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Old 08-17-2010, 04:47 PM   #1  
Little Vixen
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Location: Inland Empire, of Southern California
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Default Backwards again and so defeated *LONG*

I am feeling so defeated ladies! I know this is going to sound like a pity party, but I think I just need to get it off my chest. I cried to my db last night, but the best he could say was, "You aren't going to give up!" and "I won't let you ruin all this hard work!" I got angry and defensive and asked him "What are you going to do sew my mouth shut!?" I think I was seriously hoping he'd try! LOL He wasn't joking when he said if he had to buy locks for the fridge and the pantry that he would! But the problem isn't what or how much I am eating, its all been on plan except for the breakfast I had last week where it put me up .2 lbs.

I have been exercising, daily I've been power walking about 2 miles in a half hour. I know I should be doing more but it has been soo hot, even the early mornings have been unbearable and I am absolutely burnt out by the time I am done. I usually hop on the wii fit later on in the day to be sure my metabolism stays moving, but it seems to no avail. I was down to 233 with 5.5 inches lost on my waist, and for some reason I am now back up to almost 238 and I gained an inch back! What is going on? Why if I am doing all as I should be am I going back wards? I feel so frustrated especially since I haven't even lost a 1/4 of what I need to lose to simply be on the heavier side of healthy. If I want to be "healthy" on the BMI scale, I need to lose 118 more pounds.

Even though I have lost 10 already, now considering the gain I have had this week, I can't look at it as enough anymore. I was so excited to see the pounds come off, and I know most of it was water weight, but I worked hard to lose that 15 lbs, and the thought of working this hard for so much more weight is so scary to me. I just feel like I can't do it anymore. Not because I don't want to because I do, but I am stuck between such a rock and a hard place here. I know its unrealistic to think that I would wake up thin one morning, but I didn't think I would gain 5 lbs back while still working so hard for this goal! I know to so many this goal seems so small, but to me, being that I have been lazy my entire life, losing half of myself is a very daunting task.

Even when I was a little girl (and I mean little, I didn't get "fat" till after my first daughter was born and I went down a very steep hill of depression with the birth of my second unplanned daughter, and then my divorce) I never wanted to really "play" or "run" I was content watching cartoons, cuddling with a blanket on the couch and spending time with the adults since that was really all I ever had around me as the first child, grandchild and niece of the family. I even cried because I didn't want to walk while in Disneyland! What was, and still is wrong with me!? I miss eating whatever I want whenever I want it. Its not that my "diet" food doesn't taste good, it tastes fantastic, I just hate getting up to get something to eat and going "Man! Not a good idea!", or saying "Well if I eat that then dinner is off the menu, or no dessert or snack later!". I really hate the planning aspect of dieting, but I guess that really is the whole point of it.

This probably seemed like such a jumbled rant and to some extent it was, but I feel a little better having said it, well...typed it out loud now. BLECH this really sucks! I love the fact that my body is changing, but I can't lie, its not changing fast enough for me. I know it took me 29 years to gain it, but I wish it could take me 29 days to lose it. I don't think I have 29 years left in me if I continue on living this heavy. I just don't know if I have the strength or willpower to do it anymore.
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Old 08-17-2010, 05:11 PM   #2  
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You need to have a plan that you can live with. I will sound like a broken record here. But I have finally lost weight this time, and I have been adding TONS of fruits and veggies. Which naturally leave less room for other foods. I think that giving your body all the nutrients it needs is the best thing you can do. That soap box aside (sorry I'm so excited about my success so far that I can't help ) You need to have a plan that isn't something you cant live with forever. Obviously it has to be strict enough you can lose weight. But if that entire plan feels unbearable maybe you can adjust that makes it feel more like something you can do for your entire life. I don't know what your eating plan is. But I do believe that sucess long term requires a change for your life.

You've been exercising and lost 15 pounds. You deserve credit. So far you have done great and you can keep it up!
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Old 08-17-2010, 05:47 PM   #3  
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You really have to give it some time.

I know what it's like to want the weight off RIGHT NOW, THIS SECOND but it rarely seems to work that way. It goes up, down, bobbles around.

I can't tell you what will work for you, but for me, I had to get on a schedule with the scale - for a long time I let it rule my life When the scale was DOWN I was overjoyed, motivated, pumped. If the scale was UP, I was depressed and unmotivated. And this could happen in the same day!

For me, I decided to only weigh once a week, on Sundays. Get up, pee, strip, weigh, record weight in an Excel spreadsheet. My little secret - if I didn't "like" what it said on Sunday, I just repeated on Monday and usually got something I liked better.

I looked at my spreadsheet over time. Sure it bobbled around and stayed put some weeks, but over TIME, it was a line that moved steadily DOWNWARD. I loved to look at that.

I eventually lost over 70 lbs, it took well over a year. It was not a fast process for me, but the time did eventually pass and I have been living happily at goal weight for over 5 years.

"I miss eating whatever I want whenever I want it"

Sometimes I do too. I remind myself that I had 20 years to eat what I wanted, whenever I wanted and it did not make me happy.

As far as planning, I live in a society that makes it hard to just accidently eat healthy. If I'm hungry at work at 4:00 in the afternoon, there are NO healthy choices but a ton of bad choices. Today, I have a ginormous yummy nectarine. I had to plan to buy it and then remember it this morning. Beats something out of a snack machine or a pastry from the coffee shop downstairs.

You know, life isn't fair. I can't buy all the clothes or earrings I want, or take fabulous trips to Paris. I have a 2006 Jetta, I would like something snazzier! I flip through magazines and want/want/want the same way I stand in front of the pastry case at Starbucks and want/want/want. In both cases, I usually have to say no. Sometimes, I can save up and splurge.

I have a budget. I have to plan and stick to my money budget. I have a calorie budget, I have to plan and stick to my calorie budget. What makes food so special? It's just food.
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Old 08-17-2010, 07:04 PM   #4  
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May I suggest you break your weight loss up some way. Like set some mini goals for yourself so you don't get bummed out by the larger number. Maybe 25 pounds at a time?

One day with me it just clicked that I wanted control over my weight and what i put into my mouth and body. I never felt deprived after that. I finally am at a point I can get myself a kiddie ice cream in a dish with my kids and still throw some away because I am done with it. I enjoyed it but didn't need it all.

I want to be healthy and happy more than I want to eat crap. Just try to stay focused and it may just click for u too.
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Old 08-17-2010, 08:54 PM   #5  
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I really think you are exercising a LOT! 2 miles daily AND some time on the Wii fit now and then is a good amount of exercise, so don't beat yourself up about "I know I should be doing more" on that front -- you are rocking it!

Honestly, if you are not losing and have actually gained while being active and working really hard on the exercise, then diet is the only part of the equation left to tweak. Sure, you could start walking 5 miles a day instead of 2, but I truly don't believe that alone is going to get you where you want to be. What kind of eating plan are you on? Are you sure you are accounting for everything? If you are suffering, are you sure a different plan wouldn't be more suitable? Or are you eating WAY too few calories and slowing your metabolism down too much? It sounds like you are working very hard at this, and something about it isn't working, so it may be time to re-analyze your strategy.

Best of luck to you! I hate to see anyone struggling so much and losing hope. You are perfectly capable of losing weight, but not everything works for everyone. It sounds like you need a change.
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