When I was fat, my husband thought I was gorgeous. He made me feel so good about myself when I was at my absolute lowest. I could always count on him to bring me up.

So what the heck happened?

He won't stop picking on me and I finally blew up at him today.

He can't wait until my legs get back to the way they were in college. Um...they might not.

My boobs have gotten too small...although last night apparently they were huge again...what happens when they change again?

I have rabbit feet (a fact actually, but thanks honey)

He made fun of my fat belly, the only part of me that does not tone but just looks like a shrunken version of its former self.

He looked at a video of one of our lovely 3FC members who shows belly shots of her amazing accomplishments. She was in a larger size than me and a heavier weight and my husband went on and on about how much better she looked than me.

Last night he told me I had a mustache...I don't. I told him that was a very hurtful thing to say. Then he wondered why I rolled over on the couch and just ignored him.

He loves to tell me my pants are too tight or that an outfit I've proudly purchased makes some part of my body look flawed. Oh, and if the pants aren't too tight, then I have a saggy butt.

This morning...he pointed out with laughter the fact that I have a zit, or something on my chest that has been there for YEARS!!! (Therefore it's not actually a zit) This thing bothers me to no end and I compulsively pick at it and make it angry. It's actually starting to look better but he knows I am extremely self-conscious about this stupid thing.

I've reached my breaking point!! Quit picking on me!! I have done such amazing things and I am really proud of myself! It's almost as if he's telling me, "Hey, you're not everything you think are." Like he's trying to keep me down, keep me in a box, hide me away? It's possessive behavior and this morning I actually told him that people who didn't know him and only heard these things would think he was verbally abusive. He was horrified and rightfully so! He's not an abusive man...far from it. But goodness sakes he's making me feel HORRIBLE. Like nothing I do is ever going to be good enough. I didn't know I'd set out on this journey TO PLEASE HIM!

Why was I so perfect fat?????

Aww! Believe it or not sweetie, I know how you feel. When I was with my ex husband, he didn't start picking on me until I starting losing weight. And it seemed as though the more weight I lost, the more "fat" comments he made. He'd say things like "no matter how much you lose, you'll always be fat and ugly" But when I was at my heaviest, it was as though I could do no wrong. I strongly believe it's an insecurity thing. My ex would tell me that no one would ever want me. He was abusive however, that's why I decided to get out of that relationship. Now when he sees me, he'll tell me I'm too skinny, or I look sick, and I should gain more weight. ANyway, he found himself a "new" girl now, and she's a big girl. I guess he prefers that body type, and more power to him if he does, I just know I was tired of feeling tired all the time so I decided to change.

I hope you'll get through this. Maybe you should repeat everything he tells you, and ask him how he would feel if you constantly picked on him. I'm sure he wouldn't like it. Our spouses are supposed to support us, not bring us down like the rest of society usually does. Chin up young person! You should be very proud of your accomplishments! Keep going, and remember, you are a stronger woman for kicking the weight's butt!

Eliana,

I would say that you need to have a talk with him but it sounds like you have already told him. Maybe you should show him this post and calmly tell him how much he is hurting you? He probably does not realize how all these comments add up.

You have done so great! Don't let him diminish your accomplishments.

Thanks guys!

I have talked to him, which is part of my frustration. I "forgive" him for each individual offense because he always has an explanation for them, but you're right...they do add up. And it takes 10 compliments to undo the harm of one negative.

Today, when I laid out the list, he couldn't say "I'm sorry". He had to defend each and every one of them. Finally I said, "Just stop defending these hurtful things and tell me you're sorry and that you'll try to stop!" He did, but it was followed by "but".

I wasn't expecting this. I don't understand the change in him. I've never before felt not good enough for him and now I so do!

That doesn't sound "normal" or acceptable to me. My husband doesn't say ANYTHING mean...which IS "normal" and acceptable.

Is there any way you could get a third party involved, maybe some counselling? He's a grown man, and you've told him MORE than once that you find his comments hurtful...he knows what he's doing.

All in all, it has to be an immature and insecurity thing. He probably is feeling more and more intimidated that you won't want him anymore, so he's trying to hurt you so you think no one else will want you. He needs to realize that's not your intention. You are doing it just to be healthy, not to go shopping for a new guy or for attention.

The "but" needs to go. It will eventually push you away, and it ultimately won't have a positive influence on your accomplishments. Men are simple beings. They get threatened easily, and are a lot more insecure than women.

Ask him who else he's gotten interested in and see what his reaction is... Just sayin'... And if he gets all huffy, respond that from the way he's on you all the time, it sounds like he must be looking for an excuse.

Jay

From reading your post, I have a hunch that this isn't about you at all. It's entirely about him.

If a person feels the need to repeatedly make hurtful personal comments towards someone else, that says far more about the person making the comments than the recipient. Personally, I don't think this is a gender thing - I believe both men and women can behave in this way from time to time.

