thank God.

My father-in-law told his daughters he was not leaving any money to any of his 4 kids....just to stop all the in-fighting over his estate. And this was when he was only 62, in perfect health, chopping his own wood, and doing his carpentry. They assumed because he had a few gray hairs he had one foot in the grave and was ready to drop dead at any moment!
:faint:

Just to stop the squabbling, he said he was leaving everything to the "Russian Church". LOL
He is still living, got remarried at 70, (to a beautiful woman older than him) and 2 of his kids have died. Her daughters were dead set against "2 old people getting married" and give them both a really hard time! They are as happy as can be, surrounded by hateful kids all worried about their estates.
Troubles don't come to an end as you get older. Now they start fighting over your estates years before you get sick and die.

Toxic people are not worth associating with. If you are just being used and abused..then walk away ASAP and never go back. Don't drag this out for years.

I have walked away from a lot of people. I regret having to do it. Life would be so much better if everyone could be kind and behave properly. But these jerks reveal their true nature in time, and to save your sanity, you must avoid them.

Later in life, cut these family members out of your will. And let them know why.

Best wishes to you!
:hug:

I love that you're on this forum, InsideMe. Venting is awesome, and it's so much healthier to do it here than to get into it with some sad-faced losers.

Having said that, I SO agree with the posters who said you should consider completely cutting your sister out of your life and not allowing her access to your sons. I don't know if I would go there immediately - after all, I don't know much about her relationship with your sons. Some people can be super kind to children and super mean to adults. But weigh it all very carefully. Especially if you find evidence she's treating them the same way she's treating you, cut her off completely. Even if she's not treating them badly, but you can't handle having her around (which doesn't mean you're not strong - it just means you're human and don't need the added stress of someone exploiting your weaknesses), it's more important to them that their mom be happy than that they have a relationship with their aunt.

Whatever you decide - know that you have a whole group of people willing to support you as you support us. Yay for no TV and chocolate chip cookies!