.... This is depressing.
Although I'm overweight and I know it, I've worked pretty hard to come to a point where I love the way I look even as I am. I feel sexy at my weight. I can look in the mirror (most days, I still have a lot of days where I'm like, ugh, I look like ****). Being confident in myself, even as a 'morbidly' obese individual has gotten me kinda far. I'm changing because I want to be healthier, not necessarily because I want to be skinnier or look different (I don't know what its like to be either of those).
This is just... ugh though. So, I was going thru photos of a show I was in back in fall 2009 that I hadn't previously seen. And I HATE when I'm photographed and unable to "pose" or at least prepare myself... which is pretty impossible when you're on a stage. ESPECIALLY in the particular piece I was in which was a new-agey type movement piece where we were in yoga pants and other stretcy type **** doing all sorts of weird stuff....
I saw one picture and could pick out everyone in it, but could NOT find myself, and could NOT for the life of me figure out who's HIDEOUS backside this was. After looking at the outfit long enough, of course it was me I look so squatty and lumpy and dumpy and gross.... I know its from 2009 but the sad thing is, things have just gotten WORSE since than.
Am I just BLIND as a BAT and can't see this in a mirror? Does the camera really add.... 20lbs and some cellulite and take away 2 inches off my height? (lol) I've never ever seen myself this way before. Even when I didn't like my body, I never saw myself like this....
I'm glad I know I don't HAVE to be like this, that I WON'T always at this weight, and that I'm making changes in my lifestyle to NOT look like that ugly picture. But I guess its just a knock to my current self esteem, because now I'm not sure if I'm fooling myself or not.
^^^^^ I'm the monstrously gigantic one directly in the middle.^^^^^