Without knowing your husband, I couldn't really say what it is that drives these sorts of comments, although I think there have been a few good possible suggestions above. I think this is something you should definitely address openly and honesty with him, and without being aggressive, make the conversation about him and why he is choosing to behave like this. Of course, he isn't acting in a vacuum, and he needs to know how these comments are making you feel. But I think to move things forward, it would really help to focus on why he has decided to start behaving like this, and whether this is something that he's able to change, either with your help, or by himself.

Also, sometimes I think it helps, in these sort of conversations, to try and take a global view of the situation. When this sort of talk gets tied to individual incidents (e.g., "last Friday at dinner you said..."), I think it can lose focus and become less constructive, and get lost in pettiness and detail.

Hope you manage to resolve this to your mutual satisfaction!

"Immature" is a good word to sum him up. "Jealous" is too, which is new. And pushing away? He's actually doing the opposite, trying to pull me in. He's not looking for an excuse. We've had this discussion. We're pretty open with each other.

This man is my best friend. He is still the one I go to for mental support and retreat. That's why this is so difficult.

Sometimes I just wish he lived next door.

I would feel so terribly hurt if I my husband said those things to me. How dare he defend this type of behavior. If he is not verbally abusive, he is certainly practicing learning.

Purposely and repeatedly saying things that hurt someone you love, particularly if they have told you they are hurt by what you are saying, and there is no safety or practical or changeable facet, IS emotionally/verbally abusive. Whether he feels threatened, or jealous, or just off balance by your change, being chronically nasty is not okay.

I hope the two of you working together can fix this. Having someone you love be purposely and defensively hurtful is awful.

Hugs your direction.

I am totally agree with JayEll.
Great advice

You know...I just realized something. These comments always, ALWAYS come just as I'm feeling really good. This mornings "zit" comment was right after spin class when I was riding high on endorphins and had a particular feeling of accomplishment after a difficult class and I was quite proud of some of the things I'd pushed through. I greeted him with a big smile and told him how great that felt. Then he points to my chest and laughs at my zit...the one that's always there.

He definitely acts as though he does not want me to be happy. He himself suffers from depression. It's like he WANTS to take me down with him.

He has got to get that tendency to inflict his unhappiness on you under control. I've been depressed, and it's sometimes really hard not to resent and be jealous of people's success when you feel like that, but I had to learn that dragging others down was not the way to get out of my hole.

My htoughts exaclty, that's not at ALL acceptable for him to be doing. NO excuse, I don't care how insecure, how much he thinks it's joking . . . you've told him it's hurtful and he doesn't consider that.
It's not ok at all.

Oh Eliana, I'm sorry you are going through this. Here you are, thinking you found and married the man you love and that you can live happily ever after, then he starts pulling this crap. I remember another thread from you about some similar behavior from him, so I gather it hasn't gotten much better.

Here's how I see it. Really, YOU are the one who is changing the game. YOU are no longer satisfied to sit on the couch -- you fat, him depressed, eat large pizzas, and wait for your early grave. So YOU decided to make some pretty major changes, and there he is, still on the couch, wondering where his fat pizza partner went and who is this bionic spinning woman hanging out in her looser skin? hahahaha It really is YOUR fault that you guys aren't two peas on the sofa pod anymore.

I am going through something very similar. I also have a sleep problem (sleep apnea), and as soon as I got my CPAP machine to sleep with and started getting awesome sleep, I hit the ground running. Have been losing weight, decluttering the house, cooking and eating healthy, wanting to do things on days off, etc. Meanwhile, he had been dragged down to my level after a number of years, was doing just fine there (sitting on the couch in a mess), and he's looking at me, like WHAT? You're the one who wants to change, whatta ya want from me? I have had to have a real heart to heart with him. Here's basically what I said,"Look, I realize it is TOTALLY me who is changing the game here. But the bottom line is, I want more from life than the hole we dug ourselves into. I am willing to help you every single step of the way to come with me on the way up. I will help you with your clutter, I will do most of the cleaning, I will arrange the "date nights", I will seduce you. But you have got to meet me at least 1/4 of the way, because my life WILL be the way I want it one day, and it is up to you if you want to come with me or not. I love you with all of my heart and soul, appreciate the fact that you "stuck by me" even with me gaining 150 lbs, value your friendship, think you are hilareous, are sexually attractive to me. Here's where I throw in my own BUT... If you try to stall my progress or try to keep me wallowing in misery with you, there will come a day when I simply will have had enough and won't even want to TRY anymore. That day will come whether I want it to or not. And I don't want it to, not at all. I want to grow old with you. But it will come. This is not an ultimatim, this is not a warning, this is my heart speaking to you".

You know what? He IS trying. He is trying a lot. And that's all I ask!