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Old 08-11-2010, 04:18 AM   #1  
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Unhappy My first "Oh my god THATS me?!"

.... This is depressing.

Although I'm overweight and I know it, I've worked pretty hard to come to a point where I love the way I look even as I am. I feel sexy at my weight. I can look in the mirror (most days, I still have a lot of days where I'm like, ugh, I look like ****). Being confident in myself, even as a 'morbidly' obese individual has gotten me kinda far. I'm changing because I want to be healthier, not necessarily because I want to be skinnier or look different (I don't know what its like to be either of those).

This is just... ugh though. So, I was going thru photos of a show I was in back in fall 2009 that I hadn't previously seen. And I HATE when I'm photographed and unable to "pose" or at least prepare myself... which is pretty impossible when you're on a stage. ESPECIALLY in the particular piece I was in which was a new-agey type movement piece where we were in yoga pants and other stretcy type **** doing all sorts of weird stuff....

I saw one picture and could pick out everyone in it, but could NOT find myself, and could NOT for the life of me figure out who's HIDEOUS backside this was. After looking at the outfit long enough, of course it was me I look so squatty and lumpy and dumpy and gross.... I know its from 2009 but the sad thing is, things have just gotten WORSE since than.

Am I just BLIND as a BAT and can't see this in a mirror? Does the camera really add.... 20lbs and some cellulite and take away 2 inches off my height? (lol) I've never ever seen myself this way before. Even when I didn't like my body, I never saw myself like this....

I'm glad I know I don't HAVE to be like this, that I WON'T always at this weight, and that I'm making changes in my lifestyle to NOT look like that ugly picture. But I guess its just a knock to my current self esteem, because now I'm not sure if I'm fooling myself or not.

^^^^^ I'm the monstrously gigantic one directly in the middle.^^^^^
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:05 AM   #2  
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Um, first, you don't look "monstrously gigantic." I will say that I also have a problem seeing myself as fat as I am. I mean, I know I'm fat but I didn't know that was me. BUT....when I lost a ton of weight before, and was 20lbs from goal (so sad that I'm so far away now ) I didn't recognize myself then either. So in my mind, I'm somewhere in the middle. I think that is playing a HUGE role in my success and failures. I'm too forgiving when I'm fat and I don't give my mind a chance to catch up when I'm thin. If you find out a way to deal with it, let me know...I'm still learning, too!!!
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:07 AM   #3  
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Interestingly, some photos of myself in a play also helped me to get the message that I ought to lose some weight. So in a way, these awful photos we don't want to see can be a good thing. At least, that's how I think of it. They can be motivation to help one stay on plan.

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Old 08-11-2010, 07:19 AM   #4  
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I avoided the camera at all costs back in the day.

And there was a reason for it - I didn't like what I would see. I suppose if I had taken more pics, I would have had to *see* it more frequently. Perhaps it would have snapped me out of it earlier. It is by all means NOT the picture of someone at their best. Someone brewing with good health and vitality! Avoiding the camera was just one more way of sticking my head in the sand.

Just know that each and every day you stay with your plan, it is one day closer to becoming a camera hog.
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:28 AM   #5  
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I wouldn't take too much stock in the photo for one very big reason.

I was a performer myself and always had to wear black. Black under stage lights is not flattering. If you look again, everyone's faded out, but except for the woman on whom the spotlight is directed, YOU are the most in the spot light. It's really not a fair shot.

That said, pictures are weird beasts. They are very unforgiving. We've all felt like this.

