Try reverse psychology. Next time he criticizes you, simply agree and then say "I guess I'm going to have to work harder or invest more time" and see what he does. Just yesterday I told my love that my insecurities were because all his exes had bikini bodies and here I am with loose skin and feeling skinny fat. I knew what the exes looked like. He merely agreed. It hurt my feelings. It was unintentional but I just said "I'm gonna start saving for surgery" and then it clicked on him that his comment was rude. Men can be oblivious. I discovered the less u try, the harder they will.
I find it REALLY hard to believe that someone is married to a man who never *never* says anything mean. Either he is perfect, (in which case can we have him cloned and mass produced for the market?) or he is hiding his unhappiness.
My SO loves me and desires me sexually, no matter how fat or thin I am (he's been with me through a 65 pound gain) and he still says things (sometimes inadvertently and sometimes through pure honesty) that are both hurtful and just plain mean.
It's true that I am fat. It's true that I have gained weight, and it's true that my belly sticks out a lot farther than it used to. All of those things are true, and they are a fact. He thinks if stating a fact hurts my feelings, then oh well, change the fact. I don't ask him how my pants make my butt look, because I really don't want to hear the answer. I don't ask him if he still finds me attractive, because the man is all over me like he's been recently released from a long prison term, so he must be finding something he likes.
I don't expect him to celebrate with me over every weight related victory. I don't expect him to workout with me, or support me in any way regarding my weight loss. I took this drive, and I'm dragging him and my girls along with me, whether they kick and scream the whole time, we're not turning around. We take walks together as a family (even the toddler) and I cook healthier meals than they are used to. There are less snacks available in our home, and the ones that are available are not on the same par they are used to.
They complain? Oh, well, it's a fact that we didn't eat healthy. We are eating healthier now. Don't like the fact, too bad.
I guess what I'm trying to say in a long and rambling way, is that your husband did not overnight turn into an abusive monster. Being in an abusive relationship makes the warning signs blatant, but jealousy and pouting and insecurity do not *in and of themselves* make a man abusive. And maybe you're expecting too much of him, at this moment, to be supportive of your efforts if he's still fighting your efforts. And I don't know the solution, but I wanted to tell you all that and give you 's and hope it works out for you both.
Goodforme - I'm afraid I totally disagree - if you say something about someone, knowing it will hurt their feelings, then you are being mean, even if it happens to be true.
My mother is very overweight and has been all her life. She has tried to lose weight but her doctors have told her she will be lucky to see 70 as she has diabetes and there are a few other issues. As she is 65, she has decided eh won;t spend the last few years of her life being miserable - she is going to eat what she wants to eat and die happy.
But if I kept telling her whenver I saw her, "You know what mum - you are looking really fat and wobbly today - you just get bigger every day, don't you." - I just think it might hurt her feelings a little bit, even if it happens to be true.
It's called being nice to people.
I wouldn't tolerate my dh pointing out all my physical flaws and/or laughing at them, just as I don't point out and mock his. If a friend did it to me, they wouldn't be a friend for very much longer.
Yeah, sorry Goodforme, but my husband never says anything mean. I could see him saying something by accident, but NEVER on purpose like Eliana's DH is doing. And even the accidental slips just aren't there because he thinks before he speaks. He probably was VERY unhappy with my "before" weight, but like Robsia said...he was (is) nice. What good would saying hurtful things bring?? Absolutely NONE.
I wasn't implying that my SO was not mean. In fact, I said that he frequently said things that were hurtful and mean.
What I mean is, is Chrissybean's husband stuffing his feelings and hiding his misery? Or is his internal censor perfect? Does he stop mean things from coming out of his mouth, or does never a mean thought cross his mind?
I am far from perfect, and I have said mean things to perfect strangers and even to people I love and hold in high esteem, because I am not perfect and when your feelings are overwhelming you, you might let something slip that should have been said in your inside voice.
Eliana's husband is hurting, he's feeling left behind, he's depressed and feeling inadequate. None of those are excuses for him to talk to her in such a way that makes her heart hurt, and I wasn't defending him. But, he's human and he's also a *man* so he needs some guidance here. Counseling?
Goodforme, we were typing at the same time. I'll let my post stand, but without this little disclaimer it looks as though I completely ignored you.
