I’m ready now. I think I have said it before but now I feel I mean it. I teared a little as I wrote that- tearing or crying is my litmus test for veracity- so it appears I do mean it. Thank God.
I feel like it took a long time to get here, even though –at least comparatively- I know that probably isn’t true (I’m only 24) but I do know it took A LOT of emotional heavy lifting to get here.
“ Here” is the place where I am willing to require more of myself in a loving way. I have always had high expectations, but never really believed that I could meet them and HATED myself when I didn’t. Maybe the better way to put it is that now I require more FOR myself. I have realized that all of the things and people I looked to in the past to tell me how much I was worth were wrong. The ONLY real measure of success there can be is how well I treat myself and other people-in that order. This is my goal now- I have other things I want and other things I want to accomplish- but it all must be under the umbrella of treating myself as well as I can.
Treating myself well means no more Class IV obesity. This means no more”trying” half heartedly, then giving up (sometimes within hours or minutes) and hating myself for failing.
This means being willing to show up to therapy, to meetings, to the moments when I make the decision to put something in my mouth-really being present at those moments. TO be willing to plan, to work and re-work a system for getting healthy that works for me. This means being willing to train myself to override the negative script in my head with something else even though I know it will me HARD. This means never never never giving up in the face of injury, illness, business trips, fights with my mother, and cookie dough ice cream and ice cold cans of coke.
I really feel like I have the ability this time because I have done other hard thigns in the past. Before, when I have looked at what I have done in my life I alwaus focused on what I did wrong, on what I could have done better, I always discounted the success- I feel now when I looke at my like I am able to see things more objectively. My past- when approached from a certain angle shows me that I have done wonders (we all have I think) And I know that I am capable of performing the wonder of escaping obesity because rockinrobin is, so is mandalin, and Meg, and Lori Bell and Beverlyjoy and ubbergirl and on and on and on.
And if it turns out to be harder than anything I have ever done before so what? What about the human condition is easy? And what is the alternative?
I’m re-reading what I have writes so far- it scares me even as it excites me—but it also makes me wonder- What is different this time? I think therapy has a lot to do with it for me- I have abuse issues that I think it would be very hard to work though alone-but I also feel like I am doing it this time for the right reason. Before when I have tried to lose weight I’ve always fantasized about the approval I would get – the John Hughes transformation moment when I would walk into a room and knock everyone’s socks off, where my family is proud of me etc etc. Now I want to do it (need to do it ) because it’s what I deserve. I deserve better. It’s my responsibility to give myself better. Because I refuse to spend my life taking off where my abusers and neglecters left off. I have to be more to myself.
I also really believe reading the wise words and struggles of everyone here has helped me be ready. Thank you very much for that. It’s been an invaluable resource in the inspiration for this new undertaking and I know it will be an awesome resource for the execution.
I promise that not all my posts will be so long –but I do promise to post more.
Margie
