I think this is the crux of the problem. The way we see ourselves is so influential, and I totally relate to thinking myself smaller, when actually I was fatter, and beating myself up when I was around 180, for the fact that my tummy was like jelly and my arms wobbled !! Somewhere in between that I have begun to think I want to like my body, and be proud of it - whatever size, shape or weight I am. This has really helped in my current weight loss journey, and has made the difference between succeeding and failing.
Good luck - just remember you are beautiful