..........
Yeah, just the fact that my husband was nice when I was fat proves that he does know how. And some of the things he is saying are both unsolicited and untrue. I know better than to ask a question for which I don't want an honest answer!! And if I'm stupid enough to ask, then I'm a big girl about the answer.
Case in point...I have no mustache. None. I have the same peach fuzz above my lip as all over my face, just like every other mammal. I've never thought about a mustache, and certainly didn't ask, "Gee dear, do you think I have a mustache?" It was just mean
I don't ask about the clothes I wear. I just admire myself in the mirror. He walks in and decides to take a slam at me.
The whole chest/zit thing...again. Unsolicited. True? Sure...but he already knows it's something beyond my control and a sore spot.
He has a humped back. Have I ever brought it to his attention? Heavens no! He hates it, he's well aware that he has it and I try my best to down play it if, and only if, he brings it up. The things he is saying would be like me laughing and saying, "Gosh, that shirt really brings out your hump back." How mean.
regardless if he's feeling depressed, inadequate or left behind - which, we don't know if he is or not - there is tact. And yes, he IS a grown man, all the more reason why saying something you KNOW to be hurtful to someone and harping on sensitive topics is innapropriate.
Whatever the situation, whatever the reason, who ever it comes from . . . no one should knowingly be hurtful to a loved one, and he is being knowingly hurtful.
My husband IS trying to join the healthy train with me. He fights for it himself off and on and always had. Unfortunately, I drive this train. You know...all the grocery shopping, planning, cooking and nagging. In fact, my own plan is on such automatic pilot now that I've sort of let up. He no longer sees me measuring, weighing, counting, etc. It's pretty much all in my head. So the other day he asked me to please start nagging him again. No problem! I can nag! He does want this healthier lifestyle.
I think he's jealous that I have achieved this seemingly without difficulty. He started out at a LOWER BMI than I, but now mine is lower than his. He's highly competitive and he hates it when I am better at something than he is to the point where he will sabotage me. I think that's what he's doing.
That day you speak of...it has come. I am so ready to move into a happier, healthier lifestyle. I would like for him to come with me, and he's working on it, but unfortunately his current efforts are being overshadowed by stupidity such as this post is about. And his current efforts come at the very brink of disaster. It's complicated and I'm just trying to hold the threads together for as long as my grip holds.
My husband is not perfect, and neither am I, but in all our years together, the man has never said, not even at my highest weight, one deliberately hurtful thing about my body, or my looks in general. In fact, I'm pretty convinced that I would not have been able and ready to finally tackle the problem without having had long years of his unconditional acceptance. Other people who love me dearly, but not as well, have said just amazingly horrible things to me, and without making Eliana's thread All About Me, my husband is fully aware of how completely emotionally devastating I found that to be, and how much lasting damage it did. So he doesn't do it.
Eliana, I am so sorry you're experiencing this. It's painful and can be infuriating, and it's just not right. You have accomplished so much, and it's totally natural to want the person you are sharing your life with to be supportive.
Shannon, that does sound very similar.
I think he's jealous that I have achieved this seemingly without difficulty. He started out at a LOWER BMI than I, but now mine is lower than his. He's highly competitive and he hates it when I am better at something than he is to the point where he will sabotage me. I think that's what he's doing.
Ah, now there's something to think about! How unfortunate that he is making a competition out of your whole family trying to be healthier! But I can see how that can happen if it's an effort you are all working on. You're all tracking pounds, I can see how a particularly competitive person could turn it into a game of who's losing more. Too bad he can't keep it lighthearted and fun instead of resorting to the low blows! There's just some lines that should never be crossed. I have been so po'd at my husband before that my head was about to explode, and it never has occured to me to go for the JUGULAR, AND vice versa. I just would not tolerate the person who is supposed to have my back the MOST in life picking at my most sensitive areas, especially if he KNOWS what he is doing and doing it on purpose. Like not even once.
I would be super-duper-excited and oh so appreciative if my hubbs was doing ALL the planning involved in this! But I guess some people feel threatened when someone else is bringin' it home (kinda like those men who are threatened when their wives make more money than they do).