Last edited by Eliana; 08-11-2010 at 07:28 AM.
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:58 AM   #6  
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I had that moment too. I saw a picture of me at a wedding I burst into tears. These pictures just make me want to stay on plan and get this stupid fat off of me, I'm sick of it. And you are right, you don't have to be like that, we can do this.
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Old 08-11-2010, 01:59 PM   #7  
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I don't like to photograph myself, lately even my face makes me feel ashamed. I used to be able to use angles, I could give great "myspace" face LOL Hold the camera above my face and tilted slightly and as long as you didn't see more than my shoulders, I looked quite thin and nice! However, I can't even do that anymore! My face looks big, round, and my chins (yes I said CHINS) look horrendous! At least in my eyes. But the reason I decided to finally lose weight is because of pictures! My sister is getting married in November of 2011. I am going to be a bridesmaid. This means lots of photos, which I have refused to ruin. I am not going to be the fat girl they shove behind other girls, or try to camouflage with props, or bouquets. I am going to look great, if not better than my sister because I will not ruin these photos to the point that I can't look at them! It might be a very bad, very shallow reason to want to lose weight, but its working for me, and I am sure once I am healthier, and look better I will not want to tread these waters ever again.
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Old 08-11-2010, 03:23 PM   #8  
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I remember seeing myself in a cell phone pic my hubby took of me at a barber shop. I was sitting down the bench from him and reading a magazine. I looked like a giant blob. It was a slap in the face, to be sure. Here I thought I wore the weight well and didn't look 'that bad'. Sadly I was in denial for many years. It took a recent health scare to finally wake up and get moving in a better direction.
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Old 08-11-2010, 03:52 PM   #9  
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I have a lot of the same feelings you do and there are times that even though I know I"m fat..I mean, come on 295...but I still feel sexy and confident at times.

But there are those times like this summer when I so wanted to go to a water park and there is no way I would do that. I swim at a friends pool but they have seen me this for the past the past 10 years. So, there are other times I don't like the way I look.

Also I avoided a lot of vacation pictures this year because I'm not feeling that great about myself right now.

Let's hang in there and keep each other on track and motivated.
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Old 08-11-2010, 05:15 PM   #10  
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I understand. I've been there and still there in a way. I saw a picture of myself a couple of years ago and didn't recognize myself. It was my moment of hitting rock bottom which has led me to changing my ways. While I hate to see pictures from then, I know that I will never allow myself to go back to that old me again. Now to get the rest of the weight off. You can do this!!
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:53 PM   #11  
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I didn't and don't see your picture that way. You're an artist on the stage, part of a group of artists. That's pretty awesome. Not everyone can get up front of an audience and perform.

I know it's not easy, I struggle with it too: Although I'm overweight and I know it, I've worked pretty hard to come to a point where I love the way I look even as I am. I feel sexy at my weight. I can look in the mirror....Being confident in myself, even as a 'morbidly' obese individual has gotten me kinda far. I'm changing because I want to be healthier, not necessarily because I want to be skinnier or look different (I don't know what its like to be either of those).

keep that in mind. I vote we all go through this time that we're changing and getting healthier thinking like you said above.

I think the mentally healthy aspect of it too is to learn to appreciate who and what we are AS we are right now -- that doesn't mean not to work to lose weight or affect change (in any way we might want to). Trazey made some good points to my mind.
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:04 PM   #12  
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I could have wrote that entry myself. I really know how you feel. I have a completely different image of myself than what I really look like. I have always come across positive and felt sexy and beautiful at my size. And in turn people see me the way I see myself. But when I see pictures of me, I don't like to believe it is even me. I don't see myself like that. It makes it harder to stay on track and lose weight when you feel comfortable in your body. I have motivated myself to do it for healthy reasons. Diabetes and heart disease run in my family. And turning 32 this week I really need to get in shape before either hit me, and it makes it harder to lose. And you don't look bad at all in that pic. I am around 300 lbs right now, and its ridiculous but I know every camera angle to make myself look so much more thin! It is those unplanned photographs that are haunting!!
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:33 PM   #13  
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I have felt the same way... I hate to see pictures of myself lately. So now I avoid cameras like the plague! If you are moving towards your goal, the picture doesn't matter. (I honestly don't think the picture is that bad, though)
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Old 08-12-2010, 12:01 PM   #14  
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Last night at dinner, I noticed my boyfriend checking out a girl standing at the bar across the room. She was a very pretty girl in a cute outfit. She appeared to be overweight but not hugely so...I don't mind him checking out women so I asked him if he was enjoying the view. He smiled and said that he was wondering where the girl got that outfit as it was really cute (and i'm sure he was checking out her ample rack!) I told him it probably didn't come in my size anyway...he gave me a funny look and said, "Michelle, she's the exact same size as you!" the not knowing how you really look can work both ways.
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:08 PM   #15  
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I have felt that way myself. I honestly didnt put things into perspective until I found out that my father - 6' and myself 5'3" weighed the same. What?? That can't be true - but it was!!!
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