So, yeah, ok I sit between a 16 misses to a 15 jr's. I'm tall. I am really long legged. 36" inseam. My tastes in clothes runs pretty casual, jeans, tank top, flip flops, shorts...especially in the summer. Dressy is sundresses, flip flops, ballet shoes. We're not talking high maintenance. AT ALL.
My sister in law, stars knows I love her. She's been a part of my family since my brother first married her 17 years ago and even though they divorced last year, I kept her. She lost weight after the divorce, about 220 down to 186. She's only 5'4-5. Not tall at all. And what length she does have, is all torso. She's very pale, blond and blue eyed. She has a butt and thighs and hips. I'm med complected normally, med-dark in the summer, dark red hair, brown eyes. I have no hips, butt or thighs. So, we're built dramatically different. We're very different in our colouring. It makes sense that, um, we probably won't wear ANYWHERE near the same size<length of pants/shirts> and we would probably buy things that have different tones/colouring/accents. It's ok, thats normal. Given our build differences, I wear short waisted clothing with no extra material in the butt, cus I get tired of it riding up my belly and down my butt. She buys high waisted pants, with alot of room in hips and butt.
We all know I may be the fat person in your family, social circle, whatever who has been and is losing weight. Yes, I'm dropping sizes. But, WHY WHY WHY do you feel the need to foist your clothes on me? WHYYYYY?!?! It hurts your feelings if I don't wear them/give them away, so I've started just saying, "No, thank you". I'm not talking last seasons clothes either, I'm talking stuff from the 80's, early 90's. Things I didn't wear even then. She's from Texas, I spent my youth overseas. So even our clothing influences are dramatically different. I know in her heart, she thinks she's doing me a favour? I guess. But I just spent 4 hours switching out winter/summer clothes in my closet/spare closet and most of that was HER crap. Stuff I didn't even know was in my house. I called her and she says, "Well, I knew you'd say no thanks, but I figured you might use it". So, I had to tell her, "I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I am not your clothing graveyard. Please, do not do drive by clothing drop offs on me. I am not the goodwill, if you don't want it, I appreciate you asking me first, I do, but if I say NO, I kind of expect you to respect that". She got off the phone with her feelings hurt and mad and I don't know, but I think that just cus I'm your fat friend, sliding down the clothing scale, doesn't give ANYONE the right to just force their clothes on me.
Am I out of line? Am I insane to think I should be able to say, "no", to someone elses used clothing and have that respected? I'm really not feeling like I'm out of line, but maybe someone elses has an idea. The fact is, she said, "I knew you'd say no thanks, but I ...." WTH?!?!?!
**editing to add, I in NO way think my sister in law is thinking the fat comments etc, she is the VERY last person to say that, it's my own mental thought process, I don't consider it an insult when speaking of myself, honestly. I am fat or I wouldn't be trying to lose weight, I don't however think like this about anyone BUT myself.** WarMaiden's comment got me to thinking then I realised it could be perceived that I thought my SIL was thinking these things.
I think you're overreacting to an insult that you're creating in your own mind. It sounds like you and your ex-sister-in-law are close, and like she was trying to do something she thought was nice, but not that she was actually attempting to slight you.
Yes, she should listen to you about not wanting the clothes--but that doesn't seem like the kind of topic it's truly reasonable to have a fight over.
I get this a lot with my mom. She loves the florals, and pastels, I'm more jewel tones, and earth tones. She doesn't get this. She's constantly trying to hand down her old clothes (she's about 50 pounds less than me). And if she ever goes out shopping without me she comes home with granny panties for me. now that I have sexy panties I refuse to wear the "full" cut panties, the closest thing I wear to them is the high cut briefs. Some people just don't understand that their style is not your style.
I think I would feel like my personal space was invaded if someone came into my home without my knowledge or invitation and put stuff in my closet. I think she really means well in that sometimes people don't want to buy "new" clothes when they are losing weight because it's a temporary investment. I also don't know that I'd make an argument from it either, but I would probably be irritated by it. Just my opinion, of course.
It's an issue when after I say, "NO", she comes in my home and puts them in my winter storage closet.
Can't change other people. Can only change how you react. I think you were a bit strong, but I think you were within your rights to say firmly "No, thank you. I appreciate the thought but I don't have a need."
If she's not hearing the "no" the choices here are
1) Take your house key away from her so she cannot come in
2) Tell her thanks, but please leave them on the sofa so you can try on. (Then immediately donate to goodwill, salvation army, church thrift store, etc. so it isn't mixing with your closets.)
End of problem. No need to be ugly about it and YES it would be easier if she just listened to your no... but if she's stuck in this groove, just reroute it in a way you can live with.
The thing is, this is an ongoing issue, for about 15 months now. This isn't the first time. I've tried being nice, I've tried other examples, I just don't see why it's such an issue for her to realise that I have 5-6 inches on her and her pants are clearly not long enough, so I am not the logical choice. I honestly think it comes down to she doesn't want to deal with the effort of driving to donate it, and she knows I donate regularly and if that -is- the case, just SAY so. Don't sneak them into my closet for me to deal with. My time is fairly valuable to me, especially a 4 hour chunk of it, 2 weeks before the end of the semester before I start Grad school.
I honestly think it comes down to she doesn't want to deal with the effort of driving to donate it, and she knows I donate regularly and if that -is- the case, just SAY so.
Then handle it directly with that idea in mind. If she won't vocalize it, you do it.
"Hey, thanks for thinking of me! But I can't use it -- got plenty of clothes. Want me to take it to Goodwill for you or do you have another friend who could use it?"
Again... reroute this in a way you can live with so it doesn't make you crazy any more.
Venting...clothes/family