Bottom line is, these are obviously completely and totally HIS issues, and all you can really do from your end is try to make him understand how you feel about his behavior, that you are NOT putting up with it, and what will happen if he keeps it up (which you have to think on and decide). Then the ball's in his court, and up to him if he wants to suffer the consequences of acting like a big horse's a$$.
But, he's human and he's also a *man* so he needs some guidance here.
I think this attitude is demeaning to men and treats them like they are big children. Men know how to behave and do not need excuses. They act the way they do because women cut them slack.
I've seen a lot of statements like this made on 3FC, and it bothers me. If one of the guys here said, "She's human and she's also a *woman* and needs some guidance here," a thousand 3FC members would rise up and smite him!
Not intending to hijack... But treat him like the adult that he is.
My automatic response to the actions that you described in your posts, is that he's terrified!
Think of it this way, he sees you getting thinner all the time, working hard, and gaining tons of newfound confidence. You're starting to come out of your shell, feel good about yourself, and your entire world may be opening up!
For him, this might be his biggest fear, because all of these things may lead you to discover that this might not be the life you want. Maybe he is so scared of losing you that he doesn't know what to do, or how to tell you, so he picks and remarks, in the mistaken hope that it will keep you there.
Maybe it's about his lack of confidence in himself, deep down.
If he's an honestly, truly good guy, I can see this happening!
Maybe he just has no idea how to express his fear.
I may get blasted for this thinking, and I may also be totally wrong, forgive me if I am Sometimes we all deal with our feelings in a stupid way, because we don't know what else to do.
I know it's totally anti feminist or whatever, but maybe he needs a little reassuring that you love him and you're not going anywhere (if that's the case) and a reminder that he can express his fear without crapping on you!
Actually, Famograham, I think you may be right on the money with that. Those are words I needed to hear. He IS a good guy...I don't want this life anymore...honestly I don't think either of us does and we don't know how to fix it.
So yes. If I look at it from his point of view, that's he's afraid of losing me, maybe I can take it from there with a little more understanding.
It was totally my gut reaction to what you were saying!
My hubby is a wonderful guy too, but he's a HORRIBLE communicator. We've looked out over the brink several times, making it back each time, but only barely.
How long have you guys been together?
Having that talk (the one where you tell him you're not happy and you think he's not either)...is SO hard!!! BUT it may indeed end up resulting in what both of you need. It could help you both make the choice to end it, OR it could help you decide to get whatever help, or make whatever changes you need to stay together.
What happened in our situation was that I couldn't take it anymore, and decided I needed therapy. Of course I wanted him to go too, but he refused..no surprise there. We had issues with porn on his part, and it was bad for a while
I ended up discovering through therapy that I was a good, and lovable person, and that I'd be just fine with or without him. I was deserving of love (and positivity) and nothing less. I think somehow that triggered him, and maybe scared him...that I was prepared to end it if things didn't change....and THEN there was a change in him.
Today, we're doing pretty great...but you never know! We've been together for almost 16 years, and just had our 14th Wedding Anniversary. It has NOT been easy.
My heart bleeds for both of you...I so know how you feel!
Linda
Last edited by famograham; 08-27-2010 at 11:36 PM.
I think this attitude is demeaning to men and treats them like they are big children. Men know how to behave and do not need excuses. They act the way they do because women cut them slack.
I've seen a lot of statements like this made on 3FC, and it bothers me. If one of the guys here said, "She's human and she's also a *woman* and needs some guidance here," a thousand 3FC members would rise up and smite him!
Not intending to hijack... But treat him like the adult that he is.
Jay
I agree, I find that many of us women say things very similar but if our men were to say it about us we would be very upset.
I used to say things like this all the time until I realized how often I was doing it, I probably still do but I sure try not to!
big hugs!
's and hope it works out for you both.
I'll let my post stand, but without this little disclaimer it looks as though I completely ignored you.
You know...all the grocery shopping, planning, cooking and nagging. In fact, my own plan is on such automatic pilot now that I've sort of let up. He no longer sees me measuring, weighing, counting, etc. It's pretty much all in my head. So the other day he asked me to please start nagging him again. No problem! I can nag! He does want this healthier lifestyle. 
Sometimes we all deal with our feelings in a stupid way, because we don't know what else to do.
